14 yr old vaping wwyd?

[oOmoonhaOo]

Hello,

My 14yr old was about to go out with a friend shopping for the afternoon, a train journey away. Ticket has been paid for… only £8. Then they were due to come back here for a sleep over.

I’ve just been in his room to help him adjust furniture to make room for the floor bed and I found a vape box on the floor… which he quickly stood on so I wouldn’t see.

I picked it up and questioned him on it. DH arrived at this point.

Initially he tried to lie saying it wasn’t his, but then he admitted to buying it to try it.

Neither me or DH vape but we both know that you don’t but a 9000 puff rechargeable vape to ‘just try’.

What would you do now? With 14yr old?

Talk to them. Ask them why they feel the need to try it. Are they aware of the dangers?

very common

If It’s rechargeable where is it? Either he hands it over or the sleepover is off.

Have I gone in too harsh then to say he’s not going out this weekend or having a sleep over?

He said he has destroyed it. He’s being vague about where or when he bought it. Keeps saying I don’t know, ages ago.

have the courage of your convictions

He could potentially have been suspended at school for it, so it's an appropriate reaction/level of punishment. And he probably had it yesterday, as they tend to hide the boxes in their bags or pockets and forget about them.

i dont understand why you need to ask the question tbh @oOmoonhaOo

Thanks.

I’m doubting myself because I know it’s common, but it’s also something I have never done. And we’ve always tried to bring dc up knowing the importance of their health.

I’m pretty disappointed

and your dh?

You should have taken it and destroyed it yourself. Grounding him is not too harsh.

Just to gauge what others would do in a similar situation.

Am I making too big of a deal because I’m not a vaper myself?

sometimes you have to make your own decisions @oOmoonhaOo

It’s common (mine was caught at school with one in year 11) but it doesn’t mean it’s acceptable or healthy. I agree that someone trying wouldn’t buy a chargeable one. Have you tried to find out what kind of liquid he’s putting in it? IIRC some foreign ones bought over the internet can be questionable in safety. What I mean is does it contain nicotine ? Is it for weed?

I would destroy the vape and be on the look out for disposable ones which are very popular with teens (elf bar sort of things)

I already have. I’m just asking for opinions. Thank you for yours.

personally my dc are older than 14

i was smoking at 15/6, i tried at 12

but now i have copd which is the result of smoking
tell that to your dc op@oOmoonhaOo

Mine wouldn't be going anywhere, not as a form of punishment but because the issue of vaping is far more pressing than a day shopping. Plans would be cancelled while we had a very long talk. What happens next is dictated but what comes up during the talk. I wouldn't be angry or shouting the odds, It's unlikely to go in that way and would make it very clear he isn't going out because this issue of more serious and needs to be dealt with there and then. If you juts don't let him go as a punishment it will be far less effective than a 'this is serious. We must sort it asap'

We’re not a shouty family. And we’ve had a discussion about it this afternoon, during an enforced dog walk.

The lying would be a bigger punishment than the vaping tbh. The vape is easily dealt with, just stop giving him any money. Once he can't refill it, it doesn't matter where it is.

I'd let him go out but say this will be discussed later and you want him to hand over the vape when you talk to him.
Give him the time and space to be honest.
Tell him the consequences for lying will be more than the consequences for having a vape.
Check his room while he's out. If you find one, leave it where it is and check again later.
If he hands it over, I'd just say you're disappointed with him but offer no punishment.
I think that an empty box and vague excuses isn't good enough but up to you if you think it's reasonable to do something.

This is what my dh said.

DS has been lying, or more accurately being evasive about other things recently too.

My dh is struggling to trust him, whereas I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt

We went through the vaping phase with DS at the same age. It's a tough one. From our perspective as parents it is (quite rightly) a really serious issue. But from their point of view, it is just so completely normalised that I dont think any amount of nagging about it and spelling out the risks is going to make a difference, and if you go nuclear on it then you may find yourself backed into a corner.

In the end we gave up and stopped discussing it. We made it clear where we stood, and wherever I found a vape in his room or his pockets I binned it without hesitation. He's 16 now and as far as I can tell he and his friends have all long outgrown it and they've got better things to spend their money on.

Obviously I don't want to minimise the risks and some children do go the other way and sadly become genuinely nicotine dependant. If vaping forms part of a wider set of problems then of course you need to act. But if he's otherwise a sensible kid with decent mates etc then perhaps don't go overboard with sanctions. Just get rid of it, make it clear you have a zero tolerance policy to vapes or vaping in the house, and wait for him to grow up a bit.

Oh and with the lying thing. He's a teenager. Of course he is going to lie to avoid getting in to trouble. Your DH needs to adjust his expectations or he is in for a rough ride over the next few years. Again, I'm not saying it's OK, or that you don't call it out. But it's completely normal for teenagers to be evasive with their parents.

Thank you @mybestchildismycat

I have explained to dh on a number of occasions that teenagers lie. It’s not personal and it’s generally a given.

We play a good cop (me) bad cop (him) team which works well, but then sometimes… like this! I do question myself as both dh and I agreed to not allowing him out or to have a friend over. So because I agreed with dh I worried that I have been too harsh.

Like you say, in a teens eyes is normal and very common.

DS did say to me this afternoon that the year 11s are way worse, smoking weed. So I explained that’s all the more reason for me coming down heavy at 14 about vaping!

I am disappointed that he hasn’t got his friend staying over as it would have been my chance to meet him, plus my ds is upset that he’s let his friend down. I feel bad for that

Definitely not too harsh & important to have a united approach with DH.
Although it's common among teenagers it's Definitely not something he has to do. Let him know how seriously you view it & how disappointed and upset you are.
Its definitely not normal or common for year 11s to be smoking weed either I'd have serious conversation about drug use too.