Neurodivergent parent growing up

[Tiredboymum22]

Sorry, second post today but I’m processing stuff and can’t afford a therapist 😂

Did anyone grow up with neurodivergent parents? What was it like for you? My mum took amazing care of us and we still have a great relationship but my childhood was unusual and I’m struggling to understand some of her choices.

I’ve suspected ASD for a while.

Anyone else?

Do you mind me asking how your childhood was unusual?

My dad is autistic as am I. My mum definitely has traits. Our life was very anti social, as neither really had friends. We always did things as a family though. I can’t compare to an NT family as I don’t know what that experience is like. In what ways was yours unusual?

I get my ADHD from the maternal line. I’m diagnosed, as is her brother and both his kids. She isn’t, but let’s just say I’m the apple that didn’t exactly fall far from the tree.

She was a fabulous mum when we were little. Genuinely fab. Although sometimes I would have to beg her to put down her hobby cos it was three pm and we wanted lunch 😅 My memories are lovely. However I do think my NT and “stickler for the rules” dad’s boundaries helped enormously in keeping her ADHD and the family unit’s well-being on the rails. We got the upside of her spontaneity and creatively, while he ensured that it didn’t take over the day to day smooth(ish) running of life’s rhythm.

She coped less well during the separation from our dad. Understandably so. Unfortunately what was never going to be a smooth path was exacerbated by an issue with impulse control. Things spiralled. One moment of temptation, poorly resisted and she accidentally broke me, and any hope any of us would come through the split with the minimum possible damage.

I forgave her years ago. Without trying, it just came. However I’ve been unable to have her in my life for the last 2 decades. Because she’ll bring the “break me” moment up again, I think in part because she feels guilty and wants to reviving it to make the lie a truth that will never be questioned. I couldn’t do it anymore.

I feel for her. It was one moment of madness in horrendous circumstances. But I can’t push that genie back in the bottle for her, and she’s never recovered from the divorce enough to think about working through some of the things said and done.

I love her, always have, always will. ADHD and all.

My mum is autistic and was a single parent so all I had. She did her best but parts of my childhood were miserable, especially the older I got and was exposed to more "normal" families. It took me until my 20s to understand that it wasn't her fault and now we have a great relationship, but she really shouldn't have had children.

My dad - I now realise - had and has untreated ADHD - still manifestly apparent in his 80s. He was a lovely dad to me - very warm, fun and accepting - but my mum struggled with his level of chaos. It - particularly his impulsivity and poor money management - caused blazing rows and meant she had to work very hard to support us despite his being in a reasonably well paid profession.

@Serene135 a few examples that spring to mind…

When I had impetigo she wanted to heal it naturally and wouldn’t give me antibiotics. I was pretty much quarantined for three weeks and it spread all over my face. Eventually she had to send me back to school while my face was still full of crusty patches. She’d say things like it was my body’s way of detoxing itself (that’s not how impetigo works but I didn’t know that then 😂). I was pretty much alienated on my first day of a new school because they were worried I was contagious.

she went to a psychic or astrologer or something and then informed me, based on what they said, that my life won’t be easy and I’ll never be a superstar. Like what 10-year-old needs to hear that? Really?

Any ailments were attributed to me eating junk food at a party or something because she is borderline obsessed with food.

I struggled with basic things like remembering my PE kit, pencil case, getting ready for school on time. I’d get compared to my more organised friends despite the fact they came from very clean, organised homes. Plus I had undiagnosed ADHD. The house was always chaotic, noisy and I felt overwhelmed. I was told I just wasn’t a practical or organised person which I’ve carried into adulthood.

Sorry to hear things have been so difficult for you OP.
I've realised in the last few years that my dad had ADHD and most likely autism too. He had addictions and issues with emotional regulation and impulsivity. Very intelligent but couldn't hold a job down and died of alcoholicism and in debt. It's been healing to know this now in a way because I was angry at him for being a crap parent and not dealing with his addiction. He was probably just really struggling with life and self medicating. It's sad thinking that if it was know about and he'd had some help, then our lives could have been very different.

I have some autistic traits I need order, hate being late, need predictability, need a plan. My mum is undiagnosed ADHD and probs autistic too. I found it very difficult to relate to her. She struggles socially even thoughts she's an extrovert. Our house was a complete mish mash of furniture, nothing matched and each room had one or two purposes rather than your typical dining room or living room. It wasn't quite as bad as a hoarders house but getting very close as there was unorganized clutter everywhere.

In the kitchen nothing was ever put away, she had to have everything out so she could see it.

I would never broach the idea of her being ND with her as she is hyper sensitive to any criticism. She cries a lot. I don't think I've ever seen her and her not well up at least once.

I worry a lot about her care needs as she ages.