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Original poster

Mixed emotions 😔

26 replies

Lottielou01 · 05/01/2024 20:26

Hi.

This is my first time posting, so please bare with me.

I've been with partner now for 2 years, after being together for just shy of 3 months, he told me his ex partner is expecting (due any time now - 2 weeks until her due date) the little one is now obvious here.

I was so in love with him, I decided to support him in whichever way(s) needed.

He now has his daughter alternate weekends at my house, as he hasn't got his own place. I feel like I have got major cold feet and alot of resentment to him and his little girl.

I haven't got my own children as yet but we have had the conversation about trying etc.

So do I stay or walk away?
Really confused and lost at the moment.

Lottie x

OP posts:
Faceache45 · 05/01/2024 20:29

What are your reservations? Why do you have resentment? Where is he living?

Original poster
Lottielou01 · 05/01/2024 20:32

I think it's due to us having so many conversations about starting a family when we first met and he promised me the world. Then 4 months into our relationship he told.me his ex is expecting. I'm longing to have my own children aswell. He's currently living at mine full time and his daughter is here every other weekend.

OP posts:
Faceache45 · 05/01/2024 20:39

Did he know?

Does he pay his way or is he a cocklodger? Who does the care while his kid is at yours?

Interested in this thread?

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Relationship problems
Testina · 05/01/2024 20:40

It’s hard to say this without it feeling like I’m twisting the knife, but… it sounds rather convenient that you are housing him and his child.

So it sounds like he dated you for several months with a pregnant ex that he presumably knew about, and only told you about it when he had to (because the baby was about to appear). That’s a pretty shitty thing to do, as a base for a relationship.

How quickly did he move in with you?

I suggest you stop thinking about how much you want a baby (because of course you think it’s easier when you already have a potential father in your life) and think really objectively about what you’re getting from this relationship now, and how happy you are. Are you really only unhappy because he hasn’t said he wants a baby now? Or has the relationship actually run its course and you’re not ready to admit that to yourself yet?

Testina · 05/01/2024 20:42

Hard not to think that all the promises about starting a family were sounding you out for likelihood of sticking it out when you found out there was already a baby involved.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/01/2024 20:43

How did he end up living with you? Did he have his own place and you decided together that you wanted to move in? Or was it more he gradually moved in and needed a place so you were convenient.

Popular MN phrase, "no one falls in love as quickly as a man who needs a place to live".

I'm really sorry but the only way you'll know is the hard way, suggesting he finds his own place.

HappyNewYears · 05/01/2024 20:43

If you are going to have children with this man then you need to be sure he will be a fantastic parent. Do you trust him to look after you in late pregnancy and when you have just given birth? Is he the sort of man who will be up in the night caring for a baby and then off to work the next day without complaint. Or is he someone who lives with you because he doesn’t have any money or motivation in life?

MinnieCauldwell · 05/01/2024 20:44

No one falls in love quicker than a man who needs somewhere to live, I know from bitter experience.
He doesn'tcome accross as trustworthy or a good bet to be starting a family with.

I hope you are not being used for care for his baby?

Faceache45 · 05/01/2024 20:46

Honestly, I wouldn't want a kid with a man who sees his current child fortnightly. It would give me the ick.

Many moons ago I was a step mum and its bloody hard. I wouldn't do it again. You have all the responsibility but non of the say.

Original poster
Lottielou01 · 05/01/2024 20:52

Thank you for your honest words.

I have my own place, 2 months before I met him and he hadn't long split from his ex and was staying at family member's house.

I know, I've suggested that In a round about way. Suggested him having his daughter else where but he's completely ignored my wishes and has got her tonight and tomorrow.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lottielou01 · 05/01/2024 20:54

I know the truth deep down and I've heard it from my friends too! I'm not a needy or high maintenance person at all but he doesn't really bring much to the table in terms of house work chores etc. We're both working full time.

I was completely swept of my feet when I first met him, he was everything I was looking for and then he dropped his bombshell.

OP posts:
Faceache45 · 05/01/2024 20:57

@Lottielou01 he love bombed you.

Original poster
Lottielou01 · 05/01/2024 20:59

Thank you for your honest words.

He moved into my place pretty much straight away (within a month of meeting)

He's reason to why he didn't tell me about his unborn child is because he didn't want to lose me. The relationship was still healthy and happy until about 6 months or so ago. Any time I mention my struggles of forgiving and moving on with our new life (his daughter included) he just doesn't get it at all. Just asks why and how I can't be happy that I'll be a step mum and his daughter would have this amazing bond with me.

Maybe the relationship has just run stale and I'm scared of letting go. My previous relationship lasted 8 years. So I really don't want to waste time, worrying and wondering. I'm 32 years old

OP posts:
Original poster
Lottielou01 · 05/01/2024 21:00

I've heard this saying a few times aswell 😔 again from friends.

OP posts:
Testina · 05/01/2024 21:02

“he doesn't really bring much to the table in terms of house work chores etc.”

This isn’t just about specific tasks, but attitude. He simply won’t ever become a different person. Only 2 years in when you’re his housing meal ticket (and even if it was genuine love, you’re still a housing meal ticket) and he is complacent enough / doesn’t care enough about you to even pull his weight. Once you’re “trapped” (because it really is harder to leave once you’ve had a child - emotionally even if finances aren’t a problem) he’s hardly going to make more effort, is he?

Be careful, because it sounds like you’re ready to move on - and he may well decide that (a) he’s stuck with a child anyway and (b) once you have one you’ll naturally take both over so on balance, to keep the stepmother and home he may as well agree to a baby for you.

It would be a mistake 😔

EmmaEmerald · 05/01/2024 21:04

So he neglected to say that his ex was pregnant when you got together?
And knowing this, you allowed him to move in?

Or did he drop the bomb after moving in?

Either way, he sounds like a terrible person. If I have the timing right, he knew full well his ex was pregnant.

Is that maybe why he left?

don't walk away - RUN.

Testina · 05/01/2024 21:05

“He's reason to why he didn't tell me about his unborn child is because he didn't want to lose me”

That’s true.
But you’re supposed to think, “because he loved me so much” when it’s more likely the rest of the sentence goes, “because he’s selfish.”

Testina · 05/01/2024 21:09

@EmmaEmerald “Or did he drop the bomb after moving in?”

He moved in after one month. No shade on the OP - we’ve many of us been in that first flush and thought what the hell, go with it.

Then 2 months after moving in he told her - but only when the baby was actually due so he couldn’t hide it.

During this time he loved bombed OP about the babies they’d have.

@Lottielou01 even if you forgive someone for not mentioning they’re about to have a child in the first month of dating… you can’t justify someone allowing you to take it to the level of moving in, without telling you. Quite apart from the emotional dishonesty, once he he moved in with you, he was always going to one day have his child in your home too. Without actually asking.

Faceache45 · 05/01/2024 21:10

Just end it. Walk away and find someone who's honest. Also, find someone who's your equal and a partner in every way. Trust me you don't want someone who's living off of you. I'm not talking about just money. I'm talking about energy and time.

Original poster
Lottielou01 · 05/01/2024 21:11

Yeahh he 100% knew.

So we met in the Dec 21 and movedin weeks after meeting. His ex was due in April 22 and he dropped his news March 22. So literal 2 - 4 weeks until she was due..

I said to him, it was love at first sight for me to him and he said the same! But as time has gone on things have definitely changed.

Thanks again 😊

OP posts:
EmmaEmerald · 05/01/2024 21:17

Looking at that timing, it's probably why he left her.

Please don't let anyone else move in in within a month!

Testina · 05/01/2024 21:17

“I said to him, it was love at first sight for me to him and he said the same! But as time has gone on things have definitely changed.”

I think he was a love bombing manipulative shit who took advantage of you and especially your housing situation. I think that because he lied to you about his impending fatherhood, and doesn’t pull his weight now.

But…

Even if it really was love at first sight for both of you, and he’d have tried to win you even if you lived with your parents… sometimes, a relationship has just run its course. We think this is amazing, and it’s fun while it lasts - but then we realise it’s not enough. You don’t even have to think about whether you could forgive his lies, or whether he could change his domestic laziness (he won’t 😉). Shortcut any begging or false promises - sometimes, it turns out not to be a long lasting relationship.

At 32, you are plenty young enough to meet someone and have a family (or go it alone). Waste just a couple more years on him… and it really won’t be so easy.

Original poster
Lottielou01 · 05/01/2024 21:22

I didn't think about it like that.. I do wonder if I was still living at home would he of put the same amount of effort in.

i do question his true reasons why he's with me and if he loves me as much as he claims he would be treating me the same way he did 2 years ago! Aswell as the occasional cooking and cleaning (someone out there must cook and clean!! 50/50 of course)

Yeah, very true. Some relationships out run their course. I don't like to walk away or give up on things, as I'll be living with what ifs.... but life is to short.

Thanks again.

OP posts:
TheSlantedOwl · 05/01/2024 21:25

Ugh dump him.

Testina · 05/01/2024 21:30

I don't like to walk away or give up on things

It’s really worth exploring that sometime. At some point you’ve taken on a message that it’s good to never give up. But you know, everything in moderation. You know other people take on the message that they should never put up with crap.

”I don’t like to walk away”
”I always know when to stop wasting my valuable time”

“I don’t give up on things“
”I’m good at knowing when to stop investing”

There are other positive messages available 😀