PIL terrified of Covid, norovirus, flu…

[Christmaswrap]

They live 5 hrs away. Their choice. MIL has rheumatoid arthritis and can now hardly move without great pain. FIL doing everything. Lifting, showering cooking etc. on his own. both mid 80s!
They now don’t want us to visit next week (me DH and ds, 16) MIL has compromised immune system and has read online they will die if catch Covid.We have had jabs will wear masks etc.She has found a million reasons not to get a home help, covid one of them.
They have hardly seen anyone since Covid- fil no longer sees mates at all or goes out unless to get milk. there’s a whole list of other things that are crap, including MIL immense capacity to worry about odd things - squirrels will get into the garage and eat the cars wires, and require complicated breakfasts and wierd routines etc etc.
we were going to stay a few nights and sort internet, cook and try and be jolly. But now MIL making excuses, they were keen to see us after Xmas but DH rescheduled as the roads and weather were awful on Boxing Day.
it just seems like a head on collision, What on earth can we do to help?

Sadly I'm not sure you can do a lotI

i've known of much younger people to be terrified still

When did you see them last? Are they more comfortable with spring meet ups?

The only thing, logic wise, is that they could catch it anywhere. Though rigorous handwashing will be of some help avoiding noro.

They might also now be comfortable with life as it is and not want to change.

I'm sorry. I won't rant about the damage that's been done to people because that won't help, but I'm really sorry.

Perhaps my reply will bump this to get more constructive advice.

When people are this paranoid and illogical there's nothing you can do, sadly.

I wonder if an anxiety medication could help- who is more worried? FIL might well be suffering from burnout or carers stress as it sounds a lot for him- perhaps suggest kindly that letting everyone get used to a small amount of care and support even when they don’t quite few they need it yet is better than waiting til something bad happens and it NEEDS to be put in place without any preparation etc… if it’s more MIL worrying then perhaps suggest she calls the GP as you’re worried that that are missing out on any life they have left by hiding away…

But if they have capacity there won’t be much you can actually DO to fight this… other than say you’re saddened and concerned about how isolated they both are.

Agree with PPs, very little you can do until there's an actual crisis, such as a fall that means that accepting help from you or others becomes a necessity or the lesser of two evils.

Would they let just your DH go and visit? I know that isn't ideal, but he may be able to have a proper chat.

I find it very sad when old people act like this, wasting the few precious years they have left. Not sure there’s much you can do though

Similar fears with my PIL. No sympathy if anyone in our family has a cold or is feeling ill, instead it's "we don't want it, have you got a mask?" etc. Avoidance. Our household includes a teacher and three teenage school children so we are naturally picking up viruses! Part of life but they seem to have forgotten this and are, imo, missing out on fun due to avoiding small chances of catching a cold.

I'd try to go, maybe shorten the visit if it helps? Talking about her fears will help, how easy this will be is another matter I know .

I'd suggest contacting MILs rheumatology team to establish her personal risk, which will be dependent on medication, if arthritis is well controlled and vaccine status accurate etc. as the information may help her fears. Would she will allow her son to support her for phone call? Our local hospital has a great helpline to rheumatology nurses and they can be really helpful. It sounds as if her arthritis isn't under control, which isn't helping the situation. How they both cope may need to be reviewed.

At start of pandemic,when little was known, information was understandably sent to patients thought to be at severe risk of hospitalisation, rheumatology ones included. This would probably have scared her, and I think up to date, personal information regarding risk would be helpful.

Reassurance of wearing good quality masks and ventilating the house when visiting may help.

A difficult situation. Wishing you luck, and hoping you can spend time together as a family.

I understand wanting to avoid someone who is actually ill with a virus

but this is completely different.

Also, contrary to many opinions, COVID isn't just a cold. It causes vascular damage and many other long term issues.

However , we have to live with the virus, and there will be a way to protect those who are immune surpressed, if it is acknowledged that the fears MIL has are rooted in real concern.

In my opinion, ignoring the real risks and pretending COVID isn't a real risk isn't helpful. There is so much research out there to dismiss the 'COVID is a cold' myth, however uncomfortable that reality is for most people.

@EmmaEmerald not really - one of our DC is on immunoregulating medication, same as that used for children with juvenile idiopathic arthritis. Life carries on, she is not ill any more than any of us and advice is that we carry on as normal.

As a teacher, if I wanted to avoid anyone ill with a virus I'd rarely be a work!

We need to get to a point where some people aren't scared to have a cough or cold symptoms.

Depends on your normal

i've had pneumonia a few times from close contact with someone having a cold. You mention fear - but the inconvenience is massive and goes on for ages. I lost all my gym fitness for months the first time and had to have a phased return to work. I freelance now so no sick pay.

I use public transport etc so colds, coughs, are inevitable.

but if someone's got a cold or stomach bug, there's no reason to bring it to my home. That's something easily avoided. Just like I wash my hands often. Proportionate precaution.

I appreciate if you have DC you can't avoid it

I've just remembered, mum had a short period of volunteering with children and stopped because she was ill all the bleeping time.

I think there's a huge galaxy between not wanting someone to visit with a cold and just saying "no mixing with anyone at all" though.

But ultimately, people like OP in laws have decided that's how they want to live at present and as pp said, it won't change until there's a crisis.

I don’t blame them tbh, my dad died of covid this year, he was in ICU for 3 months, We were told that if he survived he would never be the same person again, it did something to his nerve endings which meant that every time he was touched he was in excruciating pain , It’s not ‘a cold’ for everyone . I’ve been contacted by my gp and told of I catch covid I have to contact them and get an antiviral (?) prescription . My mum and stepdad aren’t too concerned about covid but have a zero tolerance approach for anyone with even a suggestion of a stomach bug , as my step dad would never be able to make it to a toilet in a hurry , my mum avoids colds because she has had her breast bone sawn in half which makes coughing very painful . People become frail as they age, minor illnesses ( to you) could make them very unwell, don’t roll your eyes , try and look at life from their perspective . Also, squirrels have form for eating car wires 🤣

statetrooperstacey I’m so sorry. Your poor dad, and family. 💐

Thank you everyone. I agree they really don’t want to catch anything - there’d be no one to look after the other one. So mad. It all just seems mad, they were happy for us to visit over Xmas but new year seems to be full of germs. They need a solicitor to come to the house so are using that as another excuse not to get home helps in - and I think FIL is getting more forgetful but he won’t go to the doctors.
FIL is utterly exhausted.
Robinonaspade that’s a good idea to contact her doctors, we won’t be allowed to of course.
it’s as if anything anyone can do to help is turned down.
It just seems massively tragic. They are obviously isolated and driving each other nuts. I think there’s a lot of psychology at play.
as a few of you have said it won’t change until it’s a crisis.
and it will be. It already is a slow motion crisis.
Thanks, I think DH will just have to go on his own, and tackle those squirrels 😁

They are not alone. DH's Nana and Grandpa are the same. It's so sad, pre COVID they were very agile (10 mile walks in Wales), daily long dog walks, riding horses. They had a social life - meeting friends for coffee.

COVID hit and they have refused to willingly leave the house since. If you want to see them you need to test and sit at a 2m distance - a mass improvement on test, mask and 2m distance. They are jabbed and have no underlying health conditions. 4 years indoors and they are now frail and constantly falling over. Grandpa has cataracts and has given up driving as he is now very rusty on the roads plus the cataracts are not helping. Between them in the last 2 years they have broken: a shoulder, a leg, a finger, a wrist, an arm, bruised ribs. Not to mention the head injury requiring stitches. Nana is now on antidepressants. MIL is having to shop for them and take them to the drs as they live in a small village without a drs.

It's so sad. Unfortunately there is very little we can do - we've explored options with the Dr and local volunteer services (it seems to be a common problem as our volunteer service have a "getting out and about after COVID" arm). They say it's a matter of encouraging them out to things they used to enjoy and try making going out a habit again. Only problem we've had with that is 4 years of isolation means every time we can persuade them to venture out they catch something, or get overwhelmed with how busy it is. Which then increases resistance to going out . Getting out over Christmas has been an absolute no go.

We have got where they will visit family in their homes and will have family come to visit but only if they healthy and visitors are healthy and a negative test- and without too much notice so they can't be too anxious about it. Any more than a days notice and they have twisted themselves into an anxious knot.

Thanks for that caffeine that’s very sad for you all. Sending them hugs.

Op i can understand people in their 80s not wanting covid tbh.
My dm is the opposite,hasnt had the last jab due to feeling unwell after the previous one.
I told her covid floored me for a few days a couple of yrs ago and im normally very energetic.
Also they hear too nuch on the news that scares them with no other things to think about they ruminate.
Send dh and at least you know you offered help.

Yes, I agree - Covid is absolutely nasty, have never felt so unwell.
and yes, you are right they watch the news a lot and MIL scares herself silly.
she just called and can no longer hold the phone for long as it’s too sore.😳
wish I could magic them to be nearby where all their mates and grandkids live.

I would consciously avoid anyone who had noro too - cannot bear vomiting (emetophobic, unfortunately). The problem with so many of these illnesses, Covid, nasty colds, the dreaded noro, is that someone can already have the illness but be showing no symptoms. Noro can come on out of nowhere (it went round my workplace and people were coming to work feeling fine and then starting to vomit copiously and having to be sent home a couple of hours later).

My parents are both in their 80 sand like your PIL,s my Dad is a full.time carer for my mum
They are not afraid of Covid but my Dad is very reluctant to accept help.from anyone including me and my sister and grumbles when we try and help he,s very proud so their could be an element of hat with your PIL,s ?

I agree it's probably best if your DH goes on his own, the thought of having visitors or being surrounded by other people (even family) can be quite overwhelming for many older people (not just old people!).
My own DM (90) is the same ... I spend more time on my own with her as I can see it is more comfortable for her ... she went to bed for a week after Christmas Day which was only four of us - in my house .

And tbf, the rodents eating car wiring looms is an actual thing. I have a van with vegan (!) wiring & apparently rats love it. 😳

I am not bs ing you, I'm in the owner's group & there's posts about it. Costly to fix.

I'd leave them to it. I don't get why people of that age are worried about catching something and dying. Better to see their family whilst they still have one foot out of the grave.

This is what I think. If you’re in your 80s you’ve already had a good innings and got to die of something. I’d rather it was Covid than Parkinson’s dementia for example which I’ve seen loved ones die of.

Your MIL has an auto immune disease. I’m not surprised she is careful and wants to avoid, the flu etc….

I also look at how people are never protecting themselves and I can see how they would be weary regardless of the vaccination status etc…

IF (and tbh that’s a big if) the issue is their fears of illness, I’d talk to them about other measures they can take that will dramatically reduce their risk

• an air filter in the house
• measuring CO2 levels
• opening windows (slightly! That’s often enough)
• asking people to not come if they are even slightly under the weather.

I mean the first two are good enough fir MPs and the defence ministry.

If they are still refusing despite any logical measures (you mentioned a mask and that is certainly a good way), then I’d wonder if they are not trying to hide how much they are struggling - which would make me even more keen on visiting tbh.