"When you're a parent, you will understand"

[JazbayGrapes]

Did you hear this phrase while growing up and did you have any moments when it proved true?

For me, it is that you can't always put kids (or one specific kid) first at all times. Sometimes there is a bigger fish to fry, more important thing to think about. And that parenting is a hit and miss - not because you want to deliberately want to upset your kid.

Off topic but I instantly dislike anyone who says in a condescending way, ‘you’ll understand one day’ about anything. Working. Marriage. Driving. Parenting. Menopause. Retirement. All it’s going to do is cause an awkward moment and make the person you’re saying it to, feel inadequate for not ‘knowing’.

No need to one up other people with your life experience because everyone does things differently.

I don't remember hearing it growing up, but my god I hated this phrase when struggling with infertility. So sanctimonious.

I think it is an irritating phase but I have found it to be 100% true

Yes I think it’s true

About what? that being a parent gives you this superpower of understanding what, exactly?

Agreed.

Also, it’s pointless. What does it help to say it? They either will or they won’t. They don’t need you to tell them now, so they can look forward to sharing your wisdom one day 😂 Some things are better not said.

Bring a parent I guess?

About what? that being a parent gives you this superpower of understanding what, exactly?

As a kid, you resent your parent for doing/not doing something for you. But for your own kids - you will act exactly the same.

my parents said this A LOT when I was a kid. Some things I understand better now as a parent. Eg my dad being frustrated when I wouldn’t stay in bed. Other things I don’t understand, such as my mum basically doing nothing with me.

I think, like anything, having first hand experience of something will obviously change your perception of that thing in some ways.

I agree with PP that I don’t particularly like that phrase. Seems Pointless to say it to children. They’re children of course they don’t understand things like adults do. I remember ranting at my dad that he had life easy because he only worked in an office and sat down all day. 😂 He loves reminding me of that!!

Seems Pointless to say it to children. They’re children of course they don’t understand things like adults do.

I am miffed that my parents did not explain things better, instead of bullshitting. Children can perfectly understand most things - not like they're toddlers until they turn 18.

miffed that your parents didn’t explain what. Of course it’s fine to be upset if they trotted out “you’ll understand when you’re older” instead of actually explaining why they were doing why they were doing.
Children can understand a lot I agree, but not in the same way as an adult and often understanding becomes more in depth/difference once you have been a parent too.

Eg - if I went to Spain, I could explain to you what it I like there, and you could understand what I am telling you. However your understanding would be different again if you actually went to Spain and experienced it yourself.

Is there something specific you are miffed at your parents for not explaining?

Agreed.

miffed that your parents didn’t explain what.

Various things. I.e. being tired and needing time for themselves, tight budget, healthy eating, various dangerous situations. And I couldn't understand why are they being so arsey to me.

Ah I see. Yea they could have made effort to explain things to you. Were they not very good at communicating?

Having said that I tried to explain to my son that I need down time too, time to relax and he said “you just had some “I’d been washing up” 😂.

When I was in my 20s my parents did something shocking to my younger sister that I found unforgivable and I wasn’t shy about making my feelings known. I was fed that line at the time.

Now that I actually AM a parent and my own kids are in their 20s, I have even LESS understanding for their cruel actions towards their own daughter. So yeah, I hate that phrase.

It’s not something I’ve ever said to my child — in my experience, parenting is very specific to the individual parent’s temperament, circumstances, finances, health etc, AND the child they have, AND other parent of the child’s input/support/ presence etc. I don’t think there’s any universal parenting experience. For instance, my mother was a semi-literate SAHM with five children, living in an otherwise all-male extended family household, with very little money and very trad gender roles. I’m a FT working mother to one child with lots more money and education, plus a DH who does all cooking and shopping, and half of childcare.

Ah I see. Yea they could have made effort to explain things to you. Were they not very good at communicating?

Communication was poor indeed. I had some adult conversations with them years later and they did actually apologize for some things, and said - we didn't know it was such a big deal to you.
Now my oldest is 20 and he sometimes lets know he's resentful of they way we did things.

that being a parent gives you this superpower of understanding what, exactly?

Of certain aspects of being a parent? I don't see what's surprising about that, there's loads of things I haven't personally experienced and therefore don't understand.
If someone said to me "you won't understand until you've had to care for an elderly relative" then as long as they were talking about something actually relevant to that situation I wouldn't get arsey about it. I'd think they were right that I didn't fully understand.

It's true though.
Loads of people don't understand what it's like to be a parent until they actually are one.

I think it’s probably almost impossible to get though parenting without doing something that you have to apologise to your child for. I guess the hope is that we don’t do anything too damaging and that we provide enough of the good stuff too so our relationship is ok.

I've always understood what it's like to be a parent.

That's why I didn't have any kids 😁

Ha to be honest I said this to my eldest a few days ago

I think it’s probably almost impossible to get though parenting without doing something that you have to apologise to your child for. I guess the hope is that we don’t do anything too damaging and that we provide enough of the good stuff too so our relationship is ok.

I hope so too. But it's really minor things that as a parent, you maybe not even register. But for the child is a major upset. And they happen to remember it for years. An icecream not bought. An expected present they did not receive. A party missed.
Basically anytime you tell them "No"

When I was 9, we lived in an unsafe area in a big city and I needed to walk to and from school on my own. I would then be home alone for a few hours in the evenings and my mum was really firm that I had to ring her at work from the home phone as soon as I got in.
I would be in trouble if I took longer than normal to get home so I could never see friends after school or dawdle or go in a shop and she would be furious if I forgot to call at all.
I thought she was dramatic and controlling and just trying to stop me having fun. And she gave me that line a lot - which irritated me even more.
But as an adult I do get how scary it would be to have to leave your 9 year old daughter walking alone, sometimes in the dark, in that area, with no way of knowing if she was safe until hours later unless she remembers to ring. And I do get why she couldn't bring herself to explain exactly what scared her about that situation- but maybe it would have been safer if she had.