Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

Original poster

When is it okay for step children to call you mum

22 replies

Hannah985 · 30/12/2023 19:34

Hi!

I'm just coming on here as I'm not sure when this is appropriate? For some context, my partner has 2 children ages 5 and 4 and we share a newborn.

I love these two children very much and on Christmas day the 5 year old came to show me a present with "look mummy, look what Santa got me". I couldn't stop crying, it's the best thing I've ever heard.

The reason I feel bad, is that they're mum passed away 4 years ago. I don't want to feel like I'm trying to replace her in any way.

Am I over reacting and being emotional because of my newborn hormones? Is this something I should be happily encouraging? I'm worried what DPs parents will think.

Thanks, Hannah

OP posts:

rochethenut · 30/12/2023 19:37

so the mother died when the youngest was a newborn and the eldest was 1?

When did you join their lives?

Terfosaurus · 30/12/2023 19:39

I think that if they want to call you Mummy then that's totally appropriate. Especially as you are the only "mummy" they know.

Just keep conversation open about their Mummy in whatever way you do now.

pickledandpuzzled · 30/12/2023 19:40

Children get to choose what they call you. If you’re challenged by grandparents, I’d sympathise with their discomfort but say you didn’t know how to tell her not to without upsetting her. That you’d never want her to feel less loved by refusing to answer to mummy.

And of course you tell her about her first mummy all the time and show her pictures and remind her how much she was loved, etc. because you do, right?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 30/12/2023 19:42

You are the chosen one. Embrace them. How lovely they see you as a dm. Obviously they need to always know they had a dm before you.

PinkPlantCase · 30/12/2023 19:43

In this context I think it’s fine. So long as dialogue is kept open about their first mummy

Original poster

Hannah985 · 30/12/2023 19:46

Yes we talk about their mother all the time, they have lots of different photo books and photo's around the house that they like to get out and ask questions. DP takes them to visit her special tree and they pick her flowers and presents. And we write little notes about new things that happen (starting school, new friends etc) to send on to her.

Like I said, I would never in any way want to replace their mum. They're such amazing kids and I'm really happy to be part of their lives, I just don't want to overstep

OP posts:

Original poster

Hannah985 · 30/12/2023 19:47

rochethenut · Today 19:37

so the mother died when the youngest was a newborn and the eldest was 1?

When did you join their lives?

Yes, I won't go into details as it's not my story to tell but she passed when the youngest was newborn.

Their father and I started dating around 18 months ago although we knew each other previously.

OP posts:

anothernamechangeagainsndagain · 30/12/2023 19:50

When they want to, they are lucky to have an amazing step mum

bakewellbride · 30/12/2023 19:53

Unless you are married they are not step children.

Notmetoo · 30/12/2023 19:58

You are mummy to them as long as you are happy and they are happy i don't see the issue. As long as you are all honest with them and they know about their mother.

Whattodo112222 · 30/12/2023 20:00

I'd embrace it OP. If you and your partner are solid then you're likely to be the only mummy they'll know. But do talk about their actually mummy like you and your partner do and keep her memories alive so they never forget her.

You sound incredibly thoughtful x

LuluBlakey1 · 30/12/2023 20:04

My best friend died when her baby was one. She has a step-mum who she calls by her name- but her dad didn't marry again until she was 13. I think it's lovely if they call you mummy- for them and you. It doesn't mean they don't know who their mother was but you're their mummy every day.

spanishviola · 30/12/2023 20:05

bakewellbride · 30/12/2023 19:53

Unless you are married they are not step children.

That’s a bit of an old fashioned view. She is acting as a parent to them.

LuluBlakey1 · 30/12/2023 20:06

Just to add- legally you are nothing to them and have no rights. Do you plan to marry?

blackpanth · 30/12/2023 20:13

As long as you mention first mam now and again it's totally fine 🙂

Ashleysaidwhat · 30/12/2023 20:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

ChilledToTheBone · 30/12/2023 20:18

When the children decide to, if they do.
Im a SM and have been for 10 years. Never been called Mum. And that's ok. Id never want her to if she didn't want to.

Ashleysaidwhat · 30/12/2023 20:18

I have asked for my comment to be deleted as it is completely different circumstances.

Original poster

Hannah985 · 30/12/2023 20:30

LuluBlakey1 · 30/12/2023 20:06

Just to add- legally you are nothing to them and have no rights. Do you plan to marry?

At no point did I mention that DP and I aren't married.

Although I do believe that the marriage certificate doesn't change my relationship with the children at all and I'm certainly not "nothing to them" without it

OP posts:

LuluBlakey1 · 30/12/2023 20:33

Hannah985 · 30/12/2023 20:30

At no point did I mention that DP and I aren't married.

Although I do believe that the marriage certificate doesn't change my relationship with the children at all and I'm certainly not "nothing to them" without it

Show quote history

I said 'legally' you are nothing to them without it. You'll see I also said in my comment above- you are their 'mummy' but legally, if you aren't married to their dad, you are nothing.

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 30/12/2023 20:34

You still have no legal rights to them unless you adopt them. Go for it op.

compactopera · 30/12/2023 20:35

I think it would be more damaging if you tried to stop them.

But I also think you have a lifelong responsibility to these children to support them to maintain their relationship with their mum - because even though she has died they will still have a relationship with her throughout their lives.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread