Thoughts on chatting to strangers, esp men?

[637Nivea]

A male friend of mine will talk to anyone when he's out and about, shopping in town, etc. He easily strikes up conversations with cashiers, shop owners or other customers, and he makes people laugh.

I really admire this skill but I am the exact opposite. If I go to town I rarely connect with anyone. I'm polite when I do my shopping but it's very rare that I end up having a chat with a stranger.

Today, the man serving me in the wholefood shop made a friendly comment. I think he now recognises me as I've started going there weekly. He asked me some questions and I told him a bit about my day. But I felt so uncomfortable. I'm naturally quite self-contained but I'm also wary of men. I'm a reasonably attractive woman and I'm often paranoid about being chatted up or giving the wrong impression (I guess because of a lifetime of past experiences). However I realise that this now means that I'm almost disproportionately wary and defensive.

Does anyone feel like this or is it just me? Who do you /don't you chat to? Does it get easier as you get older?

I'm definitely more likely to chat to a female stranger, but chatting to strange men feels like a big no no, or at least makes me feel deeply uneasy. I really would love to be chatty and friendly with people as I think it's a lovely quality. I dislike being so closed and I'd love to be able to connect with ppl in a light and breezy way. I am wondering if I can challenge myself to open up a bit more? Is it safe?

I think there’s a very wide range of normal. I chat to people a lot, although I usually let the other person initiate it, but I am also very tuned into anything suspicious and am aware of situations when I would not feel safe eg on a train in an empty carriage at night or similar. I too am a little wary of “giving the wrong impression” but minimal eye contact and only chat about mundane stuff and I think you are pretty safe most of the time. I have only rarely felt uncomfortable but have always been able to extricate myself and no harm done.

I natter to everyone. They may all think I'm mad.

I also chat back when spoken to. So many people are lonely, talking to me might be the most human contact they get all week.

Thanks. This sounds like a really good balance. Something to aspire to!

I chat to anyone men and women, but I am 59. The good thing about getting older is that if I chat to men whilst out dog walking I don't have to worry that they may think I like them in a romantic way and I'm sure they feel the same. It is so much more relaxed.

Totally agree. The world is a much more sad and lonely place without connection, and I think simple actions like a smile and a brief chat can even change the course of someone's day. I believe this and yet I don't do it!

Yeah, I think increasing age helps, I'm in my 50s too. I agree that there is a chance you are the only person they've spoken to all day and it might make a big difference.

Thanks. This is what I am hoping - that it just gets easier from now on. One of the benefits of getting older perhaps. I'm currently late 30s.

The young man on the till at M andS has started chatting to me as I always seem to end up in his line. It's embarrassing as I'm hard of hearing and he has quite an accent. I just smile and nod.
I spoke to an older man at the gym who wad doing a crossword.I knew his wife and thought he would be ok but he stalked me for months.

I am quite happy to chat away away, but l also have strong boundaries so l can easy stop a conversation dead in its tracks if need be, and l don't feel uncomfortable doing it.

The gym is one place where I definitely don't engage much.

Oh no. This is my fear. Either you have to deal with a run-of-the-mill embarrassing situation or you end up with a stalker!

Wow this sounds like a good approach. I like the sense of being open but then able to snap shut if needed! I think that would suit me.

Mixed here, generally happy to chat to anyone and everyone, but good at reading situations.

Career in a male dominated environment, mostly had to stand my own, and felt most comfortable conversing with men in all situations.

It wasn’t until my mid 40’s when I first went to a coffee morning or suchlike with ladies - a big learning curve, took me ages to feel confident and find some common ground.

Now happy to chat confidently with anyone but when regularly travelling in Europe I do often have to take defensive action (despite being of pension age and obese)….in some places I have to dress assertively, carry camo print / fluorescent official looking accessories in a rucksack and regularly have to physically assert myself (stand assertively, shoulders back, hands up, palms out - and tell (men) to “Get Back”). the biggest thing I have learn’t is that you aren’t obliged to answer any obligatory questions in these situations. It’s often better to say nothing at all.

Brought up in the 50s and 60s, where we had to be good girls and acquiesce to men’s demands. It didn’t do us any favours, and that’s been a hard learning curve.

The benefits of chatting and connecting with people will far outweigh the risks.

You probably have a good instinct for when someone is weird in which case you just don’t chat.

I travel a lot and chat to most people (more men than women actually because taxi drivers mostly are men) except when I don’t feel like it or I don’t like the cut of their jib

I dislike it. I will usually be polite and talk to people if they start talking but I wouldn't start a conversation. I'm just not interested in listening to strangers chat shit.

Ha. This is a refreshing viewpoint. Thanks.

@lljkk I am just the same, this week I have had a decent long conversation with a bloke fishing along the canal, a bloke that tuned out to be a chef who gave me some good cooking tips and a woman with her new born and DH and I got chatting to a young family in the pub this afternoon. Also various small interactions in shops. I’m good at reading situations and body language, I am confident as well.