Help me visualise how my life could be this time next year

[Lifechanges2024]

Am 46 and feel like life is passing me by very quickly and generally feel a bit rudderless in life. Have summed up who I am below. Past few years been shocking on MH, lost both parents and a number of other problems. Better place now, have made big decision to come off AD but feeling lost. Thought would be good to visualise how different my life could be next year if made changes but am struggling to do this. Please can anyone help me think how below could change for better in 12 months?

-BMI 30, 14.5 stone, size 18/20
-Flabby, unfit, tired walking two flights of stairs
-no hobbies
-senior manager at work but stuck in rut role wise, feel bullied by peer, hate going in
-Dh of 20 years, relationship so so, don’t do anything together
-2 dc good relationship, very much feeling they need me less as get older

Thanks for reading as is long!

Hi, I'm the same age and size as you. As I read your post I feel like you have a lot going on and I do exactly the same thing about trying to visualise a better future but it would seem overwhelming to want to change so much. In your case your work situation sounds like the bit that I'd tackle first but I know that's easier said than done.

Which of those things bother you the most?

Thanks and yes work needs tackling. I feel like I need to change companies but really feeling the pressure of being my age and feasibility of trying to move again. Am in banking and feel very much as though ageism for women is rife. I need to work for another 15 years at least so want to feel comfortable in my position and enjoy it.

In all honesty- all of them. I’m hoping 12 months would be a good timeframe to make changes to all, even if not all starting at same time.

Go to parkrun every Saturday, walkers are very welcome, watch your time drop week on week, when you feel up to it stay couch to 5k, also one you get it start volunteering to be the tailwalker, last place making sure nobody else finishes last. Then maybe some other volunteer roles, you will quickly become part of a local inclusive community and get some guaranteed exercise each week.

Why no pick one thing from your list and make that your focus first. For me several years ago it was the weight and fitness. I started going out for a walk around the park down the street a few nights a week, husband won’t come but I went anyway. I did that for a few months then started an aquarobics class once or twice a week (depending on work commitments) Once I did that for six months or so I plucked up the courage to meet a personal trainer they had their own set up so not in a public gym. Brave enough after that to see a PT in a busy gym -the first stopped working. Tiny steps but all in the correct direction, good luck OP.

I spotted in time that autocorrect had me going to an aqua erotica class - pole dancing in the water somewhat of a challenge 🤣🤣

I'm in a similar boat, OP, including similar weight. I know we're not supposed to focus on it but I've come to the conclusion that, for me, losing weight is my absolute priority- I do all the right things for a full life- work, seeing friends, exercising, arts and cultural stuff I enjoy, walking, religious practice, spending time with my family, volunteering- so no real complaints but every single moment I am aware of my weight and how it affects me and how people perceive me. (In a silly way, it feels like living my life with my skirt tucked into my knickers and spinach in my teeth and knowing that I have these things and can't change them- just a constant feeling of embarrassment and borderline shame which I have to push through.)

So my plan is to lose the weight (same as it was last year 😭) but this time actually to do it.

I don't know whether any of that rings true for you but if it does then maybe weight loss and fitness would be a good place to start. Feeling better in yourself might give you the confidence to make the career changes you need and think about your relationship- I know that you don't need to be thin to deserve a rewarding career and relationship but for myself, in practice, I know I find it easier to be fully myself when I'm not constantly thinking about my size.

Take up strength training - bootcamps 3 times a week. Within 6 weeks you will feel fitter, stronger, happier. It affects not just your body but your mind. Best replacement for ADs.

Then I'd do two other things. Make a bucket list of everything you have ever wanted to do but not got around to. Make sure some things on it are tiny and free, as well as some big ambitious ones. Then tick off at least one thing from the list every week. It can be as tiny as 'I've always wondered what turmeric tea tastes like' (get some) and as big as 'All my life I have wanted to visit the Grand Canyon.' (Start saving, look up flights and hotel deals, treks etc). At work, pick your least favourite job and mentally tell yourself that the money you earn from the hours you spend on it will go towards the trip of a lifetime fund. Scale back in other areas if you can.

Every time you don't buy a food 'treat' that actually harms your health, make a note of the cost and transfer it to the bucket list fund and spend it there instead. (Can be as little as £15 not spent on a takeout is spent on a new novel by an author you once liked or on expensive soap you wouldn't normally buy yourself)

The other thing I'd do is try something new either every day or every week. Can include the bucketlist stuff but also stuff you're either scared of or normally think 'Not for me' just to widen your horizons. Do some of these with your DH - go to a Rugby Sevens match or a metal gig or collect wild garlic and make pesto and soup. You can find lists online of ideas to try.

This resonated with me because I was in a similar position at your age right down to the senior position/bullying boss. This is is outing to anyone who knows me, but I fell over on ice and as so hit the ground I knew my wrist was broken and my first thought was ‘ fab I’ll get two weeks off work’ -a definite signal to change careers.
I retrained as a secondary teacher (qualifying age 52) although the job isn’t perfect it is massively more stimulating and interesting -I teach in a lovely independent school and obviously have the perk of loads of holidays.
Definitely second park run/walk!. People there are very welcoming and encouraging -no stigma about size and even if you just walk you get to know people and after a few weeks you are in a real community -especially of you volunteer to marshal sometimes.
If you live near a river, have a go at Paddleboarding. You don’t have to stand up! But is low effort way try one on water which is uplifting and a way to meet people and have fun.
I ended up leaving my husband too. Not advocating that, but I moved to a tiny house in a vibrant community and feel alive now in a way that I didn’t in my large house in the suburbs.

I'd address the list from the bottom up. Sit down now and plan family activities for the year. Holidays can be booked in now. Theatre trips same. If not your thing perhaps get a cinema card as a family. Merlin card would be a real commitment to family days out. Sit down with dh and dc and say the kids are growing up. This is a good year to make family memories. Ask them what they want to do and spread activities out across the year. Aim for monthly.

Dh aim for a little date every week but nothing huge. Go out for lunch to a coffee shop or leave the dc in and go to nearby pub for a drink if that's your thing. Or go for a walk together. Plan a couples trip for the weekend without the dc. Get friends or family to babysit.

Work brush up your cv but also book a meeting with your appraising manager and say you are in a rut and looking forward to contributing in a new way this year. That could be a new project, secondment to a new team, working towards promotion (could be a 2-3 year period before promotion). Developing a new specialism so working more with a particular person. Or taking on a junior person to pass on your knowledge to them. I don't know how it works in your industry but it's a big organisation and there's scope for change.

I think you need to bear in mind that if you start gunning at work then plans to focus on your family and weight might slip.

With the weight and energy set yourself more achievable goals like cutting out junk and sugar or controlling portion sizes. Stuff thst is healthy for life. Definitely make your new hobby an exercise you enjoy. Swimming is great if you dont want to injure yourself. Walking mire could be combined with spending time with DH. See if he wants to join a gym. Thats something you could do as a damily! If you want to do some big diet and exercise thing do so.

Don't be too hard on yourself. I think make it a 3 year plan with work and weight but focus on your family now!

@Lifechanges2024 I separated from my husband years ago and when I returned to the UK and had to start from scratch in terms of everything. I found the jobs market a complete and utter nightmare and agree wholeheartedly that there's all sorts of discrimination going on. I found my old industries far too competitive and I couldn't even get basic office or retail work so I've started a new career as a TA in a special academy.

Weight wise I know I need to tackle it but I've struggled a lot in the past. I walk everywhere now so I'm hoping that helps. I know it's going to be a slow process with my Weight but changing my hair, making more effort with my clothes and appearance gave me more confidence. On my first day back at work after Xmas my boss said she didn't recognise me because I looked so glamorous. HR have just tried to cut my hours and a colleague called a meeting with the head on my behalf. It's been a long time since anyone has offered to fight my corner and it felt great.

Also health wise I'm not going to put pressure on myself but hopefully by making healthier choices and cutting down on alcohol and caffeine might help.

Lol at aqua erotica!

I disagree with focusing on your weight. Reason I say this is that I spent a long time really unhappy with my weight. My 22 year relationship ended last year and even though my weight hasn't changed in that time (it has probably gone up after Xmas!), I don't care about it and it doesn't occupy my thoughts in the same way as it did when I was still with ex. I think a lot of women are guilty of externalising their dissatisfaction with their life and making it about their appearance when it is anything but.

I would focus on building nurturing relationships with those around you. You don't spend a lot of time with your DH. How can that improve? What can you do to change that? I'd focus on that. But from my own perspective, ALOT of my life has improved in ways I never thought imaginable when my marriage ended. I never actually realised just how low-level unhappy it made me.

Can you tackle your diet? Start eating a bit better? Get a fit bit and get your steps in each day

Nothing and I mean nothing has made a difference to my MH the way eating clean (trying to) and getting in a daily walk. It’s not a miracle but all of a sudden after a few days you realise the clouds haven’t shown up. The sun doesn’t necessarily come out iyswim but as long as the grey clouds don’t come then that’s a bonus right?

Date night? Theatre? What do you enjoy?

m how about a weekend away with maybe your kids? Or you dh and the kids? Nice lunches, walks, wines/beers etc

Thanks everyone. I’m feeling very uplifted and inspired to read ideas. Just the idea of positive change is helping my mood this morning.

re addressing weight first - I guess weight and exercise should go hand in hand so will tackle both together with baby steps.

have struggled with family / dh ideas so thanks for the suggestions!

Re food -one thing that massively helped me was to put a pre roasted chicken in the slow cooker and boil up for stock then remove the bones adds lots of chopped vegetables/lentils/chick peas/mixed pulses (the stock has to be tasty) so of I come home from work or park run ravenous there is always a tasty hot very filling snack available instantly -and I feel quite virtuous having consumed it-really helps with motivation and kills any craving for sugar.

Hi Lovely

Re: the AD I came off them as the reasons I was on them were no longer applicable but after 6 months realised I actually prefered the person I am on them. Going back on them helped me be more rationale. If you decide to go back on them dont feel defeated. I think there is still a bit of a stigma with AD and often one we put on ourselves.

When my MH hit a low I joined a gym. I realised I actually didnt hate gyms all those years I just hated cardio. Ive lost 22lb through better ish eating and doing weights. I still have wine, take aways etc, sometimes they are good for the soul.

Be kind on yourself and start small x

I would add to Parkrun suggestion it's great community feel at ours and a good chance to meet local people and make connections. Walkers very welcome and there's usually plenty of people who walk it. As time goes on you can build in some jogging. Starts the weekend off great and it's free

I hear you, OP! Similar age and weight here, my DC are smaller than yours though and still needy. I'm just lost really, after years of looking after small DC and DP being snappy, grumpy and sapping my confidence, I still don't have much time to myself to make any changes I started the year with many good intentions but so far haven't fulfilled most of them!

@PoinsettiaLives I know exactly what you mean about weight always being the embarrassment at the back of your mind... I'm constantly wondering if people are judging me or, if they've known me longer, thinking "look at Jane, she used to be reasonably pretty but now she's just a porker!"

@Ohyay I loathed games, PE etc at school and thought that was it for me, I'd hate all sport forever. But yes, it turned out that I just hate team sports, actually enjoy the gym/ swimming/ aerobics classes when I can be on my own! I quite like a Parkrun too