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Original poster

DD and her radiator settings

31 replies

WeAreNotLikeTheOthers · 09/01/2024 08:36

Older teen DD has decided to live in our annex over the garage. It has a separate entrance to the main house and is heated separately.

The main house is well insulated and has a central heating system powered by a heat pump which works most efficiently when it is left on all the time but at a low level. Our kitchen and living room are always warm, the bedrooms and any other rooms at a lower setting, and DH’s office is only heated by a wood burner lit on days he works from home. We spend most of our time in kitchen and living room.

By contrast, the annex is on electric panel heaters, and is adequately insulated but not to the extent of the house. The heaters have timers and temperature settings on them. It has become apparent recently that DD has turned the heaters on 24/7 and has them on a high setting. She does not return them to timed settings when she is out at college during the day. She also has an electric blanket on her bed which seems to be on all the time. DD suffers quite pronounced Raynaud’s Phenomenon, to the extent that she was referred to a consultant for a particular medication to keep it under control. However, her main way of keeping it under control is to keep herself warm. She has decided this makes a good reason for having her heating on all the time.

DD insists that if she puts the heating back on a timer, she might come in early from college and then have a Raynauds episode, during which she cannot feel or move her hands, which will leave her unable to do coursework until it passes. I am of the opinion that she should come into the house and work in the kitchen (open plan, vast, and warm!) until her heating comes on. DH said I should cut her some slack, then he got the electricity bill after the December cold snap and has declared ‘something must be done about it!’

AIBU to expect DD to share our main heated living spaces with us if her annex is not warm enough? There is a bit more going on too, she arrives in the house at family meal times, eats, then disappears again, without taking part in any of the meal preparation or tidy up, which annoys me much more than it annoys DH. DD does not yet pay bills as she is still in higher education. However her desire to live in her own space before she has the money to pay for one or the maturity to look after herself makes me feel a bit like I’m running a hotel just for her. DH gave her the blessing to live in the annex once she reached a particular birthday, but I was away on a business trip when she moved out and would have liked to have seen the annex made a bit more teen-friendly and more ground rules put in place before she moved into it. DH said he thought I was being a bit silly and too strict, but the cat is out of the bag now and it is hard to lay out rules now that she has been living out there for over a year!

OP posts:

Chasingsquirrels · 09/01/2024 08:43

How old is she and what level of education (sounds like uni from your post)?
Can the bills be separated so she pays for her own utilities?
Should she be shopping & cooking for herself?

MzHz · 09/01/2024 08:49

What? So because it’s been a year, you can’t change things?

don’t be daft. This arrangement isn’t working and your DD is taking advantage and being extremely entitled

the way to approach this is to say that you’ve given this situation enough time to even itself out, but you need to make changes.

she can’t leave the heaters on all day or leave things plugged in and switched on all day

if she has a condition, she needs to manage that appropriately and if that means she can’t live out there during the colder months, so be it.

the coming for meals and buggering off again needs to stop too. Tell her she’s treating you like a hotel and isn’t even a paying guest so there needs to be some hard boundaries put back in place

kids will take more than you’re prepared to give, given half the chance, it’s their job to push boundaries, but yours to set and reset them so that they learn how to behave as adults

loudbatperson · 09/01/2024 08:58

Could a smart system be used so she can turn the plugs on for the radiators via her phone when away from home? That way if she comes home early she could turn the heating on when she leaves college. Or, a small fan heater heats up pretty much instantly, could she have one of those for using while waiting for the main radiators to heat up.

The electric blanket on 24/7 sounds like a fire risk. That has to stop.

I think you need to come up with a couple of realistic options that she can choose between, none of which include all forms of heating on 24 hours a day.

If she won't pick one of the options she has two choices, move back to main house or get a part time job and contribute to her heating costs.

The meal thing would really annoy me too. I would put my foot down there and say each mealtime she either comes before to prep or stays after to tidy away. If she doesn't want to do that, again she gets a part time job and sorts her own food.

BambooFridge · 09/01/2024 09:05

It would drive me nuts if my dd (I have a university aged dd too) was just waltzing in at dinner time and leaving afterwards without contributing to family life.

I think I'd work out what her heating costs are and she can pay for it. My dd has a bills package at university. For all of the bills though, not just the heating.

They are different prices according to how many rooms there are in the house or flat. Her current one is £27 a month for 42 weeks. There are six of them in their flat.

Konze · 09/01/2024 09:07

I have really bad Raynaud’s, heating the annex even when there’s no one in it, is bonkers. For the expense but also that’s not going to be a way of managing it when she’s older as it’s just burning money, a year in isn’t too late to impose rules, you haven’t said how old she is but show her the bill, she can get a part time job to pay it off and then taking over the bills.

INeedNewShoes · 09/01/2024 09:20

You and DH need to sit down and decide what needs to happen for your DD to be allowed to continue to live in the annex. It's currently not working and what you are doing is funding a lifestyle for her now that she won't ever afford for herself so you are encouraging her to stay at home forever.

Bear minimum for me would be that assuming she could be living in the nice warm house with you, she needs to cover the extra costs that arise due to her living in the annex. She needs a part time job to pay the heating bill.

I'd also explain that adults tend to work with a natural reciprocity when it comes to meals. If someone has cooked, the others work together to get the clearing up done. If she can't get her head around this then I'd ask her to choose two evenings a week where she will cook a proper meal for you all and do all the clearing up after these two meals as well.

If you carry on the way you are you may well have a 35 year old still living at home enjoying the free accommodation and restaurant. I've seen it happen.

Els1e · 09/01/2024 09:31

YANBU. Can your daughter move back into the main house during winter?

DisforDarkChocolate · 09/01/2024 09:35

We'll she wouldn't be able to be inconsiderate if she had her own place with bills to pay and flatmates to get along with.

She needs to be in the main house till the annex warms up.

She needs to be part of meal prep and clean up if she wants to eat food.

Letting her get away with being so inconsiderate is just storing up issues for the future, these sort of lessons are part of growing up.

Ellie1015 · 09/01/2024 09:35

I would be telling her "this isnt working you will need to move back into your old room. Can't afford the heating."

If she offers to stick to rules on heating timer by using the kitchen/livingroom when her own room isnt working I would agree, also adding she has to help with family chores ie clear up after dinner etc (would be insisting on this if she moves back into old room too).

Either way sit down with dh first to agree a plan so you are both on board this time.

New2024 · 09/01/2024 10:03

So what’s the function of the annex? Did you build it to rent out as an air bnb etc?

MzHz · 09/01/2024 10:26

New2024 · 09/01/2024 10:03

So what’s the function of the annex? Did you build it to rent out as an air bnb etc?

plenty of houses have rooms/accommodation over the garage if it's separate to the house

gamerchick · 09/01/2024 10:30

She loses the space and comes back into the house until she can afford to pay her bills.

Can I move in instead, your set up sounds mint

Toomuch44 · 09/01/2024 10:42

I think you need to tell her you're only willing to pay so much pm for heating the space and if she's struggling to keep to that, she'll need to move back into the family home.

You're offered her a compromise in that if she comes home early, she can have access to the family home. Only other option is that if she's not there, she turns the heating down to something around 17c if she's out, so it's not stone cold on her return and won't take too long to warm up.

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 09/01/2024 10:46

Your house, your rules. It's not economical for her to stay in the annex so she needs to move back into the main house. Tell her she needs to move over the weekend, job done.

2jacqi · 09/01/2024 10:48

@WeAreNotLikeTheOthers there are electric panel heaters which can only be controlled by an app on your phone. YOU can control what the temp is or if they are off or on/ perhaps you can replace them. make sure she has hand warmers and mittens to wear in the annex/ tell her what the electric bill is and let her know it cannot go on or she will have to move back into the house.

TinkerTiger · 09/01/2024 10:50

Older teen DD has decided to live in our annex over the garage.

How? You're the parent paying the bills, tell her to move her ass back in and if she doesn't like it she can find her own place to rent, I really don't understand all this pussy-footing around children.

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/01/2024 10:52

She has “decided”? You don’t have a say?

Original poster

WeAreNotLikeTheOthers · 09/01/2024 12:37

Thanks for reassurance that I am not being the parent from hell by pulling her up and telling her she has to sort out the heating (and meals!) She is doing A levels at college but without giving away any personal information she has grown up in an extremely independent manner, so is quite used to making her own decisions. She has some extremely high ambitions for her future, and I feel a bit obliged to allow her the opportunities I never had at her age, because they are all there for the taking for her. I was working at her age, although I did eventually go to uni and success I didn’t get much help from my parents at all, I feel for her it doesn’t need to be like that. Perhaps she is taking my generosity and running with it!

I like the suggestion of smart plugs - they were not a thing when we built the annex, but DH is the technical person in the house and could easily have these running by this evening (re-purposing the smart plugs he bought for the Christmas lights!)

She does also have a choice of rooms if she wants to come back into the house, but her younger sibling was straight into her old room at the first opportunity! So it would be a smaller and not as nice room in the house as she used to have.

To the poster asking what the purpose of the annex was - both DH and I work away overnight on a frequent basis, so we built it for our parents to stay in when they came to look after the children when they were very young. It is part of our private home, not rented out. Although I don’t know why that would make any difference.

OP posts:

bastin · 09/01/2024 12:41

Why is a child calling the shots?

Tell her she's not allowed to live in there

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 09/01/2024 12:42

Well firstly having a heated blanket on all the time is a fire risk..

Secondly why can't the timers kick the heating on a hour before she's due home? That way it'll be warm.
It's that or she pays towards the heating bill and I'm saying that as someone who suffers raynauds themselves!
Has she not tried hot water bottles & wrapping up?

FinallyHere · 09/01/2024 13:53

think you need to come up with a couple of realistic options that she can choose between, none of which include all forms of heating on 24 hours a day.

As a stranger on the internet, it is easy for me to say that if DD is mature and independent then you set out the parameters within which you are prepared to allow her to continue and let her come up with solutions.

And if she won't, or won't stick to them, then the agreement will not continue.

As a parent, though, I see that you want to encourage her and have her take advantage of opportunities. The hardest thing a parent ever has to do is say no to their DC. The older the DC, the trickier to tends to be.

It is however a very necessary part of parenting. Good luck with implementing the changes you know are required.

BettyBakesCakes · 09/01/2024 14:04

Yanbu. Is she able to claim to pip to contribute towards higher heating costs at all?

NewYearNewCake · 09/01/2024 14:15

She’s taking the piss. My kids have Reynauds but I’ll be damned if I’m paying for the heating when they’re not there.
Getting all her meals cooked for her and not helping to clear up? Sounds like she needs a part time job to start paying her way for all the privileges she’s getting or else she’ll find uni pretty hard work!
Your DH has produced a spoilt little Princess it would seem.

Mrgrinch · 09/01/2024 14:23

She's definitely taking the piss. She wants you to pay to heat her annexe 24/7 just in case she comes home early?! Not a chance. The timer goes back on and she uses the (warm) main house when necessary, or she cannot live there any longer.

Oh and you should be making her wash up.

Dustybarn · 09/01/2024 14:28

Teenagers just don’t care - they will constantly “forget” to switch off the heating as it does not suit them to do so. I’d centrally control it and it can go on at, say, 4pm every day on weekdays. Get her a heated throw to wrap around herself if she gets in early? Otherwise it’s work in the kitchen or pay the bills.

I’d set up a kitchen help roster to address the other issue. Could that work?

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