SAHM

[BirdyBeaMalone]

I really struggle being a SAHM and don't suppose I'm alone in this for an instant, but what I'd like to know is how you manage/d these feelings?

I'm terrible at meeting people and making/maintaining friendships. I went to some baby groups in the early stages and they were nice enough, but people more or less kept to themselves. I'm actually not too bad at being one of the more vocal ones in these groups (singing along, making suggestions when asked, talking to whoever is close by), but beyond that I struggle. I also found it difficult attending these groups full stop as the times always seemed to coincide with my son's naps! I guess in all honesty I gave up far too easily.

I also have issues with my appearance and this makes getting out and about difficult... I feel more confident and more able when I feel I look my best, but being a mum means I don't get much time to make myself presentable. If I feel I look like death warmed up (and that's most days these days), then I don't want to interact with other people.

I appreciate I sound pathetic. I often feel pathetic these days and I hate myself for it. Trust me.

I don't have the support system I envisioned I would have either. My Mum (who would have been the most amazing hands-on Grandmother to my son) passed away nearly 8 years ago now. My Dad tries to help but has health issues that make looking after my son, even just holding him, really challenging. My sisters both seem to have enough on their plates. My husband's side of the family are much further away.

I feel trapped. I thought I would LOVE this time of my life, and it makes me desperately sad that I don't.

I feel almost certain I'll get some comments telling me to buck up my ideas, that maybe I shouldn't have had a baby in the first place, etc etc... If that's you, don't bother. You couldn't make me feel worse about myself than I already do, so save your time and energy.

OP it’s nothing more daunting than being a mum and feeling alone at the same time doing it.

It is completely normal to feel the way you do and baby groups are so hard I found them difficult if I was honest and only went to a few. I found soft play overwhelming with the size of the building and the amount of children.

Is there any groups online you could join just to ease yourself in with other mums?

Is there a way to put baby in nursery one day a week so you have that time for yourself? I understand you can claim this back with UC if you work?

I understand how you feel OP and in all honestly a lot of mums have been where you are, you’re not alone.

Might you be happier if you went back to work?

Have you considered going back to work? You don't actually have to SAH if you're not enjoying it. Many people do find it very lonely and difficult.

Being a SAHM isn’t for everyone OP. I hated maternity leave and only really felt myself when I went back to work and had a reason to dress up in smart clothes, do my hair and put some make up on. That makes me sound shallow but so be it.

I also couldn’t make Mum friends (and still can’t) but had lots of people to speak to at work and that made me feel better.

That sounds really tough, being a mum is really hard and being a SAHM with no break is hard. What is it you really want? What would make you 'love' this stage as you thought you would? Is it mainly the loneliness and wanting other mum friends that's the issue? Or is there more to it?

dont believe any crap that to be a good mother you have to enjoy every stage.

Can you go back to work?

Mat leave can be lonely and I think many are sold a story of great friendships being formed for life during it- that’s not often the case. I didn’t but tbh I’m happy enough with small talk and my own company.

Also if your baby wakes in the night you won’t look your best- accept it and know it’s short lived

Your only choice is to throw yourself back into those classes - it takes months to build up the friendships and not a few sessions

Most people are in the same boat as you or they wouldn’t be going to groups in the first place

I know it’s hard my own situation was a lot worse than yours and I wish I had done more at the time but I didn’t and it compounded my misery if anything!

You are the only one who can change this unfortunately no one is going to come along and help as sad as that is. I’ve found out the hard way - if you want or need something go out and get it or it ain’t happening

How old is your child op? Being a sahm is very hard and does not get the respect it deserves (especially on mumsnet, so expect some unhelpful comments 🙄).

It can take a long time to make friends. Honestly, you just have to keep going and going and at one point, some point click. You don’t have to be really close, often you just talk about baby stuff but you can get closer in time. Often it’s the ones you don’t necessarily think you’ll get close to.

It can be very hard to get motivated but I would try and get out every morning and go to a different group or class - lots of churches have free playgroups. Have a plan for each day. Keep on trying and be the one brave enough to ask to switch numbers. No one’s going to take that badly and actually may just find it awkward and not know how to do it themselves. Also I found just constantly going to the playground helped and was good to get some fresh air and exercise. You meet people that way too.
Also try apps like peanut.

Is your child still napping? Make sure that it is also YOUR time not just house time. Very important.

The big thing is you basically need some time to yourself, which sounds like you aren’t getting much of. Does your partner give you some time when they’re home? Something set would be lovely and you can focus on yourself. I don’t know if finances work here but having a little bit of nursery can help too.

Have you considered going back to work part-time? I found the days dragged when I was a SAHM, without a good routine and baby groups were so intimidating. Working definitely improved my mental health and made me a better mother as a result.

I completely understand, I found some of those groups a real ordeal. I live in a small town. I kept on going and tried other activities as well. There will be other people like you looking to make a few friends rather than the established cliques that make you feel like an outsider. I think it's one of those things you need to keep at otherwise you'll never get anywhere and feel lonelier than ever. As the DC gets older it will sort itself out anyway.

I'm a sahm and I enjoy it but then I've never enjoyed being at work so I wouldn't want to go back! But going back does suit lots of women and there's no need to persevere if being a sahm doesn't suit you.

I'm terrible with making friends and social interaction but I really enjoy baby and toddler classes. You just sit there and follow the instructions and sing along at the right time which is fairly straightforward, and no time to chat to other mums anyway. I prefer classes to groups where there aren't any guided activities and it feels more awkward to just sit around.

I've always had a shower at night when the dcs are in bed as it's impossible to do it in the mornings. I put make up on every day and brush and tie my hair up, as that's important to me - my toddler likes to rummage through the bathroom drawers while I do that. She is usually happy with me doing small tasks like that as long as she has toys or other things to explore.

I don't have any family support either as I'm nc with my family and PILs are abroad. But DH works normal office hours with a short commute so he can drop off my eldest at school on the way to work, and is back home at 5.30pm. He doesn't work at the weekends so we spend those days together as a family, and he helps a lot then, eg does all nappy changes, and plays with dcs.

What aspect do you struggle with OP, you say the social element of it but what else? Is it being alone, is it entertaining the child, the lack of alone time, the constant snack making?

I was SAHM for 10 years so I get it believe me.

I was a SAHM, my advice, go back to the baby groups looking like you just fell out of bed if need be. When you feel comfortable just be honest, "I don't get a moment to put a bit of make on and get here on time" type thing.

It takes time and consistency but you will find someone.

We had no close family support that was just what it was.

Go for a buggy walk when son falls asleep head to a cafe for a 20 minute drunk and just watch the world go by.

Baby steps (excuse the pun)

Oh yes the buggy walks can be fun. Free and low key. Good exercise and you can chat to other mums.

I don't think you need to explain why you don't have make up or not looking very presentable, some might think this is endearing but as a mum who found self care and calmness in putting on make up before I leave the home hearing this just makes me feel bad and awkward like what am I supposed to reply?!

People saying go back to work, but many mums have a self confidence crisis and crash diet, buy a new wardrobe to get back to work. Unless you have a work uniform, the issue of appearance and self image is still there.

You need to better manage your time and make more effort, cutting corners where it doesn't matter and outsourcing help where you can.

Use gym creche and work out, go for walks in the park, work out at home, 15 or 25 minutes a day then have your husband watch his kid while you get a haircut. Shop a new wardrobe online. Find a diet you can commit to tor 6 months and start. Order groceries online.
You know your appearance affects your mood so help yourself get better.