Are a lot of people in sexless relationships/marriages?

[Peckhaminn]

Recently ended it with my DP due to a sexless relationship.

Speaking to a lot of our mutual friends some married, some not; have confirmed they have little, to no sex. Sometimes only twice a month and they are as happy as can be. However, some of them have sex all the time like rabbits.

It's making me question where this is common as I keep getting mixed responses.

I am due to health reasons (mine). 30 year relationship- not what we wanted but DP is just happy i am still alive. Prior to that (late 40s, once or twice a week).

Some definitely will be. Some won't. It's a personal thing - some people are happy with no sex; some get happy with that as they get older, some could never be happy.

If you're unhappy at the lack of sex, you did the right thing to leave, even if someone else wouldn't make the same decision.

Yes. I can’t afford to leave unfortunately. I convince myself we get along ok (which we do) but dream of leaving. Not sure if it’s a case of the grass is greener. He’s not a bad person.

No sex for 12 years , due to his health issues. I always had a low sex drive so I'm fine with it. He's a lovely man and I would never look elsewhere.

Sex has never been great, in my marriage.
Sometimes him. Sometimes me. It’s rare now.

Your question seems to be, are some people in relationships where they have loads of sex, and some in relationships where they don’t?

Well, obviously this is the case.

If the low end of your circle is twice a month, I think your friends are either not that old or lying.

There are certainly enough people in no/ low sex marriages to keep several married people ‘dating sites’ in business.

Menopause destroyed my libido. i'm 62 now.

I probably have sex once or twice a year. For me it's something I avoid as much as I can as I absolutely hate it. I know that's on a very extreme end of the scale and I'd be very shocked to hear that others were the same.

I think in my circles a couple of times a month is probably average, a mix of lifestyles getting in the way (young kids mostly) and a couple of my friends have said they just don't want to do it more than that.

What's normal is so subjective and you can only really say what's normal for you. If you want a relationship with more sex and the lack of sex was a deal breaker then you've done the right thing by breaking up.

My cycle and hormones play a huge role in when I want to have sex.

Day 1-7, we will have sex 4/5 times.
Day 8-14, we will have sex 1/2 times.
Day 15-21, we may have sex once.
Day 22-28, I absolutely hate my DH and I desperately want a divorce.

I wouldn’t call once every 2 weeks ‘sexless’ tbh. We have sex that much and both very happy, just busy lives with small children. I don’t think it matters how much you do it, as long as both parties are content with the amount and the other intimacy / affection in the relationship

I think you will get a variety of responses here op as relationships vary so much and are a law unto themselves, but generally, if you listen to various podcasts there seem to be quite a few young people in sexless relationships too, as well in as the long married and coupled up.

Whether this is down to contraceptive pill hormones in the water supply, increased porn use , or poor nutrition, women who are stressed out by working ft AND carrying the majority of the domestic and parenting load, a general lethargy that has descended post-Covid, I don’t know, but I do think that an additional cause is that so many men fail to understand the basics of sex.

The following are generalisations of course but:

~the fact that most women take on average 15 to 20 minutes to warm up to it properly, rather than a man’s much quicker sexual response.

~ The fact that there isn’t proper sex education in the uk.

~ The fact that so many men don’t wait for a woman to orgasm first.

~ The fact that sex is depicted in so many male directed films and porn as primarily involving piv orgasm when it simply doesn’t happen that often for very many women.

~ The fact that women respond mentally as well as physically and often need to feel safe and be in a good communicative relationship to fully enjoy sex (not always of course but communication is key)

There is such terrible ignorance surrounding these basic facts in the male population, and women are so conditioned to go along with these prevailing masculine myths and worship of the penis etc, that I think sex for many women becomes a chore not a pleasure.

Of course many people are! For so many reasons.

Why do you think so much cheating happens? Often cheating be it a one night stand or full blown affairs are down to sex, just sex. If someone wants sex, craves it and the other party of that relationship doesn’t want it many will seek it elsewhere.

Many people stay in relationships they don’t want for example they “stay for the children “ the number of couples I know that split up the second the dc leave school, go to uni is crazy. Would you want to have sex with someone that you don’t really want to be with?

Women can be left with issues after birth that make sex difficult.
Men can suffer with ED problems, often as they age.

Personally in my marriage we have sex 1-2 times a week, but I do have friends who haven’t had sex in years!

This!!!!
If all these issues were addressed given that many woman can have multiple orgasms I think we would see women with much higher sex drives than they themselves realise. Much higher than men. Men are conditioned and socialised to equate masculinity with a high sex drive. When I don't actually think they do have a 'naturally' higher sex drive. In many ways lots of men feel they have been conditioned to have only few emotions' angry, indifferent or horny 🤮

We are sexually repressed. It's no wonder with the majority of immature entitled men I see in real life.
I wonder what response you would of got op if you asked a follow up question on their individual desires or masturbation frequency?

@Peckhaminn I strongly suspect people who don't have sex regularly don't talk about it as much as people who do. I also think the media perpetuates a myth that everyone in the world is having lots of sex and, if they're not, they must be unhappy. That's obviously not true. I would bet money on the fact that most long marriages become sexless sooner or later, but they still survive on companionship, love, trust and a shared history.

Whether this is down to contraceptive pill hormones in the water supply, increased porn use , or poor nutrition, women who are stressed out by working ft AND carrying the majority of the domestic and parenting load, a general lethargy that has descended post-Covid, I don’t know, but I do think that an additional cause is that so many men fail to understand the basics of sex.

I don't think it's "due" to any of these things. I think it's due to evolution - our hormones are raging the most when our bodies are young, because that's what helps us to produce healthy babies. People may want to believe it's "natural" to need sex at any age, but that's related to cultural conditioning not biology.

This

I disagree. Many women who are peri menopausal or post-menopausal experience a surge in libido and I know that my friends and I who have teen or adult children, now have a lot more time and energy to devote to our other halves, have sex, and many of us feel much more like it now the children are out of the house, we have stopped full time work and stopped taking oral contraceptives.

Yes of course we are designed to be randy when young and women have age limited fertility, but I don’t think this is all about age tbh as men wouldn’t be able to reproduce well in to their eighties if this was exclusively the case.

Also, many women develop much more self confidence when older which is key to a fulfilling sex life. I think sex in your forties and fifties can be much more fulfilling and enjoyable than sex in your twenties, particularly as many men can last longer when they’re older.

Many women who are peri menopausal or post-menopausal experience a surge in libido

And many don't! Some of them are happy with that, and some aren't. Either is fine, but it's not fine for people to feel like they "should" want sex just because others do. The media conditions us to look down on people who don't have much sex.

Yes absolutely, of course some women don't, I’d go as far as saying many women don’t.

Ime it’s fine when both people in the relationship discuss it, agree upon it, and communicate openly about it and they are both in agreement about how much, or how little, sex they have.

But what often happens if that either one, or both members of a couple don’t talk about it and either one is dissatisfied or unhappy or both are. Or one or both are left feeling a bit bewildered or lonely.

The grass isn't always greener

I’ve never been that fussed and glad he now doesn’t push for it. Not sure how he satisfies himself, j just don’t go there. I now only have one boob due to mastectomy so pleased I have somewhat of a reason not to go there.
We rub along fine and he doesn’t want to leave. I’d understand if it was a dealbreaker for him.

It's impossible to know really, I think even if you ask people directly they might not tell the truth.

I think probably a lot of people in a 15+ year relationship will be having sex less and less. When you're into decades with the same person, that's a hell of a lot of the same thing with the same person when it's something that relies on excitement

A friend of mine told me her and her husband haven't had sex in 5 years (mid 30s no kids.)

It's different for everyone.

Twice a month isn't a sexless marriage surely

For decades we had a great sex life.
He then had ED and other health issues,my libido disappeared in menopause.
He became resentful so now it's a pretty much sexless life for us.
Tbh in 38 yrs I've had my share.