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Original poster

Not wanting a puppy but husband kids do

33 replies

Tasha00 · 31/12/2023 14:34

My husband and kids all want a dog. But I am enjoying the little time I can have to myself. I was always bought up with dogs. But have a fear of dogs biting. My son who has additional needs and is 16 has longed for a dog. But he spends most of his time in his bedroom playing games. He has very little patience. My mum has a dog and he adores her as she good as gold. And will curl up on his lap alday untill she wants to play then gets frustrated. My daughter's to young to care for a dog and my husband works long days and on-call every 5 weeks. I guess I'm being selfish as when the kids and husband go to work and school I finally have 2 minutes for myself and I really enjoy it. I now I would be the main carer. But now I feel I'm taking the one thing they want away from them because I don't feel I can take on anymore stress at the moment. My family mean everything to me so the last thing I want is to upset them. We went looking for a puppy but explained to the breeder I was just looking to see how I felt about owning a dog. They were great and filled us in with all the good bad and challenges we could have with owning a puppy. I called them today as last night I was over my head with worry and explained I don't think I'm ready now. They were so understanding and said we can come back for advice anytime. Now I feel awful I said no to a puppy x

OP posts:

WhateverMate · 31/12/2023 14:39

There's a massive difference between taking something away from your family and not giving it to them in the first place.

Do not get a dog, especially a puppy as they're so much hard work.

Tell them when they're all old enough/able to look after a dog, you'll consider visiting a rehoming centre, but it won't be for a good few years.

stayathomer · 31/12/2023 14:40

I know very very few people who have kids, busy lifestyles and dogs and don’t regret it. The ones that don’t regret it are always the ones who really wanted one themselves! Dogs and especially puppies need as much time, energy and attention as kids do, in fact there’s times my family are sitting in watching movies/ on screens and I’m standing out in the garden with the dog/ walking the dog. And the kids literally come in, pet him, do the odd walk and then wonder why he’s my shadow!!! It will always be the mum that ends up doing the lion’s share too. I adore our dog but both of us have said when he’s gone, we’re done, life has become all about making sure the dog has someone there, isn’t upset, doesn’t upset others (kids coming who are afraid of dogs) etc

Notmyrealmum · 31/12/2023 14:41

Honestly- we got our now 15 week old puppy 6 weeks ago & despite my DH and two teen DC PROMISING they would all do their part- they don't & it all falls to me as I WFH full time. They just don't "see" what needs to be done. Don't notice when she is signaling to go out for a wee, don't listen or follow the training advice, don't want to go out in the cold/rain.

The first month was an absolute NIGHTMARE, but she's a really good puppy and I've managed to get her to a decent level of training for her age.

Interested in this thread?

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Dogs

LadyBird1973 · 31/12/2023 14:45

The person who would be doing most of the caring has to be fully on board and enthusiastic. Dont do it - they are a real bind in every day life and so you have to really want one. If not you'll end up resentful.
Your kids will be fine, not having a dog and just loving your mums one.

It might be possible for your kids to do some volunteer work at some point either animal charities and maybe do dog walking etc, if they would enjoy this. You don't need to own a pet

Original poster

Tasha00 · 31/12/2023 14:48

I had a puppy years ago a westie before i had kids I loved her so much. I also had a bichon fris but after 18 months he developed epilepsy and sadly passed away after a fit a year later. But after I had these. My mum had a jack Russell terrier. She lived to be 13 but she had really bad attitude if u picked her up she went for u. She would not let you pick her up she was scared of every noise. We had to separate her all the time with the kids as she went for anyone and everything. Once she was dirty I carried her into the bathroom to clean her and she bite my face. I was scared of her. I think this is why I'm scared now for the children. I have the fear of a dog biting. But yet my mum's chihuahua now is amazing and the kids run around with her. She's 7 years old and gentle and have never showed her teeth to anyone. My I can't seem to get this worry of the dog biting out of my head.

OP posts:

wetotter · 31/12/2023 14:56

When you get a dog, you are signing up to having a furry toddler for 10 - 15 years.

It doesn't sound right for you right now, and so I think you've done the right thing in saying "no". It doesn't mean you've made a forever decision; if things change you can change your mind then if you feel you're ready to.

I'd be pretty cautious though - it's just not fair on the dog if one of the family (your DS) will get frustrated with it when s/he is just being a dog and wanting interaction

RiaOverTheRainbow · 31/12/2023 14:59

If you want to you could try fostering as a trial run, and either find it's easier than you thought or tell the family you tried but it won't work.

Or you could compromise on a lower maintenance pet like rats.

But if it's a definite no that's fine too.

Justgivemehotchocolate · 31/12/2023 15:00

You aren’t being selfish at all, you are being realistic. They can promise the world but once the novelty wears off you already know what will happen with regards to who’ll be responsible for it.

For a family to get a dog I think either everyone has to be on board or it just doesn’t happen.

Tawlk · 31/12/2023 15:02

Dont do it
I’ve seen so many families around here with similar situations. Guess who ends up taking care of the dogs, walking, organising gets etc. ? Yep the mum who didn’t want a dog in the first place.

Tawlk · 31/12/2023 15:03

You’re not being selfish either, you’re being realistic. It would be selfish of your family to expect you to cave.

Baffledandalarmed · 31/12/2023 15:09

No. Don't do it. And you are not being selfish saying no.

But, tbh you need to put your foot down and be clear to all of them that it is not happening. Realistically you should never have even viewed a puppy to 'see if it felt right' because if you're not sure before you go to look at a puppy whether you even want a dog then you don't want a dog.

A puppy is not a good representation of dog ownership. When they're at a breeders they have food on tap, water on tap and probably 6 siblings to play with and a mother telling them off when they push boundaries. They have people entertaining them all day. When they live with you, you are it. You are their food. Their water. Their sibling. Their mother. It is entirely different looking at a litter to owning a puppy.

JadziaD · 31/12/2023 15:09

Our dog isn't even dead yet but DH and the DC say constantly that when she does, they will want another dog. And I am saying NO. Why? because it's all on me. I'm the one organising the vet and the medication and ordering the food and walking her (or asking someone else to walk her) and organising care for her when we're not around and worrying about what to do with her if we're out for a day etc.

Never again.

Permanentlyunimpressed · 31/12/2023 15:12

I'm not surprised your DH wants a dog as it sounds like he won't be responsible for caring for it. Tell him to join borrow my doggy and he can walk someone else's dog.

RowanMayfair · 31/12/2023 15:13

You can't get a dog. You're the one who would be caring for it and you don't want to. End of discussion.

Doje · 31/12/2023 15:15

Stick to your guns.

We have a now 3 yr old dog who I adore but I regularly thank my lucky stars that DH was on board with the decision which was ultimately mine.

Otherwise, I think I'd worry about him hating me every time the dog needs to go for a walk at 10pm or he has to take him out if I'm ill, or when I say 'what about the dog' when he accidentally plans a non dog friendly holiday or day out.

The dog will have a big impact on you, whether DH and the kids keep their end of the bargain or not. If you're not up for that, then keep saying no.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 31/12/2023 15:17

I read some great advice here, can’t remember all the details so hopefully someone else can.

Get DH and kids to do the following for 30 days - if they do without you then maybe get a dog

Walk outside 30+ mins a day
Take the rubbish out everyday
Hoover everyday ( pretend their is dog fur etc)
Fill up a water bottle everyday.

There was more and I thought it was brilliant as most DC’s would give up the walk after a week and then that will show you who is left to care for the dog 🤔

baubl · 31/12/2023 15:19

Do you live anywhere near a guide dog school? They're always looking for fosterers to board the dogs who are in training (evenings and weekends)

Crikeyalmighty · 31/12/2023 15:20

Sign up for borrow my doggy- we look after someone's very cute cockapoo a few times a year when they are away and they live 5 minutes walk away- if we ever just want him for an afternoon that's ok too -

ArchetypalBusyMum · 31/12/2023 15:20

You did the right thing op.
If you went ahead and got the dog it would cause resentments, upsets and problems as expectations met reality. You'd end up trying to train the family to train the dog, it end up with a pain in the butt untrained dog, or doing ALL the work.
A dog is only an enhancement to family life if it is part of the family and everyone gets something positive from it. Often it is a long time before you reap the rewards of the initial hard work.
Your son has no patience and most dogs don't want to just curl up on your knee.
You'd be the main carer but it would be a detriment to your life.

Me and the kids really want a pet too, but DH doesn't.
We're not getting one.
He doesn't feel guilty.
This is because imposing another member of the family on a reluctant existing member is unreasonable. It would affect him too and the new pet would not be universally welcome. Do we resent his position on the matter, no, we respect it because his feelings count and a pet is no small change.

Jaxtellersoldlady14 · 31/12/2023 15:21

My kids and hubby keep asking about a dog and it's a huge no from me.. I'm the one home all day that would be left looking after the dog so I feel I get the final decision. My kids are 4 and 8 and I've enough on looking after the kids and a family home, school runs etc that I simply don't have the time for a dog which is exactly why I've said no its not fair on the dog or me as selfish as that sounds. To curb the need for them keep asking we've started looking after family members dogs at the weekend... win win for me kids get to see how much hard work a dog is and get used to having one around and I get to give the dog back at the end of their stay 😜🤣 maybe that's something you could do too.

OneLollipop · 31/12/2023 15:22

But now I feel I'm taking the one thing they want away from them because I don't feel I can take on anymore stress at the moment

It's not the one thing they want though, is it? They want a home, and food, and attention, and good health, and security, and autonomy, and chocolate, and clothes, and friends, and to watch what they want on the TV. They're not having a dying wish. Say NO.

TheSunIsShiningAndTheSkyIsBlue · 31/12/2023 15:24

My advice would be don't do it.
Dogs need an enormous amount of time and effort to be looked after properly.
It will just become another chore for you.

Codlingmoths · 31/12/2023 15:24

It is not selfish to say no to a significant extra burden. It is not the one thing they want- it only feels that way to them because you already give them a safe happy home, food shelter and clothes. That’s quite enough for you for now. My kids want a dog and it’s a no from me, I haven’t the capacity.

rookiemere · 31/12/2023 15:26

Stick to your guns.

DH allegedly desperate for a dog, encouraged DS age 12 at the time to petition for one as well. DH does do the majority of dog care - mostly because I pretend not to understand when the dog needs fed, or his cues to be let out ( don't worry dog is not neglected when DH not there) - but our house is filthy because he doesn't get groomed often enough and I organise dog sitters when we go away as I don't quite trust DH will do it properly.

Oh and I had thought DS now 17 would be dog sitting when we go away, but due to his training commitments and social life the dog still goes to a sitters.

In truth I do resent DH quite a lot for making this decision. There is no way out - he has realised that having a dog isn't as much fun as he thought it would be ( because he thought I'd do all the chump work I'm sure) but we have ddog for life because that's the right thing to do.

Original poster

Tasha00 · 31/12/2023 15:27

Thank you for all your replies I guess I'm just feeling low today. Yet my husband's gone to work my son's been on his laptop alday and my daughter's playing in the bath (I'm with her). Everyone's just in there own little worlds. I love when everyone goes to bed and all jobs are done I get to drink that hot cup of tea or watch EastEnders without distractions. I've waited 19 years to do this and now it's come I really don't want to lose that. Yet I feel so bad that I'm thinking of myself.

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