Did anyone have gentle parents?

[Tiredboymum22]

Gentle parenting and being child led seems to be all the rage right now on social media (mainly TikTok or Instagram), especially for children who are ND. And low demand parenting.

I have ADHD and I feel very much in the minority when I say I wish I had been made to do chores, had stricter boundaries, a tidier home growing up. I love my parents dearly but I feel I was sort of thrown in the lion’s den when I had my first job (as opposed to peers who were used to more responsibility). I didn’t have much work ethic and I felt like an idiot when it took me ages to make a bed, mop a floor, etc.

My brother’s autistic and has expressed similar sentiments. Every wish was accommodated for but he was never shown how to be independent. Even now, my mum constantly worries about him and he’s starting to grow resentful.

Just curious.

(My parents are wonderful people, by the way).

I would say I had gentle parents in that I was always listened to, respected and loved. I always knew my opinions were valid and considered, and my emotions were accepted and validated. However, alongside that came consistent boundaries and high expectations, alongside my actions having consequences.

That’s the bit I think is sometimes (often) missing when people talk about gentle parenting today, and where children end up struggling later on. Because the world is never, ever going to be arranged exactly for you. No-one can be happy and have all their desires met all the time. In the real world, the way we behave has consequences. And as parents, that’s what we need to support our dc with.

In short, I think true gentle parenting (which instills boundaries and consequences) is not what people are actually doing when they say they are gentle parenting ie just giving their dc everything they ask for.

I agree wholeheartedly with this.

People confuse gentle parenting and permissive parenting. A lot of people are permissive but saying they’re gentle, so gentle parenting gets a bad rep.

It is more accurately described by its true name: authoritative parenting (not to be confused with authoritarian parenting!).

True gentle parenting is all about being firm and consistant with boundaries, but understanding your children and respecting them. All feelings are valid, all behaviours are not.

Gentle parenting isn’t letting your child get away with everything or get whatever they want. That’s permissive parenting.

I had old fashioned parents. It wasn’t nice and I didn’t learn the skills you mention. I learned how to stay out of trouble.

I did gentle parenting, but with consequences and structure. My dc did their own washing, remembered their own PE kit and set their own expectations. They are self motivated because they weren’t working at school to please me but to learn new skills and become independent.

There’s nothing wrong with gentle parenting, but there’s a lot more to parenting than gentleness!

This is it. I’m trying to hold limits with kindness and love. Kids need routines and boundaries and chores ect… Giving kids their way all the time is not gentle parenting it’s permissive parenting.

Beautifully put @Familiaritybreedscontemptso.

Some people seem to mix up gentle parenting with never saying no and smoothing out every bump that comes up.

I would say I am a gentle parent- both kids ND but I’m not daft, my kids learn how to do stuff, they have chores and I have expectations. I may have to approach the requests differently and they sometimes need support but they know they are expected to participate. Gentle parenting isn’t about letting them do whatever they want whenever they want while I slavishly wait on them hand and foot. It’s about arming them with the skills and knowledge for adult life without threats, anger or fear. They help out because we’re a family and everyone ought to be involved in participating in keeping the house clean and dinner prepared.

eta: accidentally pressed send too soon.
my mother was the opposite of gentle and I came away completely unskilled at life and it took me a long time to learn how to do normal things.

I agree with the posts above and I think another problem with the gentle parenting trend is that it puts a huge social pressure on parents to always be calm, serene and not mean. Parents end up giving in and being permissive because they are so scared of being mean.

I have kids with autism and I would say I'm quite flexible and understanding, but I am also very clear about boundaries. I sometimes get looks and remarks when I state my boundaries or give consequences and I often feel judged - and I'm quite a thick skinned person so I'm not surprised other parents just give in.

The other day we went to someone 's house and I said "stop DS! Look at your shoes. They are muddy. I don't want to see mud on friends sofa. We need to take them off". DS buzzed around a bit while I repeated, then finally took his shoes off. Friend looked a bit shocked at how strict I was. But I think my approach is fair - what wouldn't be fair is it I said nothing then went mad when DS got mud on the sofa.

If only! I had very ungentle parents who doled out corporal punishment.

This was my childhood too and I’ve brought my dc up the same way.

Kids need love and boundaries..

I'd say mine were pretty gentle (especially for the 80s) as we were never hit, shamed or frightened. We were listened to and talked to etc.
They did have pretty firm boundaries though.