A few months ago a neighbour of mine died. She was an older woman in her late 70s. She was lovely friendly lady. Her family were grown and all around the world doing their own thing except for one son who remained at home. He was in his 50s. I will give him the initial A for this post. It's not his real initial.
Ever since the woman dies my mother has showed a huge abdunance of concern for the man and my mother has started conversations with me many times focusing on the man. Saying things like
- I can see that home now turn to rot
- I can see him turn to drink
- I wonder does he even know how to pay bills
- he wasn't allowed to do anything
- she did everything for him
The first few weeks after the woman died, I engaged in conversation with my mother but I realised that this was nearly turning into an obsession with my mother.
She would criticise the woman who died for babying her adult son and doing everything for him and my mother would even become angry. I realised that this isn't a normal, healthy response. I would change the subject and get busy and walk out from the room and not engage with my mother about her conversations on the neighbour. My mother is someone who I think should be focusing on herself and her own life instead of being concerned and worried about the neighbours.
The kicker in all of this, I had brothers living at home and my mother was exactly the same as that woman and if anything my mother was worse. At least the neighbour charged her son a 'housekeeping' charge of 50 pounds a week. My mother never even took 50p of any of my brothers and often getting into debt over bills because she allowed all of my brothers even as adults to live at home and not pay anything and she supported them in every way. She bought their food and cooked for them and did laundry and she did everything for my brothers.
I find it hypocritical how my mother is getting angry over a dead neighbour because she has a son in his 50s living at home and my mother has dreamt up a scenario where clearly the man can't do anything for himself and she's angry even though she is engaged in the very same behaviour.
I bit my tongue and I held back my words to my mother and I never pointed out the similarities.
I have a brother home from abroad on holidays for the Christmas. It's great to see him. She's doing everything for him. Cleaning his room every day and cooking for him. She's doing the very behaviours that she was critising our dead neighbour about. My brother is gone away for a few days over the new year. Last night she came into me in the sitting room showing me a box that she found in his room. She found jewellery that he bought in his room. For his girlfriend. She opened the box and shoved it into my face and asked me to open the jewellery. I told her that there was a clasp on it but it's very small and delicate and I asked her to leave it back and I refused to open the jewellery for her to try on.
She went snooping in his room invading his privacy and trying to try on the jewellery he bought for his girlfriend. Its horrible behaviour from her. She had no right to snoop in his room and dress it up as her cleaning his room when it wasn't.