My child has lost a friend to suicide and my heart is so sore

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

aged 16

my heart is broken

any advice ?

suicide is brutal. We are heartbroken.

I have no experience but am sending a huge hug. Did see this online xx

Brutal, my advice is to make sure they don't carry guilt. Nothing they could have said or done would have changed anything.

If school have a councilling service get them to use it.

Been there 😕 Let the youngsters find solace in being together if you can.

Expect support from school. My ds’s school were shit.

I’m so sorry.

💐

Bereavement following a suicide is a particularly difficult bereavement and for one so young, even more so. My sibling died by suicide but much older. Fron my experience and reading about others', it's most akin to other violent, sudden deaths. Shock, trauma, guilt etc are all more pronounced. There are a number of charities that specialise in suicide bereavement and also young people experiencing a bereavement. For example, survivors of bereavement by suicide and Winston's Wish. Best advice ingot for talking to young people about it, is to go at their own pace. Provide time and space for them to talk, but if they don't want to, don't push it. I am so so sorry you are experiencing this.

I’m so sorry. Very painful for everyone - there will be a huge range of emotions. Keep pouring on love and encourage communication. Love to you x

Oh I'm so, so sorry.

Unfortunately I've been there more than once. Two young men who left far too soon.

How ever you feel is ok. It's a particularly complicated grief. I felt very angry for quite a long time.

I also find a lot of suicide campaigns hard because they often focus quite rightly on spotting the signs, and when someone you love didn't show those signs, or didn't show them to you, or you didn't see them, you can feel terrible guilt. It's no-one's fault and nothing you did made it happen or could have prevented it.

Suicide is complex, never has a single cause, is often impulsive, is sometimes probably not even completely purposeful.

Talk about them when you can. Hold on to each other. Be gentle with yourselves. Eventually it will get better.

I lost a friend to suicide at 19 and it was awful. His letter mentioned infatuation with me at the time and I had been entirely unaware of this. I felt guilty for not recognizing that my friend had been thinking of suicide or knowing that he had unrequited feelings for me. Looking back through adult eyes, I suspect there was childhood trauma or serious MH issues that had not been acknowledged or treated. If you can organize some counselling for your DC asap that would be very helpful.

If possible let dc attend the funeral. My 2 ds's lost at least 2 good mate's each.. 1 at 14...absolute tragedy. Let your dc know you are always available for a chat. Whatever is on their mind...

I lost my son’s father to suicide when I was 17. All I can say is just be there. Let them have their anger, tears, screaming and emotion. There will be times when you might get confronted with them demanding explanations from you. I did this, was breaking and just needed someone to give me an answer. You can’t answer. You just need to let them scream, break and be upset and give all the hugs you can.

@Pleasegivemeyourwisdom I’m so sorry to read this, sending you a massive hug. This happened to my daughter in May last year 😔. The best thing I could do was let her talk when she wanted to (and she talked a lot about her friend) and hold her when she sobbed. And also for me to be able to talk to someone was really helpful because it was so awful listening to my daughter. We did cry together, we talked about her friend, we bought a beautiful small solar powered light for her room. Her and their other friends did go to the funeral, which obviously was distressing, but also has helped longer term. My daughter’s school were brilliant (residential 6th form), they set aside a room for any of the students to use, had the counsellor available and kept a very close eye on the small group of closest friends. We had a lot of contact with them which was helpful to me as a parent and they would insist on the girls going into classes even if at first they could only be in the lessons for a short time. Be honest with your daughter about how it happened (if you know) and be prepared for questions, anger (I couldn’t do anything right at times) and random outbursts of crying in the months afterwards. Someone suggested Winston’s Wish already I think - they have a book/resource that’s aimed at supporting a child who has lost a parent by suicide, but it was very useful still in many respects. Sorry that was very long, you’re welcome to drop me a message at any time if it helps at all.

Thanks for your replies

going to re read them all through now x

I'm so sorry. Be prepared for the anger and sadness to come back for many years to come. I lost a very close friend to suicide aged 18 and it was horrific. The overwhelming anger was scary. The guilt is still with me over 20 years later (am seeing a psychologist and it's one of the first things I mentioned).

I remember my mum being puzzled at me being sad the following spring because he would never again hear the birds sing. For her it was months later and I shouldnt be dwelling on it. That was hard.

Anniversaries are hard. Specific songs we loved are hard (12 years after it happened I had to warn my DH that I would be crying through a specific song in a musical we were going to see because I could not hear it without crying).

After a few weeks of feeling like I was going to erupt with anger a friend suggested I get a notebook and write it all down. It really really helped. An outpouring of grief and anger. I didn't keep them and I never re read them but they were a life saver.

Also was her friend male or female? Mine was male and after he died I read loads of stats about the high rate of suicide in young males. I have since had 2 DSes and have an underlying fear about them and suicide.

@Pleasegivemeyourwisdom how are you and your family doing? Been thinking of you today x I dropped my daughter back to school today and she took her friend’s hoodie (the closest friends were all given things that their friend wanted them to have) and she said it still smelt of her. I suggested she put it back in the carrier bag to keep the smell and my daughter just said ‘X would have said ‘just fcuking wear it’ so that’s what I’m going to do.’ It’s hard, so so hard but eventually there will be small moments where there are smiles. All you can do is be there for your child and keep talking yourself x

I think this may be local to me OP. It's so tragic and all I can think of is those poor parents analysing every single conversation they had or didn't have, desperately looking for an answer.

Everyone needs time but their lives are forever changed.

@BigBoysDontCry hope you’re ok also?

And yes, the family’s lives are changed forever, and also the ripples are felt way beyond the family. It’s so hard to deal with but also so hard to be able to spot or prevent. Sending thoughts your way also x

Been there, she would have been 36 now but will instead be forever 17, my child's age. The hardest bit was thinking of all the things she missed, wishing she was here for them. We all get older but she never will.

Allow him to process and express his thought if he wants to talk let him talk if he wants to have a good cry let him cry ….if he isn’t expressive I would encourage him to talk to someone whether face to face or online. There’s Kooth website which offer online counselling through chat for young people that friends kids who have used them have given good reviews. Also I think Childline or YoungMinds have a similar online service, sometimes it’s easier to express feelings more openly to a stranger than someone we know.
It will be hard on you and your family too thinking and worrying about him so be kind to yourself xx

Thank you I didn't know the family as my DC are a few years older but same community and school and my friend is very close to them.

I had a friend who took her own life in her twenties and we still have no answers as to why. You go through every emotion including anger but in the end you just have to accept that they were ill and thought what they were doing was for the best/their only way out.

The thought of my DC doing this is horrific and I've had many conversations about how sharing your thoughts can help and that there isn't a problem in the world where that is the answer but you just don't know do you?

I had a ex that told me that sometimes when out riding his motorbike he would randomly think about riding straight into a concrete wall.

Anyway this isn't about me, and you are right, it will have an impact far and wide, even on people not directly affected. I understand that there is much being put in place at school for the DC returning tomorrow.

I don't know how people manage to put one foot in front of the other. My DB died at 42 and it changed us all. My other brother's wife said at the time, we loved and miss the man he'd become and even the child he was, but to my parents he was also the precious baby they held for the first time.

@Pleasegivemeyourwisdom just wondered how you’re doing x

Ok thank you. Still very sad. As is my child. Comes in waves 😔 sweet of you to ask, thank you xx

If you or your son need some support google "If U Care Share" its an excellent charity that helps those affected by suicide.