Trying to make the best of a shit situation then accused of engineering that very situation??!!

[Criticalfamily]

So SO upset.

My youngest dc has SEN and some other issues meaning she has a long dla award and I’m her carer. I used to work but gave up, wasn’t what I wanted but after an initial period of feeling sad I pulled my big girl pants up and thought ‘I’ll make the best of it’ . Family were supportive while I was 24/7 caring but now she has a place at a SEN nursery resentment has crept it - ‘why don’t you get a PT job’ etc at first . Over Xmas more questioning I said how I’m trying to make the best of it and seeing myself as a sahm not a carer (as that just makes me sad) to be told ‘I’m not the only one who thinks this - people are wondering if you’ve just exaggerated so that you don’t have to work anymore’
That couldn’t be further from the truth

I was just trying to make the best of it

I’d have struggled not to tell them to fuck off tbh, how unbelievably rude of someone to have suggested you’d exaggerated your daughters needs!

I’m so sorry you’ve had this said to you, they’re completely out of order.

The nasty comments I received, whilst being a sahm, horrendous. Why anyone thinks judging people and trying to make them feel guilty for a decision that they have made is beyond me. It also makes you wonder how much people are talking about you behind your back, it really messed with my mental health.

You need the time while she is at nursery to emotionally recharge to be able to be a carer. Have any of them ever cared for her for even a short time.

I feel like if I was constantly telling them how hard it is and calling myself a career I’d get told I was ‘complaining’ so because I’ve struggled I’ve tried to make the best of it, see the positives but now that has caused me to be criticised I can’t win

It's none of their business. Next time they start just change the subject and don't engage.

'Fuck off' IS the only perfect response here.
They have no idea.
And no idea how the rest of your child's school years will (most likely) be spent fighting to get her needs met, fighting for NHS services, for Physio, or OT or speech Therapy.
School will call you to pick her up if she's slightlyt unwell.Part time jobs that fit school hours are either as rare as rocking horse poo or are very very badly paid.

Ask me how I know....
My son was in Special School from aged 3. I ended up as a TA in his school..and am still there many years later because it was literally the only job that I could fit round his needs.
Now he's an adult and I am back to being only part time supply there.. as since leaving school I am needed JUST as much.. who else is going to get him to appointments, advocate for his needs, his meds, be there for him?
Life on carer's allowance and the tiny amount you are allowed to earn is a joke, and anyone who thinks otherwise has no idea.

Be blunt if needed, or just ignore.

its toxic family dynamics is what it is.
People need to but out and let you get on with your life. I have similar family dynamics with people thinking they can tell me how to live my life. I wish I’d been more assertive when I was younger . I thought I’d been keeping the peace by saying nothing, I was just storing up problems for the future.

it is a very brave thing to do to tell family that they are out of line. They will turn it around on you- all I can tell you is that sucking it up and saying nothing doesn’t work either. Do what is best for you and your family. Whatever you do don’t put any store in their opinion. (I have managed to ignore their opinions even if I haven’t stuck up for myself.

Ignore. Im much the same. My son is 3 and is disabled and possible autistic. I gave up work after he was born as he couldnt manage in childminder etc and im a single parent to him and his big bro. He started a few hours a week at nursery at 18 months and now goes 5 days 9-2. I went back to work in july (from home) basically every minute hes there. I gave up again end November. The extra money was great as was having adult contact but i was exhausted mentally and physically . Plus it means i have no time to shop without him or get to my appointments (dentist etc). It was getting so hard to fit in all his appts too and when he had seizures qt nursery i was having to leave work at short notice. And was dropping the ball with his physio etc. In short i was failing at everything. Something had to give and work was only option

So now im back living on benefits/disability and i hate it. But its right for us just now.

You shouldnt be made to feel like your in the wrong for wanting to be a sahm your still a carer you still look after your dc when they are at home whilst they are out you will more than likely keeping up with the chores making sure dc has clean clothes, food and a safe environment to live plus you also need downtime as SEN children and adults can be challenging and hard work yes it is still rewarding when they give you cuddles and show you it is worth it, i have 5 children 2 of which are also SEN the youngest of the 2 has also had cancer my hubby has social anxity disorder and OCD so he does the housework and i look after the kids he does chip in with kids by taking them for a little walk but i havemt had a break in 8 years so i know its hard. YOU ENJOY YOUR FREE TIME YOUR WAY.

OP I get it. I'm a sahm BUT one of my DC has autism so while they are currently doing amazingly at school they really need to relax and recharge when they get home (they literally strip off as soon as soon as they get home) a lot of the reason they are doing so well is because I'm at home with a consistent routine each day mornings and afternoons. And that's what people don't see. They just see a child who seems to be no bother at all. I also have two other DC so with one in preschool one child in a special class in a school across town and my eldest in our local primary I have three children in three different schools with three different start and finish times . So it's easy for people to say "get a job" but where would I find childcare that works for me. I'm lucky DH is a high earner so we can afford for me not to be able to work but by god you'd need a thick skin sometimes reading the sahm posts on here.

Ignore. No ones business but yours.

New year, new start. What is it that you want to do?

No advice other than to rise above it and know that you're doing exactly what you need to do.
It's so difficult isn't it 😫

My sen ds is in a sen provision and most people don't realise that there is no after school / breakfast clubs and finding a job between those school hours is rare my son also gets transport so gets picked up and dropped off, that really really annoys people especially that I have a car parked outside when he's pocked up and dropped off and I'm then home apparently just living my best life off DLA cos apparently its thousands and my son doesnt actually need it, I'm exaggerating when I say he gets every penny of his money. Also I have to be at home or someone in my house for him to be dropped off its only to our home nowhere else and he can not cope with people being in our house and not to mention that yes he may be gone 9-3 Mon - Fri but the amount of times that nursery call me or need me to get him is alot not to mention allllll of the appointments all the time.

You just do you, keep doing your best and let it go over your head, or tell them to eff off.

Only you know what to do and we feel sad enough and lonely enough without other people putting us down for doing what we have to for our little people. It's hard and you'll never 100% be able to just ignore it but just remember what it means to your ds to have her mum there always she may not know or realise or let you know that she understands but she does and it's her constant and our babies need that

He is only in school a few hours a day , Mon - Fri , how many weeks in the year. What do they expect to happen the rest of the time ? He can hardly go to childcare . Let them come see what your average week is like before they make any stupid comments . And who are these anonymous people with nothing better to do than comment on your life. Maybe they need to work more hours to occupy their time.

I’d reply to such comments:

“I break myself caring for my disabled child - are you a psychopath begrudging me a tiny bit of government help? Go fuck yourself you evil cunt”