Coparenting/Extracirriculars

[PennyLane453]

So, my kids dad is obsessed with hockey. He has always signed them up, coached, paid. All of it. This year, he signed all 3 of our kids up for 2 teams. All are playing travel hockey. However, after signing them up, he refused to pay for anything. Also, there are 15 tournaments out of town and he only agreed to take them too 4.

I have offered him 6 various offers on how we could split these expenses and he refused all and wont offer anything. I basically told him, if he doesn't step up they can't play. I just can't afford it. It's around $1000 per tournament. Further, the time committment is becoming unmanageable. Between now and March 15, I have only 4 days which are nor delegated to hockey. He works away so he isnt dedicating his time. I also have a demanding job making it even more difficult. Most days, me and my kids leave the house at 730 am and are not home until 9 or 10 at night because we have hockey ever evening.

Thoughts?

Do they enjoy hockey?

That amount of time and money sounds crazy and unsustainable.

It isn't sustainable from my end. My kids do like hockey, but they have been socialized that way. They have other interests but cannot explore anything else do to the excessive time committments of hockey. Ideally, I would have them each play on 1 team and even that is a big time commitment. Currently, each of them have practice 5x a week. With 1 team you would have practice 3x a week. Plus we have tournaments almost every weekend and as above you can see I am doing 80% or more compared to my ex and this is really his thing. I have other goals for our family time but right now all our money/time is going into hockey.

I'm honestly exhausted and just want to give up thats why I'm finding it easy to tell him no and place some boundaries.

I think you just need to pull the plug, sit down with your kids and be honest about the financial and time issue. You may find they are relieved. If they are this athletic there are probably many other sports they would enjoy that are much more doable for your family. This time make sure you all look carefully at the cost and time commitment.

Explain if they really love hockey they can continue themselves once they get a job that pays enough or they can go to uni/college and access the facilities there in a few years.
My guess is they are well aware that the push is coming from their dad and hopefully will be understanding.
Are you in the UK, Canada or the USA? Is it field hockey or ice hockey?

Can you manage 1 team per kid? How old are the kids? I don't believe in protecting them from shitty parenting- dad previously paid, he no longer can, I can not afford it, there is a consequence. If he's not happy with that- not your problem.

Tell each child they can choose one activity per week, it doesn't have to be hockey, and basic logistics/travel have to work for you.

And tell your ex that's how it will be, unless he gets off his bottom, does some of the driving and pays up.

This. He doesn’t get to sign them up for you to then have to pay it and do the running around. Is he now unbothered about them playing? Regardless he made the commitment to it and them and has now backed out. That was really wrong of him. You do what works for your family, he obviously can’t be relied upon.

He's your ex, not your supervisor. He doesn't direct your time or money.

You don't ask, you tell. And I would start low. For example, if he pays for and commits to equal time, they will do one team each. He'll argue, you can say, "fine, I'll do the time, but you're still paying". Leave yourself wiggle room.

I assume from your attitude towards him he was at least emotionally abusive.

One team is still a lot but more manageable. I would try that.

He doesn't get to tell you what to do. You do what you believe is sustainable and that's it.