"Aboriginals are mentalists"- how would you approach this comment?

[piddocktrumperiness]

My DP is in Oz on holiday to visit family who moved there. I was on the phone and his son, who is 12 was on the call too and he was describing his day and made mention that an "aboriginal squared up his mum, for no reason because that's how they are" -I was shocked and could not say anything

Later in the week I'm on a call with DP and asked if he liked the place and the weather and he said "yeah everything is so laid back here but the aboriginals are mentalists" Here we go again. I was shocked again. If he was in front of me I would have nipped that in the bud and called out the racism and prejudice and thrown the history books at him- I am of mixed race myself (ME/NA) but because he is on holiday, visiting family he'd not seen for ages and was looking forward to the trip I didn't want to cause tension or anything. But now I feel like when he does come back in a month too much time has gone by that I can't bring it up again.

How would you have approached this? What could I do now?

Personally I wouldn’t be able to wait for him to get home. Next time you speak and he is on his own, I would say that you have been reflecting on the two recent conversations are are really uncomfortable having heard both him and his son making racist comments, and you feel you need to raise it so it doesn’t fester. See how he responds and take it from there.

I have relatives in NZ who are the same about the Māoris - when I have challenged them, they say I wouldn’t understand because I don’t live there, and shut me down. It’s a tough one as they see it as completely normal and within their rights, and I’m just a stupid lady from Britain who doesn’t know what she’s talking about. I obviously don’t understand the day to day issues out there, but I can still understand their racism - but they don’t listen at all. Good luck 😬

I think you can wait till he gets back. It's really ignorant, but the time for a quick 'stop it, that's racist' has passed.

You could either find something to watch that addresses aboriginal discrimination that prompts a discussion or try to raise it yourself. 'I've been thinking about a comment you made when we were on the phone ' and start it from there.

I'd be inclined to spend some of the time before he gets back arming yourself with some food historical background/facts.

What a racist!

I'd be having a discussion when he's back. Not the first thing you do when he's back but when it's all settled down a bit.

Then kick him out.

If he was in front of me I would have nipped that in the bud and called out the racism and prejudice and thrown the history books at him

Honestly I don't understand if you felt confident enough to lambast him in person why you said absolutely nothing on the phone.

I don't understand the leave your morals at the front door attitudes. Why does it suddenly become acceptable to be a racist when you step off the plane in Sydney. If you aren't racist it is really jarring to hear the casual racism bandied about in Australia. It is the number one reason I moved and stayed here.

He doesn't have to repeat the slurs. He chose to tell the op them. Presumably the relatives aren't eavesdropping while he is on the phone so he doesn't have the "excuse" of not wanting to offend his hosts.

Personally I would call him up and say "I have been thinking about what you said the other day. I didn't have you pegged as a racist cunt. Given my heritage I am finding it difficult to reconcile your current views and our relationship".

For context I am both Australian and mixed race.

The word mentalist means mind reader. Did you mean to say this word? Did he mean to say this word? Aboriginals are very very spirutal people. His reference to laid back and being mind readers would actually make sense.

Also all this advice to attack his racist self…is not how you go about changing racism. How you change it is with calm intellectual debate so the person can think about their actions / language in context and consciously amend future interactions. If you verbally attack him he is going to be become emotionally defensive not thoughtful.

Just ask him what he meant by his comment, does he see aboringinals in a derogative way, and if yes, why - explore his thinking in the context of racism.

Definitely. It's a very serious and racist comment and I'd tell him you're worried he might make a sweeping generalization about your race too.

Sadly comments like this in Australia aren't rare - not wanting to be hypocritical and stereotype all Australians, but I heard a lot similar when I was there (also about Chinese and Lebanese immigrants) perhaps his family and their lack of PC in their Australian culture is rubbing off on them

Good analogy

What till he gets back, i don't think you can have a sensible conversation over the phone and in different time zones. Bring it up when he comes back, say that you'd like to know what he meant because it sounded quite racist to you which was quite triggering given your mixed race background. Then see what he says and have a conversation from there.

This was my thought when reading the thread title.

A racist is someone with an entrenched attitudes demonstrated over time/political affiliations.

Everything else is behaviour.

Call the behaviour, don't label the behaviour, and you'll get further.

Jesus!! Label the behaviour not the person.

You might want to watch The Australian Wars on iPlayer, it is a sobering insight into the early settlers and conflicts in the founding of Australia.

I don’t know where to start with this but I’ll have a somewhat despairing go.

”Aboriginal people”, capital A, if you are not sure whether you are talking about eg Yuin people or Dharug people. If you are talking about a particular person, wait (without asking, unless specifically invited) to be told their preference, and, if not told, stick to “Dave in Accounts”.

Yes, it’s fair to say, after the recent referendum, that a large number of Australians are racist arses, and we have a lot of hard to work to do - but this particular adult is not Australian.

”Mentalist” has a secondary meaning as slang for “psychologically disturbed”.

OP, if you feel able to challenge DP’s attitude, thank you.

I've spent time in Oz and have family there. Seeing anti social behaviour from the aboriginal people is not unusual, but you would expect nothing less from a people who have been blighted by murder, persecution and discrimination of the worst kind for generations.

He should be made aware that concluding what is seen with an inherent quality in that category of people is showing a serious lack of insight or understanding of the human race. You put any group of people through what that group of people have been through and you'll see no difference in the resultant effect on how they conduct themselves. If he thinks his tripe of person would be immune from this he's sadly mistaken.

So his attitude is either borne of deep deep ignorance or is the effect of grasping at the easiest least uncomfortable opinion out of a choice of 'these people are all mental' and 'these people have been subjected to generation upon generation of systematic deprivation, abuse, violence, social out-casting etc etc and the results are a serious complex social issue (very common in Oz). No group of humans put through what they've been put through would be doing any better.

I weep for the missed opportunity of the referendum but that's another thread.

This is your husband. Surely you know how to talk to him about all sorts. I can’t tell you how to approach it as I don’t know him, I could tell you what I’d say to my husband but that’s not very helpful. How do you navigate difficult conversations usually? This isn’t even that difficult.

Wouldnt that be a bit weird because it implies its ok to say that about non marginalised people and if its ok to say it about non marginalised people then its ok to say it about anyone

I presume mentalist means ' a bit mental' 'not quite right' rather than the Derren Brown version of mentalist?

Ive had this from South Africans before, talking about black South Africans. I was bowled over. Apparently its 'different' there because they are not like 'black people here'

It was incredible

It simply IS different to say something to someone who is massively disadvantaged than to someone who has the same privilege or more than yourself.

Wait till he gets back. It’s a proper sit down conversation so he can see from your face how worrying you find his attitude. I had to have a similar conversation with DP once and personally I didn’t feel that the delay made any difference. I appreciate that everyone is different though.

As someone upthread has said, its a lot like how it is when people in the UK start talking about Travellers.

(I’m not trying to justify racism towards Indigenous Australian people, Māori people or Travellers, to be clear.)

I had this in New York about Black people when we visited some family.
I was told that they were all rude and had an attitude so to be careful of them in a particular shop. I noticed how they spoke to them. They were curt and abrupt so that's what they got back.
I had a few interactions. I was perfectly normal, polite and smiled and and that's what I got back.
When I mentioned this, I was told I just got lucky.
I guess there's some of this going on here too so your dp will be convinced he's correct.

@piddocktrumperiness he may be repeating the same thing to other people and digging himself deeper. I would send him a Whatsapp message or email (whatever he uses) to warn him that what he said is racist, you found it disturbing, and you want to talk to him about it when he gets home.

You might want to also explain what a "mentalist" actually is: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mentalism

@Ohnoooooooo "The word mentalist means mind reader."

Yeah, sure it does. What he meant was that all Native Australians are so tuned in to the spirit world it's amazing. 🤔

I wonder what the aboriginals say to each other about members of the European-heritage or any other non-aboriginal community.