I posted here before Christmas as myself and my partner announced a much wanted pregnancy to my family. We had to undergo IVF and were over the moon to finally see the BFP. Due to obvious reasons we never told anyone outside of two very close friends about our IVF experience.
I have always had a difficult relationship with my mother, she has been abusive and emotionally neglectful all my life, as well as angry, critical and manipulative. She really likes my partner and on some level she must know her behaviour towards me has been wrong as she is a lot more positive and kinder since I met him. (Maybe she doesn’t want to let herself down to someone outside our close family- I’m not sure). When I told her and my dad of our pregnancy news my dad said nothing and she said “I hope it all works out for you”.
I am now 18 weeks pregnant and she has not mentioned the pregnancy or how I am feeling once. Myself and my partner have found this hurtful as she is constantly telling us useless pieces of information about neighbours/locals and I’m thinking how can you care so much about them and not even bother to ask how your own daughter is doing. I think emotionally in a lot of ways I have detached from her and am conscious that I now have to put my own family first but this still hurts. My counsellor mentioned that when the baby is born my mother could turn the other extreme and constantly be calling to my house to see the baby and overstepping boundaries and the more I think about it the more it could be the case as it’s either one extreme or the other with her.
The other issue is with my sister in law who while a nice person can be very patronising and a know it all. For example I mentioned that early in my pregnancy I had gone off some types of meat and straight away she said I needed reflexology as she does it and it’s great for dietary issues. She has also alluded to the possibility of our pregnancy being a “shock/unexpected” about five times and has said to me “when you get over the shock and see a bump it will be much easier”. I corrected her on this and while she didn’t argue I could see the anger on her face. She has very definite views on everything r.e childminding, care of babies, and her way is the only way and she can never be wrong. She questioned why a cousin of one was bringing her baby to baby sensory classes as there is nothing proven about their effectiveness and is just generally extremely opinionated on everything.
I think from a life of dealing with my mother and her abuse I lack the confidence/ability to stand up for myself and I have developed anxiety about motherhood due to this. I feel if the baby is cross/not sleeping or anything other than a n “easy” baby that my mother will be a bit like “told you so” or will question my ability as a mother.
Then I feel like my sister in law who has no children of her own will be her usual know it all and be saying “you need to do this” or “you must do that”. My partner has agreed with me when I told him this and can feel I am already stressing about them telling me I am doing everything wrong.
In reality I know we will be ok as parents as our relationship is very solid but I just feel in the last few weeks I’m not sleeping great and I have nights where I’m upset over my mothers lack of interest/care and then get worried over both of them overstepping the mark at what will be a vulnerable time and no doubt emotional.Has anybody ever had similar feelings/experience and any advice? I have no idea how to stand up to my sister in law without being argumentative and as I am not that sort of person it’s something I feel I need to improve on but since it doesn’t come naturally to me I don’t know where to start.