How do I manage friend ick?

[purplemonkey12]

I live in quite a small village, so I have to get on with this woman. But I just can't stand her. How do I manage this? I can't avoid her, because eg children the same age and small, so we're at all the same parties etc. I'd have to completely give up all social activities to avoid her. I did use to quite like her and spend a lot of time with her, but now she irritates me more and more. She's a snob, a terrible name dropper and is really rude about other people who I like. It's got to the point now that when she's somewhere, I don't enjoy myself at all. But she is everywhere. How do I stop feeling like this? How do I stop the ick? Help!

Just be polite and disinterested, to the point of slight rudeness if necessary. She’ll get the message.

I think Ick only works as a twee way to say sexually repulsed, not for finding someone irritating and unpleasant

Well she probably does not like you much either if that makes it any better! But what I do with people who I am thrust into situations with.. I just sort of sink into acceptance that for a brief period of time… even repeated periods of time.. I just have to ge civil. I tend to enquire how they are with interest and tend to find that this can pass the time. But it is life in a small area. Sometimes I say to dh that the thing that really annoys me is that every time I go into the village I see people I don’t much want to see.

I'm already being disinterested with her. I suppose by ick I mean that I feel repulsed by her presence even when I'm not interacting with her. But there's obvs noting I can do to force her not to be there - the only thing I can do is not go to anything myself, and I don't want to do that. So I suppose I'm asking how to override these feelings - because they're not esp rational - and make myself enjoy things when she's there.

You can definitely get non-sexual ick. I had it with a female colleague
a few years back. Nothing I could do except remain polite but distant - she eventually left, thank god.

I feel like it's definitely a thing, @FortunataTagnips ! Haha. I feel my toes curl when she turns up. Every word she says irritates me. And I know this is my issue and I need to sort it out, but I don't know how to! I don't think she'll move... Sigh.

I had a friend like this once, she was awful about people behind their backs in the end I got the massive ick and try and avoid her where I can.
If I see her I'll say a polite hello but keep the conversation closed so she doesn't go on. Best way to deal with it:

How old are your kids? I had this exact situation and found as the kids grew older (still primary) it was easier to drift/avoid.

For now just be polite and avoid long conversations, stand somewhere else in the playground, find someone else to chat to before you're caught.

Smile, say hello as you pass, keep going to the other side of the room, shop, park.
Set your phone to go off every 10/15 mins. If she is trying to talk to you - excuse me I have to take this & walk away. You can keep your dc in sight whilst going to a quieter spot. Then get chatting to someone else. Mute further alarms until needed again.

Friendship ick is definitely a thing. I think of Ick as being when you liked someone, formed a bond/relationship and then suddenly feel very differently about them and feel icky about being close to them!

OP, I'd just be polite but do what you can to retreat and avoid.

Get a job?

Oh I see

Then I think you probably need to think about why she’s bothering you so much - given you have no real relationship with her, and she’s not trying to bully you, it’s quite a strong reaction to feel she’s getting in the way of you enjoying events

I can't quite work out why she provokes such an extreme reaction, @theduchessofspork It's not rational, certainly. I'd genuinely like to move back to liking her, because she does have good qualities, which I used to enjoy. Kids are 3 and 5, so there is a long way to go before escaping all this. I have a job, @ConciseQueen !

If you have a job (presumably where she isn’t) then just go to work, stop going to the same things as her for a while and let yourself move on. Then when you have moved past this you can go back to normal stuff.

Basically, go away until you have forgotten about it. It won’t be long, life is busy.

@ConciseQueen You don't seem to understand. We both live in a very small village. She'll always be at everything I go to, and I don't want to give up socialising with all my friends. So I need to find a way of dealing with the fact that I dislike her so much. I've clearly said I don't want to stop socialising, so please don't suggest I stop!

Just stop for a while and socialise in another village

Hmm yes not easy when your paths have to cross in a village ...

As you say, there's a bit of the old you can't control how others behave only how you react to it ...but I know that's easier said than done.

Something I saw on YouTube by Mel Robbins about saying to yourself "Let them" when people are doing whatever it is that gets under your skin really helped me detatch myself from things or people that were bugging me ...

A link in case it's of any use! :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=1&v=atkGprznf2w&embeds_referring_euri=https%3A%2F%2F_www.bing.com_%2F&embedsreferringorigin=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.bing.com_&sourcevepath=MjM4NTE&feature=embtitle

There's no magic wand. You're both entitled to socialise locally.
Useful suggestion up thread about setting alarms. Avoid in social situations and focus on who you do like. Use grey rock method if she collars you. I don't see what else you can do.