Mum guilt, I won’t spend money on myself.

[GuiltGuiltMumGuilt]

Single parent to 1 DC aged 9, who gets DLA.

For Christmas my family got together and all chipped in for a voucher for me, intended to be spent on a specific item but they weren’t really bothered as long as I got something for me, think along the lines of a tablet.

The voucher will cover the full value of the item, or buy a few smaller ones as it’s worth £500.

But I can’t do it. It feels selfish to buy it. I keep thinking of all the things DC could have for £500 that would enhance their life or selling it and putting it towards the holiday we have booked in July even if I got half or less the value for it.

DC has everything they could ever need, we’ve recently moved to a bungalow adapted for DCs needs (Housing Assocation), Dc has a room full of toys, all the adapted furniture they could ever want and all other bits they could possibly want. DC also already has a tablet so this “tablet” would just be for me.

Our holiday the accommodation and food is paid for so I just need to find spending money and activities money but I know we’ll make the best of it no matter what – we can go to the beach or to free museum (it’s a UK holiday) or just spend our change in the arcades all of which DC would love and costs very little, but I keep thinking I shouldn’t.

I’m the same with everything. I try and have a weekend or a few days away with friends when DC goes away with Ex-PILs once a year and I always feel guilty so end up cancelling, even though my friends keep saying that as DC is cared for and safe I need a break and some time to not be mum/carer/sole breadwinner.

And with this it’s just a “nice to have” not a “need”. I’d love the item, but I don’t need it, it’s not going to change my life if I get it, but that money would enhance DCs life.

Do it. You said yourself your child
has everything they need. You only need a little spending money for your holiday and your family wanted you to spend the £500 on yourself so do that. You’re allowed to treat yourself.

Please get what you want. You are important and deserve this.

The idea is they've clubbed together for the thing you want but won't buy for yourself so it leaves your money free to spend on DC. They're still going to benefit from the £500 and you can still get what you want. Being a good parent means looking after yourself too so you have the capacity and ability to look after DC, don't short-change yourself

Please get yourself your present. Your family gave their money for this very purpose. Choose it and enjoy it. What a lovely caring parent but to get things right you have to keep yourself happy too.

Do it! This is a gift, to you.

I didn't treat myself as of the same importance as my children when they grew up. I really regret it. It also hasn't helped our relationship now they are adults.

It’s not really about the monetary value though, if you bring your DC up showing them you never get anything nice for yourself you run the risk of them being spoilt or becoming one of those posters you see on here who is upset when she gets nothing on Xmas day despite tying herself in knots to please everyone else…

if your child already has everything they need your family clearly want you to have something nice for yourself so please use it and don’t feel guilty!

I always get more out of buying for DC than myself. If it's a specific gift for you then you need to buy it though.

As your children grow, they need to know you aren't their slave.
In order to be an effective mum, you need to have a life and desires of your own.
You have already pointed out the kids have everything they need and more.

Do you think martyring yourself like this will be helpful for your DC? It isn't. It's going to give them crappy boundaries one way or the other as an adult. One of the best gifts you can give them is to show them what a healthy relationship with and appreciation for yourself looks like.

And, while we're at it, it's disrespectful of your family's desire to do something for you.

Buy yourself the damn tablet.

One way to look at it that may help is to think that it would be selfish to ignore their gift to you, to take their money but buy more things for a dc who has everything and nothing for another person the gift givers love, who doesn’t have very much?

i do think it’s important to show dc that other people / women / mums deserve things too and don’t have to sacrifice everything

what might you like?