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Autistic women assemble! #3

996 replies

Nepmarthiturn · 06/01/2024 18:58

This is a thread for autistic women to connect, chat, vent, laugh, share and seek advice and solidarity (small talk and word mincing not required). 😊

Any autistic women newly finding the thread are very welcome to join us (even if awaiting diagnosis) but we'd be grateful if others could leave us alone please…

Previous threads:

1

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4777843-autistic-women-assemble

#2
http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4865805-autistic-women-assemble-2

OP posts:
Thread gallery
31
RainbowZebraWarrior · 25/01/2024 07:20

@Ssamjang I'd not tell anyone, personally. I told one or two people only, but gave it a long time before doing so. I wanted to be sure I could trust people and they wouldn't 'use it against me'

With work and people already knowing, I don't think anyone would have guessed about me either. I was an expert masker in a high powered job working in management for HMRC. I may be deluded here, but I was well suited to the job I was doing. Mind, I'm going back to my 30s there. The cracks started to show late 40s and now my (Autistic) daughter says I come across as very Autistic. It's fine, I know I do now. My poor body and brain couldn't cope any more with pretending to be something I wasn't (even though I didn't realise I was pretending at the time)

ChaoticBag · 25/01/2024 09:19

Can I ask something of people who have a diagnosis of autism and ADHD? Do you feel your autism presents differently to examples of people you know or things you've read about people who have an autism only diagnosis?

I know that a lot of us will have undiagnosed comorbidities but I'm interested in puzzling out which bits are possible autism and which are diagnosed ADHD. I've just read Fern Brady's book and some of what she describes is completely unrelatable. Other parts are relatable - but maybe that's because there's a neurodiverse overlap in symptoms anyway.

I'd be interested to hear what other people have thought about this.

TheShellBeach · 25/01/2024 09:28

I can see Rainbow's point about not telling people at work, @Ssamjang

Bearing in mind the misunderstandings about autism which are often demonstrated on this site, it may be prudent to keep your diagnosis to yourself.

TheShellBeach · 25/01/2024 09:30

VICTORY

The housing association has backed down and we're getting to keep our warden in the sheltered housing complex!

Yay! And Yay for my neighbour, X.
The two of us really took the buggers on.

LoveSandbanks · 25/01/2024 09:45

That’s fab news @TheShellBeach well done

RainbowZebraWarrior · 25/01/2024 10:08

@ChaoticBag That's a really interesting question. Myself and DD are both AuDHD for context.

It depends firstly, I think which is more prevalent. So I'd say my Autism is more prevalent than my ADHD. DD is 50/50 in so much as they compete against each other a lot, or she's often non verbal at school, but hyper at home.

On top of that, you have different symptom profiles. My Psychiatrist said that my Autism symptom profile is complex, so I've had to become an expert on this I'm order to understand myself. I've read books before whereby I can identify massively with certain traits the author describes (Laura James for example) but have absolutely don't relate at all with other issues they describe.

It's an interesting point you make about other co morbidities. For example, depression. I have no experience of what I would call real depression. Never been medicated for anxiety, never had a diagnosis of a mental health condition or sigificant / prolonged trauma. To me, any anxiety I have is completely linked to my Autism. So there is definitely an overlap with some Autistic women who perhaps have mental health conditions also, or even just different symptom priolfes. That makes their experience very different to mine.

Age is also a factor, as is environment, fanily bacground and influences. I guess not everyone's experience will ever be the same, although the experiences we share on here, for example, can be very validating and comforting. So many similarities, but also a lot of differences.

I found it really helpful to complete the wheel and see how my spiky profile differed to say, my daughters, even though we are so alike.

As we know, a lot of women question whether they are actually Autistic in the early stages of exploration, due to how women present. I also think a lot of women may initially dismiss Autism and / or ADHD as they don't present in the same way as someone they know of or read about.

With ADHD in particular, because my Autism rules the roost, I don't identify with a lot of ADHD traits. (For example, my Autism largely keeps me organised, but some people with ADHD struggle massively their whole lives with finances) My Autism also helps me concentrate on certain things, but when I'm tired, my attention deficit is very pronounced and collides with sensory issues. I'm also not a very sensory seeking person and hate weighted blankets for example.

Humans are fascinating, and complex creatures and I will forever find Autism and ADHD incredibly interesting.

RainbowZebraWarrior · 25/01/2024 10:09

Good grief, I bore myself sometimes. TLDR: Yes I think we are all very different in our own way, and I don't identify at all with certain traits.

@TheShellBeach Great news! Well done.

ChaoticBag · 25/01/2024 10:19

RainbowZebraWarrior · 25/01/2024 10:09

Good grief, I bore myself sometimes. TLDR: Yes I think we are all very different in our own way, and I don't identify at all with certain traits.

@TheShellBeach Great news! Well done.

😂 that was a really interesting reply though! And yes, confirms what I'm suspecting, that one person's autism or AuDHD may look and feel very different to mine.

There were things in FB's book that made me make notes on my own experience because I hadn't had someone identify them to me like that before - such as alexythymia and also shyness. Not saying FB is an expert on anything but herself but it just happens to be what I've just read 😂

Psychoticbreak · 25/01/2024 10:31

I am still convincing myself the ASD is wrong and the ADHD is 'all' I have but I cant imagine I have been lied to I just havent really reconciled it with myself as yet!

RainbowZebraWarrior · 25/01/2024 10:45

Psychoticbreak · 25/01/2024 10:31

I am still convincing myself the ASD is wrong and the ADHD is 'all' I have but I cant imagine I have been lied to I just havent really reconciled it with myself as yet!

I think this is quite interesting (with the usual caveat of some things may not apply at all)

I'd also say (as I always do) that my 'scores' or traits looked very different in my 30s as opposed to now being 52.

Autistic women assemble! #3
TheShellBeach · 25/01/2024 11:06

Argh!!

There's a spelling mistake on that wheel thing, Rainbow.

Zok · 25/01/2024 11:11

Do you think it’s true that the autistic female brain is closer to a man’s brain?
Marriage issues as other women tell me I need to be showing husband appreciation and affection which I don’t like

Conkersinautumn · 25/01/2024 11:16

Hey 👋 I'm currently medicated for depression. Whilst it doesn't 'affect' difficulties from my autism its amazing how it has tackled my ability to talk myself out of things. Has anyone else experienced an ability to mask or function more readily on ad?

To say a bit about me: I guess I feel like an asd pretender having got to my 40s with no diagnosis.

Hey to all, thanks for this bit of asd space. It is good to know there are other asd adults around. Mainly asd is a parenting issue for me. I shall try to read through these threads.

JewelleryCat · 25/01/2024 11:19

TheShellBeach · 25/01/2024 11:06

Argh!!

There's a spelling mistake on that wheel thing, Rainbow.

I’ve seen it too. Why do people spell it like that? Also, well done on the warden 🙂

Psychoticbreak · 25/01/2024 12:00

I cant unsee it now!

RainbowZebraWarrior · 25/01/2024 12:08

Psychoticbreak · 25/01/2024 12:00

I cant unsee it now!

Hehe. Me too.

This definitely comes under the heading "may notice small details that others miss"

RainbowZebraWarrior · 25/01/2024 12:16

Zok · 25/01/2024 11:11

Do you think it’s true that the autistic female brain is closer to a man’s brain?
Marriage issues as other women tell me I need to be showing husband appreciation and affection which I don’t like

This is really interesting. As a kid, I was a massive tomboy. As an adult, I haven't enjoyed relationships with men. That's not to say that I think I'd enjoy relationships with women. I think I just didn't fit in to the stereotype of 'female' I dated a lot in my 40s after splitting with DDs Dad and was horrified to find how much Men's expectations of women were majorly stereotypical. And don't get me started on the fixation for women to be 'submissive'

As much as I hate to generalise, I think my brains default setting is more masculine. Maybe I've just rebelled all my life against the Patriarchy, I don't know. I'm not as 'emotional' as most females I've come across in life, therefore it was another way that I knew I was different.

Hard to explain, but yes. More of a feeling or just personal experience and observation throughout life. I quite like being a single parent in many ways, as it means I don't have to fall into a traditional role within a heterosexual parenting couple.

RainbowZebraWarrior · 25/01/2024 12:18

Hi @Conkersinautumn Hopefully someone else who has experience of ADs can answer. I'd imagine that they would be helpful in a lot of cases, though.

TheShellBeach · 25/01/2024 12:28

@Conkersinautumn I've been on ADs for years.

They help me with anxiety and also help me to sleep.

I've tried coming off them quite a few times and I always sink into despair.

I've made several suicide attempts when not on them.

My GP is very happy for me to stay on them now, and so am I. I feel more confident and cheerful, although I do still have terrible meltdowns occasionally.

I've never found melatonin helpful for sleep. But with mirtazapine, I sleep fairly well.

NeedAnUpgrade · 25/01/2024 14:03

Hi, have just read through this thread but not the previous ones. Can I join?

I’m not diagnosed, just going through the process of getting my DD assessed and so many things started to fall in place for me. Getting my DD to this stage, assessment is in March, has been so draining I’m not sure I’ll have the energy to go through it for myself.

RainbowZebraWarrior · 25/01/2024 15:03

Hi @NeedAnUpgrade and welcome. It's exhausting but worthwhile I think, in the end. DD and I were diagnosed 6 months apart aged 51 and 11.

TheShellBeach · 25/01/2024 18:03

Hello@NeedAnUpgrade and welcome!

catmomof3 · 25/01/2024 18:21

Got a call today to tell me I will have to wait an extra week or so for my diagnostic report as they are still going over my assessment. The turn around is 4 weeks so I'm stressed why mine is taking longer. I guess I don't have to keep refreshing my email next week now.

ThreeBeanChilli · 26/01/2024 05:42

I slept SO well on mirtazapine but it made me put on so much weight (I'm morbidly obese now) I've come off and sleep is hard again. I've got another friend on them and she's ever so slim so I know it doesn't happen to everyone!

I am pretty sure I'm autistic but for years assumed adhd. It's confusing as I'd ruled out autism in my head even though it had been suggested to me (not by medical people) as my house isn't ordered and I can't stick to routines .. even though I work better with them!

I want to go for diagnosis for both adhd and autism and know from threads like these I likely fit both BUT how do you not get ruled out ie in the autism assessment if you say you're impulsive and get bored easily and the house is chaos won't that rule out the diagnosis.

And all the other things on that chart above. Ie won't they look at the bits that "don't fit"?

ChaoticBag · 26/01/2024 08:46

@ThreeBeanChilli yes I wonder about this too! I have the ADHD diagnosis but I also know I have ASD traits at the very least. My house is messy too and I hate routine but I really really need it and love it when the house is clean and orderly. It makes my brain feel calm and tidy too 😂
But it's almost impossible to achieve and/or maintain.

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