Teenage DD relationship - setting boundaries

[Chiccachorizo]

DD15 is in her first relationship (very new - prob 6 weeks or so) with another girl. Found out yesterday although have suspected for a while that theyre more than just friends.

All cool - she talked to me when she was about 11, explaining she thinks she's bisexual (although thus far, has shown no interest in boys). I am v supportive with regards to her working out who she is and what she likes - no issues although i have asked her to stay open minded and not to pigeonhole herself at such a young age, as im aware many of her friends also identify as gay/bi/trans/pan, which i feel is probably a bit of a trendy thing to do in some cases (not all)

The girl shes seeing however, apparently identifies as a boy in secret (DD uses the boy name and pronouns) however DH and i are not allowed to, and are to call her by her girl name when we see her. (Apparently, the girl's parents either dont know or dont approve of her identity aspirations - not sure which)

She spent the day with the GF (BF? Im not sure!) yesterday and then asked (putting me on the spot a bit) if she could stay at ours overnight.

I said yes, but whispered to my daughter out of earshot of GF, that if her friend was sleeping over, i needed to know the relationship status - this was when my DD confirmed they were seeing each other.

I then talked to them both in the car on the way home from town, saying (very nonchalantly, i hoped, as theyre shy and giggly about things - probably mortified my Dd though!), that they would not be sleeping in the same room.

This came as a surprise to my DD, as she always has her friends in her room including her male best friend who happens to be (super) gay, bless him!

So i just wanted to get opinions on whether ive taken the right approach? The difference here is that it has the potential (if not already) to become a sexual relationship and theyre obvs underage, so its not like a normal sleepover where they all bundle into one room.

DD not impressed, but its my house, my rules right? (And frankly DH is having a harder time getting his head round the situation, so he would be even more uncomfortable than me re alternative sleeping arrangements.)

The other part of this is that neither of us are keen on the GF - shes quite surly and doesn't talk much, so we dont know her well, although that could justvbe shyness, but i wouldnt say this to my DD, as i want her to keep communicating with me - we're very close. I'm also worried that DD will be drawn into whatever psychological issues GF has regarding gender, which, whilst it wouldn't be the end of the world, feels like a heavy emotional load for my DD to potentially bear, although I realise I can't (and wouldn't try to) control her relationships.

Has anyone ever been in a similar situatiin? How did you handle boundaries and ground rules, and do you have any tips? Do i sound like a dick?

That was long - sorry!

For me, it’s your house, your rules. And the fact they are 15.

Having the risk of pregnancy out of the mix would make me feel slightly less concerned but the biggest issue would be whether they’re ready for a intimate relationship. Sharing a room may put more pressure on one or both of them before they’re ready.

Also, has all the groundwork been out in place re: consent and boundaries? So they understand it applies to same sex relationships?

Having said that, if they want to be intimate, they will find a way.

I think you've done the right thing OP and I would stick to your plan. I think 15yo is too young to have a gf or bf to sleep over in the same room, whatever their sexuality or gender identity. I have teens btw.

I think you're doing the right thing- I had the same rule when my son was a younger teen, no sleepovers with romantic partners. First aporoved 'sleepover' with a girlfriend was when he was 18, though he had male and female 'just friends' for joint sleepovers after nights out before that, as we live nearer the town centre.

Obviously stuff can happen at other times of the day, and I was at work during the day so it may well have.

I'll get flamed here as we (and her parents, it was her house) let our eldest share a room with his GF at that age, though they'd already had sex by then. If they're going to do stuff, they will find a way. They had actually been way more sensible than I was at that age and had discussed sex long before they did it and made sure they had condoms (rather than sex just happening like it seemed to when we were that age!). I'd told him I didn't think he was ready and would rather they waited, but at the end of the day if they're going to do it at least be safe. They were.

Upside was, he came to me with contraception questions and relationship worries and I always knew what was going on. They both went to the GP together when she went to get an implant.
His current girlfriend (17 now) came to me when she'd missed a pill, because she didn't feel able to tell her mum and DS had told her to talk to me (and it's actually part of my job so I know what I'm talking about!).

Same with 16yo DS, though his girlfriend's parents had not allowed them to share a room they still managed to have sex (at her house) and I least I knew about it because he felt able to tell me.

I'll get flamed for 'trying to be a cool parent' but it's more that I'm a nurse and I work in contraception and am used to talking to teens about sex. Many of you will have no idea how sexually active your teenagers are and how much sex they have has very little to do with whether you 'allow it' or not.

Back to the OP though, I do get your concerns especially the identity thing as it does add extra complexity (DS1's first GF mentioned above was actually identifying as a boy for most of their relationship) but you have to kind of ignore that bit aside from the upside that no one is getting pregnant! Be open with them and let them be open with you. That doesn't mean you have to let them share a room in your home. You can have boundaries and explain why you have them without it pushing them away, but it's always a difficult line to tread with teenagers and we will never get it right every time.

Any girl that's identified as a boy has been unwelcome to sleep over here. Same with other parents in the group. Partake in silly trends, suffer the consequences.
We seem to be out the other side of this nonsense now at just turned 16. 7 out of 10 girls 'identified' as all sorts of things other than female in the last few years. 10 out of 10 now firmly identify as female.

I think you are doing the right thing OP. Because the relationship is romantic you need to approach it as you would an opposite sex situation if your daughter was straight. No way would I let my straight 15yr old DS have a girlfriend over in the same room.

Some great advice there - thank you all.

Absolutely unchartered territory for me, so just really want to handle it sensitively but sensibly, as DD is also quite a young 15 in both age and mindset. Glad the general consensus is that I'm not being a dragon!

I must admit I was pretty liberal with mine but it was 16 before they shared their room, both of mine are straight though so easier to police in a way, also we had a spare room

I think you've been sensible and I'd be doing my utmost to steer her away from this friend of hers.

I think you’ve done the right thing & establishing a “romantic partner” rule actually feels very inclusive & makes clear that consent & boundaries matter whatever a partner’s gender or sexuality

I agree (my gay son had the same rules). Might be worth checking with her parents that they know about the sleepover and casually mention the spare room.

Yep the right thing done here. Easier to just have a blanket "all guests sleep in the guest room" rule until at least 18.

Do you have any younger children, ie are you setting a family precedent for more than one child?

I think a general house rule that ‘romantic partners sleep in separate rooms until the age of consent’ is perfectly reasonable. The tricky part comes with on/off relationships- DD has had a friend that became GF and then back to just friends again. So I’m sure how that would work.

Kudos to you! You're handling this with great sensitivity, pragmatisms and openness! I'd say keep on doing what you're doing and above all else (which you're not doing anyway by the sounds of it) is don't let her think it's all a big phase which she'll get over eventually (she will), because that would give a teen a fantastic green light to be 'woe is me - my parents don't understand me' and drive her further away from your closeness / maintaining open lines of communication with you. The GF/BF is going to become rather tedious at some point I imagine, I know teens are still learning / growing etc but things like this soon become less exciting as time goes by.

And have the usual talk about safe sex even if BF is a GF etc etc, and healthy emotional balances in relationships and so forth. I think your approach thus far is great so don't bend if she tries to push the boundaries a bit to see what you'd do/say.

I would treat the situation the exact same as you'd do if it was a male partner. I definitely wouldn't allow any sleepovers in the same room with a partner (especially a very new one) at age 15. I think you've made the right choice