How do I get to the bottom of her behaviour?

[strugglingmumofpreteen]

I need help.

My eldest (Dd, almost 10) has turned in to the stroppiest, sassiest, absolute worst version of herself and I am struggling to keep my cool. Full disclosure, my cool actually probably goes missing at least once a day.

She is vile. She's got a real horrible tone that she speaks in, and I may as well be shit on the bottom of her shoe at times.

It's not just me. She talks to her dad like it, her sister, and has even started being cheeky to her aunts. The only place she behaves is school.

Part of me thinks hormonal, part of me thinks it's because she's never really had any huge consequences for her behaviour, as she's previously been so well behaved. But then I'm also petrified that something else is going on and I'm missing it?

I've tried talking to her, asking why she thinks she's behaving like this, asking if there is anything going on, even being more specific and asking about possible bullying at school. Also delicately asked if anyone was pushing the boundary's she has regarding her body.

We have had a recent family bereavement, so I am being mindful of that, however that is definitely not the cause.

To sum up - has anyone got any advice on how I talk to her? Are there any magical ways to get her to open up IF there is something bothering her? Any leading questions? Best way to start conversations etc.

My ds10 is hard work too so I can fully sympathise with you , it's like everything is a battle and an argument yet his behaviour is impeccable at school .

What consequences are there for this behaviour? If there really aren't any then I think you have your answer.

First step is to be sent to her room for 9 minutes.
If it continues after that warning then devices (iPad) are taken away.
Last week she started kicking off at us during a break at her weekly activity that she attends, so I took her home instantly and she missed the last half of the session.
Today she missed out on us doing somethings as a family (dad took sibling alone) but she wasn't actually arsed about it anyway, so got told to stay in her room and tidy it until they got back.

Sending to her room is not really a consequence. It is though a useful way of giving her space and means she won't push your buttons. It sounds like you have other consequences so you just need to stick with it. It is probably hormones and growing up.

My 9yo is very similar! I'm having issues with her behaviour to friends and younger kids too. I found this... Which at least explains that some of it is developmental. https://theobservantmom.com/cognitive-leaps/9-2/

I have 3 DDs (12-15). When they first tried to be sassy, I would say I won’t be spoken to like that. Come back when you can speak to me like a human. Then I’d walk away and carry on with a chore/making a cup of tea etc. do not feed the drama. Other things I’ve said “we don’t speak to each other like that in this house” then, again, walk away. So not engage or give it attention. If you give consequences and punishments, I believe you feed the drama and validate their them and us parents v child attitude media and peers create as an expectation.

I have extremely polite (most of the time) daughters now. It really does work so long as you don’t cave - sit and “read” a book (good way to regulate yourself and ignore them - I’ve never managed to read but hiding behind a book looking like you are works).