How can I feel attractive/sexy again?

[Sleepdeprived42long]

11 years of 2 kids, 2 stone heavier, chronic fatigue, PMS with mood swings, stressful job, busy life, just turned 40…has all led to me just now taking care of myself any more-not had my hair cut or coloured for 2 years, I’ve got fungal nail infections I can’t get rid of and I’ve got warts on my hand for the first time in my life. No excuse apart from no time, energy or money to do it all!

My DH is still very attracted to me he says (and I think he’s telling the truth!) but I just struggle to feel attractive when I just don’t feel it if that makes sense! And that’s definitely having an impact on our sex life as my libido is so low.

Anyone got any tips for what I could do to try to feel a bit more my old self again?

No advice but going to follow this for tips as I feel just the same!

Starting to get some regular exercise helps me both mentally and physically. Improves serotonin levels and you will notice a difference in how you look. You will also start to sleep better. Take it slowly and sensibly in the boundaries of your health. You don't need to join a gym - but start to implement regular exercise and commit to doing it on a regular basis.

I was in this position and felt like I'd never get myself back again.

I'd put on three and a half stone and not taken any care of myself. My hair was post lockdown scarecrow and I'd not bought new clothes for years as I didn't want to admit I was heavier. It all seemed insurmountable.

My friend gave me the best tip. Take it a bit at a time. On paper write down all the things you'd like to change on the left hand side, then on the right hand side write one thing you could do to change.
E.g. Lose three stone - Join Slimming World.
Get my hair sorted - book a hair appointment
Get rid of warts - buy treatment from chemist.
Clothes are horrid - buy one new thing every time I lose 4lbs, even if it's just a pair of pretty pants from Sainsbury's.

Some of the things were massive and it's taken me a year to lose the weight, but some others e.g. plucking my eyebrows took moments and bit by bit I got myself back. Every little change made me feel better, even just simple stuff like drinking more water and using hand cream.

Also - believe your husband...you are much more gorgeous than you're actually feeling right now.

Honestly, I was feeling a state and if I can do it, so can you. Good luck!!

I'm not a medical person, but the fungal nail and warts jumped out at me. I've had warts and fungal nails since I started taking drugs to suppress my immune system (for the dodgy guts my username refers to). Could your immune system be out of whack? I'd say it's worth a chat with the GP if possible.

Getting a little bit of exercise in, no matter how small helps me.

I started with Get Fit With Rick on YouTube but Zumba, old Just Dance vids, sexy dance workouts etc all help me. And finding some time, even 20 mins to remember/do the things I really loved, reading or listening to music I really enjoy etc. That's all I've changed recently, (that and maybe a bit of red lippy) and for the first time in a long time a couple of guys have started showing interest without me doing anything special or even looking that good.

Babyliss Big Hair and some layers has made my hair swishy. I don't have much time to moisturise my body but use an inshower/bath oil every other day which smells gorgeous and has helped me feel good for a 2 min investment.

I'm a single carer for disabled family and have a stressful job and have lost myself quite a bit but just these tiny things have started to make me feel a bit better. Just get your body moving in a way you like, indulge a small passion. If you want to lose a bit of weight (I gained A LOT and am still losing) then focus on upping your protein, drinking lots of water and stopping eating after dinner until lunch or brunch the next day (say 7pm till 11am) can be an easy-ish way to get some pounds off without "dieting". Weirdly though men seem to like the curves better than I realised so don't worry too much!

Personal care is a must, get a good hair cut/colour, any GP/ dental appointments sorted.
Get a fitbit and get stuck into your steps and as you get fitter maybe hit the gym.
Prioritise yourself, too many mums forget themselves but kids need a happy healthy mum!!

Getting treatment and sorting out the warts and nails would help.
I feel better when I have tinted and shaped my eyebrows, it makes such a big difference to my face so looking in the mirror is a bit less depressing.
I recently bought 10 new pairs of pants and threw out loads of tatty old pairs.

@AhBiscuits
It's amazing what makes us feel better, agree with new pants and eyebrows 😊

I honestly don’t think I’ve done my eyebrows for 11 years! I like the idea of a list and actions. That might make it seem a bit more manageable. I do walk the dog once a day but I have never really found an exercise that I ‘like’ doing and will stick to. Blood tests at the docs have all come back normal and nail testing also normal even though doc said it was nail infection. Reluctant to go back and waste their time again.

I've put weight on lately and found that admitting that to myself and buying myself matching nice lingerie that actually fits my new body has helped. I was wearing too small underwear that just made me feel worse as it was underlining the change in my body. Worth a try?

Fitness!! That helps alot. Dump old, knackered clothes, update with new or vinted clothes. Haircut and a product or 2 to help maintain the hairdressers efforts. A new lippi and a bit of time for some self care, on facial, taking care of nails etc and do your best to eliminate or minimise a negative internal voice.
You're only 40! You'll be hitting your prime soon 🤩
Good luck x

I got a pedicure (my feet were one of the few bits of me that weren't fat, so I pampered them) and had my eyebrows done.

And a bright pink tunic top from ASDA - to remind me that clothes can be fun, not just camouflage

What really made a huge difference, but isn't a quick fix, was losing weight and taking up running.

But treats along the way whilst you're tacking that can make a huge difference.

• get a good bra in a non-dreary colour (good for how you look, and surprisingly good for morale - gives you a lift both literally and metaphorically)
• nice perfume
• actually use the good stuff you have hoarded in the bathroom cupboard - like the expensive body lotion
• get a really good moisturiser
• buy yourself flowers from time to time

And above all else, get outdoors, ideally somewhere green. Even if running is a step too far at the moment, go for a walk, maybe listening to your favourite music or a podcast you've been meaning to but have never found time for.

Consider other forms of exercise - yoga maybe? Or a sport you enjoyed before but haven't found time for recently.

And consider learning to meditate. I did a full mindfulness course, and even though I don't really practice much now there are some things which have really stuck with me

• recognising that a lot of what is going on isn't really happening, it's your thoughts about it. And you can recognise it as just your thoughts, let them go, and see if that makes a difference
• recognising what in your life nourishes you and what depletes you. Tip the balance towards nourishing
• every day, list between 5 and 10 things you are glad are in your life (sometimes called the gratitudes practice)

Edited to add:

PS: I was 50+ when I did most of this. I'm tackling some of this again now - as weight crept up during lockdown - so thank you. Writing down what I did then is helping me now as well.

For the warts if you put vinegar on them and cover with a plaster and leave over night it kills them, i get them sometimes and its the only thing that takes them away.

I read a thing the other day by Phillipa Perry. She said that we make up stories about ourselves (that we're not attractive for example) but these aren't necessarily true and have no basis in reality.

She said that if we're going to make up stories we might as well make them good ones and so she tells herself that she's confident, attractive and that people want to spend time with her.

As a result I've been telling myself I'm Cate Blanchett and I can't tell you what a swagger it's given me.

@Sleepdeprived42long i can offer tips but its not written by me, if you still want the information ill post it ?

Not read all the thread but about your nails… my sister had what the doc thought was fungal and it turned out to be nail psoriasis. She tried the treatment for fungal nails and it didn’t work so she went back and they sent it all off to a dermatologist (pics and scrapings) and they said it was psoriasis. Apparently it can be triggered at a time of stress which my sister had had. She’s now on some other treatment and it seems to be helping.

These are pictures from Google but what my sister’s look like.

Going back to read the rest as I feel the same at the moment (even though I do ‘look after myself’ somewhat). Good luck OP.

@Emporium0 that would be great if you could!