I just don't know what to do. Almost 40, with no direction

[VRvR]

Hi,

So as the title suggests, I'm at a bit of a crossroads in my life and I'm just feeling a bit sad and judgemental of myself that I've reached this age without much achievement.

Poor mental health seems to have dominated my life since puberty and it completely messed up my education, which had an inevitable knock on effect on my career choices and general self confidence. I feel like I've been stuck in this sad sludge for the past 25 years.

I do have an amazing dc, who I am very proud of, but I feel quite embarrassed that I have been out of work for this long. I have concentrated solely on being a mum, but if I'm honest, I don't feel like I've done a particularly great job of that either. I don't feel as though I've been a good role model, as I've shown no real ambition or drive. I feel like I've been constantly swimming against the tide and have just been trying to keep my head above the water and I'm just tired of it.

My one and only dc could fly the nest next year and I'm not sure how I'll cope if I don't something else in my life. The thought terrifies me. I could (and often do) cry when I think about it.

Whenever dp or my friends ask what I'd like to do, I seriously don't have a clue. I don't know where my skills lie. I don't really even know what it is I enjoy, as my anxiety usually steps in the way and clouds any enjoyment I have.

Jeez I know this all sounds very 'woe is me' 🙄 but I didn't think there was any point in writing this if I wasn't completely honest. I genuinely do want help. I want to really live and not just get through the day.

Where do I start?...

Just giving this a little bump

Meters Briggs and some career counseling tests. Ambition is a tricky concept, Inthink. Maybe start with figuring out what you enjoy….working with people, office oriented or more active work, etc. you sound very hard in yourself.

I can definitely identify with some elements of what you wrote... I only had little casual min wage work between uni and kids, never knew what to do or even what I could do. Then I was a SAHM for 11 years.

What helped me first was just getting a waitressing job, it got me out of the house and built some confidence. I earned buttons, but I earned.

It was only through sheer luck I got my current job if I'm honest, I saw an ad and took a punt and somehow got hired doing something I like and am good at. But if not for that, I don't know what I'd be doing. I've NEVER known what to do or had an ambition or anything.

It is tough. Hopefully some MNs with actual career advice can come along and help you 😀

But def don't go thinking you're not a good mum because no career. You can be a role model in other ways, and what kids need most is your presence and your love

Do you have the resources to go back into education? Get the degree you missed out on or find the free adult classes near you to boost your confidence and skills?

You haven't mentioned what you do for work now. Are you happy with your job? Would you like a change of direction or just looking for things to fill your time outside work so, hobbies etc?

Is volunteering an option for you?

I know of two people who volunteered for a homelessness charity that led to paid employment - one went on to be quite high in the NHS working on substance misuse teams and the other trained to be a social worker. Neither had any qualifications prior to volunteering.

I second volunteering. Have a look at the national careers service.
also what color is your parachute is a brilliant book for people seeking career direction.

Thanks for the replies so far. I really appreciate them.

Regarding volunteering, yes - I think that would be a good start. I was going to volunteer for the CAB a few years a go, but chickened out when the ball started really rolling. I just freaked out and lost all confidence and started listening to those 'course you can't' voices again.

Can you volunteer somewhere for even half a day week? This will get you out, meeting new people and gaining new skills. Plus will do wonders for your self-esteem. I really hope you find something soon.

I also think volunteering could be good for you. I'm assuming money isn't a huge issue if you've been a stay at home parent all these years, so you've got that on your side.

Years ago I started volunteering in a charity shop a couple of days per week. Just as something to get me out of the house and seeing people. That led to a paid job and I loved it. I only earned minimum wage but I was working, seeing people and felt that at least I was "giving something back."

I genuinely think getting out there and volunteering with the view to getting some paid work, even if very part time would do your mental health the world of good.

@Soccermumamir and @ThreeRingCircus

Yes, I think this would probably be a very good first move. It's taking that first leap though. It's quite scary.

Park run? It'll be a good way to meet people and do something for yourself.

I would say that CAB might be a good first move. Debt Advisors are in short supply and you could begin to get training in that area through that kind of volunteering.

You know, it's absolutely fine to try a few things out and discover you don't like them or aren't good at them on the way to discovering what you're best suited to.

In your position I might try to get a local p/t job. Maybe a few shifts in a cafe or pub or shop, or as an office admin assistant or receptionist to a small firm. If you like the work, stick with it, or train to take it to the next level: retail or office management, or accountancy or whatever aspect of the work turned out to be your strength.

If you don't feel confidence doing that yet, you could decide to spend a year prepping by doing several free online courses - some are government funded, many are set up by universities as part of their wider learning initiatives. You could learn touch typing if you don't know it already, and how to create and interpret spreadsheets and simple accountancy skills - basic stuff but good to have some knowledge for many jobs.

Don't underestimate what you already know. If you have had MH issues then you have first hand awareness and experience if you do an adolescent MH counselling or training course.

Why not set yourself a challenge to try something new each week that might lead to a better life. You could start by volunteering so you have something recent to put on a CV. Maybe do several different voluntary roles - for a political or ecological cause you believe in, or at church if you have faith, or for a charity - animals, food banks etc. Then stick with the one that feels right. I know loads of people who got paid work after volunteering - sometimes for the same charity, sometimes in a related field.

You just won't know until you try.

Just a note of caution as you said you've struggled with your MH: If you have a personality disorder, autism, ADHD or bipolar disorder, watch out for the results of personality tests that promise to help you figure out a career - the results will probably be unreliable as they will depend on where you're at when you take the test. I have ADHD and I wish I'd known that before wasting my time on those tests and it annoys me that some recruitment processes set so much store by them when they've been shown to be deeply flawed for other people as well.

I'd approach this by starting with, if money wasn't an issue what would you do? Then figure out what part of that makes you happy. For example, if you adore raising children, would childminding be an option, or working in a nursery and contributing to helping other small children develop? If you prefer older kids, would becoming a TA or cover supervisor work for you? Fostering, if you have a good understanding of mental health? Even if the thing you love seems like a silly way to work or make money, there's probably something that you can find that meets your need to do the thing you love somehow.