Looking for advice if you’ve ever been in this situation…

[emotional22344]

Basically I value my self worth, my self esteem, my total happiness on opinions from men I am dating and if they want to sleep with me. I don’t know these men but my anxiety and happiness levels are heavily impacted by the level of interest they show etc. And I am so fed up of feeling like this.

I went on a third date earlier this week. We’ve already slept together on the first and second date, but this time he wanted to go home as he didn’t feel very well. I felt totally rejected by this to the point that I even got upset in front of him and was trying to persuade him to stay out (I was a bit drunk).

I am annoyed with myself because I am concerned and upset that I have messed things up with him, but also, I don’t really know him so why am I so bothered? Also, when I got home I felt so sad about my future prospects. I am early 30s and I really want a relationship but I feel I place these men on such a high pedestal I fear I am never going to truly meet someone who treats me the way I want to be treated.

Has anyone else been in this situation? Or have any advice? I know I probably need counselling but that’s a long road ahead.

I am feeling a bit fragile so please be kind 🥺

I just can’t stop thinking too about what if I hadn’t acted that way, or said that or did that… 😢

Anyone?

If someone acted this clingy with me, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with them. Sorry. It would really put me off if someone cried because I wanted to go home after date 3.

Hi

Look it's really really hard especially when you are early 30s because society is telling you are a swirling the drain and this is your last chance.

I was there... I did 4 years on shitty tinder

Simple advice

Don't sleep with anyone for 2month minimum make it a blanket rule

Read "the rules"

Practice rejecting men who aren't suitable

Get some therapy (seriously)

Don’t get so drunk you can’t controls your emotions, especially with a relative stranger.

@emotional22344 I’d recommend a book called Not Tonight Mr Right, by Kate Taylor. It was written quite a while ago, before the internet had the level of malignant influence on relationships that it does now. Nevertheless the book well written and funny - Kate Taylor puts forth a strong argument.

Have a look at it. It might change your perspective a bit.

Good luck OP.

You already know you should value yourself for who you are, not through your dates - you just need to put that into practice. Counselling would help.

And never sleep with a man on the first couple of dates, unless he's so amazing you can't help yourself and you really want to, for you!

In this case he may just genuinely have felt unwell, but you can't force these things either way. Don't call him and if he does call you, try to play it cool. Love yourself first. Good luck.

I’d second @Teenagehorrorbag.

Unless you really can’t keep your hands off him - and that kind of chemistry doesn’t happen all the time - I would hold back.
Get to know them a bit.

On date two or three he could come out with something utterly abhorrent to you - politics/ values totally misaligned with yours - and you’d have already exchanged bodily fluids with him. Someone you don’t even like.

I wouldn't know where to begin with all this other to say you could benefit from professional help and you keep up with safe sex

Don't beat yourself up. He may have been genuinely unwell. It happens. I slept with DH on the 1st date and out 2nd date was 2 months later. Been together for 14 years. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. You're still young, loads of time to meet the right person. If having sex on the first date and then not having it on the third has added to your anxiety then avoid doing that again, unless you really want to.
I'd avoid alcohol because it's making your anxiety worse and seek a therapist to help understand why you feel the way you do. Perhaps a good idea to avoid dating if it's making you feel unwell.

I know it’s counter intuitive but men find it a relationship turn off if women sleep with them too soon I know it’s unfair but men kind of think if she was that eager to jump into bed with me then she would for other men too but unlike women men are happy to have sex with no plan for a relationship. Women are really fighting against it these days because there are way more attractive women than men so by simple math women have to share and because the few men that are actually worth the effort have so many options it’s actually crazy they can exhibit some really fucked up behaviour and get away with it.

Do you have borderline personality disorder or any other mental health issue? This is how people with BPD can act. I'd suggest therapy.

Thanks for the replies.
I am just going to pull back, give space, and see what happens. Can’t change anything now - what will be will be.
And finally start working on my own self worth and self esteem 🥺

I could have written this! I've even had two brief marriages but have been single (happily - life is much calmer!) for 7yrs. I am 52 though.

Definitely look into counselling. I've been recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, emotional disregulation and ADHD (along with other things) and it all made sense to me then. It may be that you have a similar condition and you need to learn how to live with it/behave with others.

All the best OP!