Any advice on going low contact with family of origin?

[Newyearnewusername2024]

I have made the decision to create some boundaries around seeing my family of origin. It has been a painful few years being the scapegoat and I have realised I can't change anyone's behaviour but I can change my own.

I don't want to go no contact, but I think low contact for my mum and brothers is best. This would also mean my wider family as they are all very enmeshed/ enabling/ flying monkeys and the rest. Brothers live away. Mum lives locally to me but in different villages.

I would be happy for my mum to see her grandkids without me, I would not restrict access should she want that (but sees them very little/ never babysits so I'm not sure how motivated she would be) but, I don't want to see her regularly. My brothers only see her a few times a year as they don't live that close (2/3 hours away). I would like to see her as frequently as them.

And same for the brothers, I only see them a few times per year and happy to maintain this.

Has anyone else done similar? Any advice?

Thank you.

If your family are all enmeshed, I think the easiest way to do it would be to keep very quiet about it. If you’re invited anywhere, be busy, but tell your mum that your DC are free to go if she wants to come and get them. Eventually, everyone will be so used to you not being there that it will become normal.

If you don’t want to go nc then it strikes me that you could do without all the drama that would come along with telling your mum that you only want to see her a couple of times a year.

Do NOT let her see the kids without you. They always try to use them as pawns.

Yes, I would go with the following as a starting point: Make no announcements about this (especially to your FOO); avoid mentioning them in general (seek online support or counselling); protect your DC - do not send them without you; start by cutting down (or just stop) on the contact that you initiate .

Thanks. I had thought writing an email to explain the boundary would be necessary. But it seems to be a slow fade is the best approach?

Yes, I think so - unfortunately writing a letter/email or telling them direct often backfires/provide ammunition and will be twisted.
The boundaries are for you to decide on and maintain - I would let your actions do the talking rather than your words. Don’t JADE (justify, argue, deny, explain). If you don’t want to do something - just don’t do it, and if asked that is the reason too.

'Yes, I think so - unfortunately writing a letter/email or telling them direct often backfires/provide ammunition and will be twisted.'

That's my experience too. I would 100% recommend NOT discussing any of this with the, and doing the slow fade instead

'Don’t JADE (justify, argue, deny, explain). If you don’t want to do something - just don’t do it, and if asked that is the reason too.'

Excellent advice

I'm low contact with my family too OP, and it has been a very good decision for my mental health. I live in a different country to them though, so the practicalities are different

Be very wary of allowing a close relationship between your DC and a person who treats you badly.

One of 2 things tends to happen.

1. They are incredibly nice to them and are still nasty to you, and gradually feed your DC lots of negativity about you to turn them against you (a quick read of historical threads on MN will show you just how painful this one is).

2. They treat your DC as an extension of you, and treat them the same way they treat you.

No one NEEDS grandparents in their lives. What they need is a loving support base and caring people around them. Fill their lives with loving and supportive people who are NOT your family of origin.