Keep sitting on my own as I think people won't want me sitting with them

[allbymyselfff]

I'm a mature student (27), doing my second degree and in my first year. My cohort is lovely, half of them are mature students (with most being Mums) so it's not like it's because I'm the oldest there. I'm quite a 'young' 27, I've always felt a few years behind my peers.

I've always had low self-esteem and been very shy. I started off well on my course, as I can happily approach people who are on their own and engage in conversation. People are friendly and warm towards me, and I get nice comments from others. However, friendship groups have started to form and I can't approach a group. They're not even necessarily strong friendship groups but just people tend to walk in together as they've come from the same direction, etc.

I presume that others don't like me and would find me annoying to sit with. I tend to walk into the lecture and sit down by myself, and then hope someone sits next to me but nobody ever does unless the room is completely full. The only time I will sit with a group is if someone starts a conversation with me as we're walking in and I'll then say 'ohh I'll sit here if that's ok', and then I spend the whole time worrying that they had intended to reserve that seat for someone. Sometimes I walk into our common room and it's full of my cohort and I'll go and sit in the corner on my own. I just can't break the belief that I'm not liked.

I feel so down and upset about it, I'm so frustrated by myself that at the age of 27 I'm still acting like this.

Does anyone have any advice or words of wisdom?

Only to believe the words you've written here.

People are warm, friendly and welcoming.
They only seem to be in a group because they happen to be walking in the same direction. You need to be the same. If you choose to isolate yourself it will become self-fulfilling because they will assume you want to be by yourself.
Just plonk yourself down next to someone.
Think of a few basic openers at a really basic level. "It's soooo cold this morning isn't it?"

I think people may not be approaching you if it seems like you want some peace and quiet, hence sitting on your own. If you can 'fake it til you make it' and force yourself to sit down next to people just a couple of times in a row then it will change the whole dynamic and their perception of you - you will be then be seen as part of the group and you may find others will do the heavy lifting and sit beside you after that as you are one of the group.

Good Luck!

On Monday go and sit next to someone, anyone. Smile and chat. Any topic under the sun, the weather - events that have happened over the weekend, what you saw on TV. You won't be the only one feeling shy. Good luck x

Thank you. I'm going to force myself to turn up to the lecture just as it's starting so I'm forced to sit down with others. I usually get to lectures early so just sit on my own.

We are a small cohort (there's around 45 of us) and I've been observing everyone to see if anyone else is on their own and they aren't, everyone else is in little groups now. I feel so lonely sitting there on my own

I know this all sounds so childish but I do seem to regress into what I was like when I was younger in these kinds of situations, it brings up a lot of early childhood memories

Sometimes it helps to just say how you're feeling.
"I always feel a bit nervous coming to lectures because I don't really know anyone yet" can often be a really good way of breaking the ice.

Well next time just go and sit next to anyone, and chat. Once you have done it a couple of times you will find it easy.

Honestly I bet most other people felt the same as they started too. You say people are welcoming, so please don't think that they don't want you.

Go for it