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Original poster

In-laws causing issues

26 replies

katiekay85 · 30/12/2023 11:59

Hi don’t know where to start really but here we go….
Ive been with my partner now for 11 years, we have 3 children together and I have 1 from a previous relationship.

The first time I was introduced to his family was in the hospital hours after giving birth to our first son in 2016, 4 years in to our relationship. His family have always been a close knit kind of family, constantly in touch with one another. I have never been invited to his mother or sisters home when he goes to visit for birthdays or whatever. I’ve always found this very odd as my family have accepted my partner like he is their son always buy him gifts for birthdays and christmases etc. they would never treat him any different.

his sister has caused numerous problems for us over the years. After our second son was born, we told family they could come visit and set out a timeframe between 1pm and 5pm, he was 2 days old at this point I was very sore had had stitches and trying to establish breast feeding routine and also sleep so this time frame was given to reflect that. His sister, very vocally didn’t agree with that, she wanted to come later on in the evening, to which I said to my partner no. So she basically launched into an attack on me saying I didn’t want her or his mum at the house. This resulted in my partner and I arguing and he walked out and went to his mums house while my family came down. He returned when my nan and 2 brothers with their girlfriends were in our living room to meet baby. He proceeded to stomp past everyone very rudely, not acknowledging them or anything and went upstairs. Needless to say my family were made to feel very uncomfortable and left shortly after. They all said they understand tensions are high when a new baby comes and they left it at that. I felt very embarrassed over his behaviour, mainly because I had not done anything at all yet I was obviously the problem even though to me his sister was the problem? Not being able to respect the time frame given and that this was a precious time for myself and my partner.

this obviously caused massive issues for me, and as a result I did not want her at our home after all the disruption etc that was caused. Now I’m not just blaming his sister, my partner should not have acted how he did there’s no excuse for it and he should have put his sister in her place but he didn’t. A week later, he wore me down about allowing her to come over, something I really didn’t want after what she did. But anyway he allowed her over to see our son, and I hid upstairs in our bedroom as to avoid her.

since this happened I have not wanted her over to our home and it has caused so much stress in my relationship with my partner. Now bare in mind, I have never been invited to their homes I have never been, yet I am expected to welcome her and his mother into our home.

last year, again, he forced his family on me in our home. I had told him my reasons for not wanting his sister in our house. They insisted they come over at 6pm, which is a time where we are getting our kids ready for bed etc so had said that’s not a convenient time, but they came anyway 30 mins later than they said. I was wanting to get the kids ready for bed and was basically just wanting them to leave so I said to my partner are you going to go to the shop before it shuts, dropping the hint so they would just leave. They got on to this and proceeded to storm out of our house. We have a ring door bell and house cameras. I witnessed his sister talking about me to my partner out side of our house. Saying to him that I treat him awful and he needs to stand up to ‘that’ meaning me. She had enraged my partner so much that he came back inside and ‘told me off’ whilst his sister was stood at the end of our path listening to him and smirking (caught all on camera). My partner left the house and followed them to wherever they went after, he did not return home until 2am. We managed to work through this somehow even though I was painted out to be the bad one.

since this last year I’ve not had either of them at the house, I’ve said on many occasions to my partner his mum is welcome on our home but not his sister. To which he responds that his mum and sister come as a pair and can’t bring one without the other.

His mum and sister both last year and this year, did not include me or my son from previous relationship on the card/gift list. So they gave my partner a card and money and our children apart from mine from previous relationship cards and gifts etc. my partner said to his mum that this is not fair or right, and her response has been well I don’t feel welcome…..

I have never felt welcome, they have never made any effort to get to know me or involve me ever. Yet I am cut off like I don’t exist.

i guess my question is, where do I go from here? Am I the one in the wrong not wanting his sister at our home? I don’t stop him seeing them or taking the kids to see them. The stress from it all is overwhelming. I love my partner, he’s not perfect but no one is. I just don’t know how to deal with the constant shit his family throw at us.

OP posts:
Pumpkindoodles · 30/12/2023 12:06

This is entirely a dh problem.
why didn’t he intro you before the hospital
why did he walk out on you with a 2 day old
why is he allowing people to slag you off or even joining in with them
why is he stomping around your house like a stroppy child
why isn’t he demanding his family treat you at least civilly.
Why is he choosing walking out on you to side with his sister as a regular coping strategy for conflict

the sister in the house issue is entirely a waste of time until you and your dh are on the same page about what your relationship means, what or who his priorities are, how he expects you to be treated by himself and others and how you are willing to be treated.
next you can move on to a plan of action with his family moving forward, if you get that far. Otherwise you and your children will always be second to them. His family sound very enmeshed.

Original poster
katiekay85 · 30/12/2023 12:51

Thank you for your quick response. I don’t actually know why he didnt introduce me his family have very odd dynamics and hes told me that growing up his mum always made it clear people wernt welcome at her house because it was a mess and she was depressed. hes only recently told me this though. I actually bought her a gift when we first got together to be nice and make the effort but didnt even get a thank you.

His mum and dad split when he was 4 and hes been brought up like a companion to his mum rather than a son. maybe he didnt introduce me because he felt his mum would feel threatened i dont know.

At the time he walked out and followed them he felt i was in the wrong so by walking out he was showing them they have his loyalty. we have discussed it a lot and he just says it was tge wring thing to do looking back blah blah.

he does act very childish and its something we struggle with a lot tbh if something doesnt go his way etc.

ive said to him its obvious where his loyalty is but he denies it what more can I say. I have also said to him they have a very enmeshed relationship but I don’t think he sees it.

i am the only person who has been confronted about not wanting them at our house, he has never said anything to them about me not being involved in anything.

OP posts:
Saymyname28 · 30/12/2023 12:54

He is absolutely at fault. Get rid and free yourself of this toxicity.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Relationship problems
Redshoeblueshoe · 30/12/2023 12:58

Seriously your DH is the problem.

LTB

ChristmasEvemaddness · 30/12/2023 12:59

Hi op selfish bastards the lot of them. I can't stand my sil I wouldn't be with my dh if he did anything she said!!

Unfortunately he is in theirs grip and needs to get out of the or grip. How I don't know.

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 30/12/2023 13:06

Ltb. Then you can enjoy your dc and bet your mh improves - you must feel constantly stressed. . He is a pillock...

hedgehoglurker · 30/12/2023 13:19

Just curious about the 1-5pm visiting, as that seems to have set things off badly at the beginning. Does the sister work during the day, so wanted to come when she was available after work?

Obviously you are within your rights to set boundaries, but just wondering if this particular boundary considered their availability.

UsingChangeofName · 30/12/2023 13:26

Agree with everyone else.
Why are you saying the in-laws are causing issues ?

This is entirely about your dp (and to some extent you)

Why would you have a child with a person who hasn't invited you along to any of his family occasions or meet ups in 4 years of being a couple ? Confused Does that not strike you as a weird dynamic in the first place ?
Why wouldn't you have invited any of the family over you yours in those 4 years ?

So much you should have sorted out WAY before 2016.

Original poster
katiekay85 · 30/12/2023 13:35

Why would I invite his family over to my mums house where I lived? If I’d never been invited to his mums house? I made the effort with his mum I bought her gifts got no thank you nothing, he said his mum. Children aren’t always planned you o ow, what should I have done had an abortion because I’d not met his mum 😂. Sorry but I don’t think I’m in any way part of the problem, maybe I’m wrong but I don’t see it that way.

and it is the in laws causing the problems the only issues we have only ever come from them and my partner clearly has some issues as he’s been brought up knowing people aren’t welcome at his mums house

OP posts:
Original poster
katiekay85 · 30/12/2023 13:39

No his sister wasn’t working that day we specifically said that day as it was Saturday so our close family would be available to come and sort of get it out the way with.

OP posts:
2chocolateoranges · 30/12/2023 13:43

Your do sounds spineless, not a quality I would want in a partner.

if he can’t have your back in the relationship then who wil.

Sugargliderwombat · 30/12/2023 13:52

This relationship would be over for me. Doesn't want to introduce you to his family but obviously once the baby arrived the baby was good enough. He sounds like a horrible bully.

In all seriousness though what are you looking for? Him to cut off his family? He has made it clear that won't happen. The only other way around this is to make amends with his family (which I would not be doing). I don't see a way out of this one OP.

Sugargliderwombat · 30/12/2023 13:53

I think you are deflecting your issues onto his sister. Your issue is him. Plenty of people have difficult in laws but they muddle through because the husband usually has at least some loyalty to their partner.

LookItsMeAgain · 30/12/2023 13:57

Saymyname28 · 30/12/2023 12:54

He is absolutely at fault. Get rid and free yourself of this toxicity.

This.

100% this.

hellsBells246 · 30/12/2023 14:03

You have a h problem. All of this is on him.

Is he really worth it??

2024betterBebetter · 30/12/2023 14:04

Your partner and his family sound like complete toxic nightmares. Your alarm bells should have been ringing when he never introduced to them until after your baby was born. Your partner is equally as toxic as his family. As your partner doesn’t see the problem and also doesn’t seem willing to support you I would give him an ultimatum - he either supports you or you are over. This problem will never go away for as long as he supports his family’s toxicity.

Original poster
katiekay85 · 30/12/2023 14:05

Sugargliderwombat · 30/12/2023 13:52

This relationship would be over for me. Doesn't want to introduce you to his family but obviously once the baby arrived the baby was good enough. He sounds like a horrible bully.

In all seriousness though what are you looking for? Him to cut off his family? He has made it clear that won't happen. The only other way around this is to make amends with his family (which I would not be doing). I don't see a way out of this one OP.

I don’t know what I’m looking for, some kind of acknowledgement from him that I’ve never been included in their family events and for him to bring all these things up to his family rather than me be painted out to be the problem. Because in all honesty it drives me insane, I feel like I’ve lost all perspective hence the post to see other people’s opinions and advice.

i don’t want him to cut his family off, I’ve always let him take the kids to see them, and no I don’t want to make amends with them I don’t feel that’s been my place to do that as it’s not been me excluding them from family events it’s been the other way around and I have his mum saying she doesn’t feel welcome when I’ve never been welcome. Just makes me feel really shit tbh

OP posts:
Pumpkindoodles · 30/12/2023 14:19

Sorry but I don’t think I’m in any way part of the problem, maybe I’m wrong but I don’t see it that way.

and it is the in laws causing the problems the only issues we have only ever come from them and my partner clearly has some issues as he’s been brought up knowing people aren’t welcome at his mums house

op there’s no way you aren’t contributing to this in some way
even if it’s 99% them and 1% you. There’s no way they treat you poorly and you act perfectly in every situation, we’re all human. If you can’t see anything you may to do contribute and dh also can’t see anything he does, you’re going to struggle to move forward together.

pp are all telling you this is a dh problem and you’re insistent it’s an in law problem. It isn’t. It’s a problem with dh and your relationship. It doesn’t matter what my DHs sister said, he wouldn’t walk out on me. Let alone twice, once with a 2 day old. Therefore the sister would be mostly irrelevant - if a bit annoying still- if your dh was a good man.
He lets them exclude you and talk badly about you in front of him, by not challenging this, he shows them this is acceptable behaviour. That is his choice to do. If you don’t recognise him as the issue and neither of you think you’re doing wrong, and his mum and sister think they’re not doing anything wrong, and no one is willing to change, nothing can be resolved.

Original poster
katiekay85 · 30/12/2023 14:31

Pumpkindoodles · 30/12/2023 14:19

Sorry but I don’t think I’m in any way part of the problem, maybe I’m wrong but I don’t see it that way.

and it is the in laws causing the problems the only issues we have only ever come from them and my partner clearly has some issues as he’s been brought up knowing people aren’t welcome at his mums house

op there’s no way you aren’t contributing to this in some way
even if it’s 99% them and 1% you. There’s no way they treat you poorly and you act perfectly in every situation, we’re all human. If you can’t see anything you may to do contribute and dh also can’t see anything he does, you’re going to struggle to move forward together.

pp are all telling you this is a dh problem and you’re insistent it’s an in law problem. It isn’t. It’s a problem with dh and your relationship. It doesn’t matter what my DHs sister said, he wouldn’t walk out on me. Let alone twice, once with a 2 day old. Therefore the sister would be mostly irrelevant - if a bit annoying still- if your dh was a good man.
He lets them exclude you and talk badly about you in front of him, by not challenging this, he shows them this is acceptable behaviour. That is his choice to do. If you don’t recognise him as the issue and neither of you think you’re doing wrong, and his mum and sister think they’re not doing anything wrong, and no one is willing to change, nothing can be resolved.

Yes I agree. I’ve not said I haven’t done anything, I’ve responded by not having them over at our house which is where a lot of the issues are now stemming from. Also I haven’t said my partner isn’t the problem either, I fully acknowledge that he is a major part of it. I just want a peaceful life, I accept I’m not liked by his family and I’m not welcome and I want them to respect that they r not welcome here either and stop forcing the issue which is what they keep doing. So I don’t know what the solution is if there even is one other than to just call it a day which I’m trying to avoid doing because I love him and we have 3 young children

OP posts:
Pumpkindoodles · 30/12/2023 14:55

I would want to find a way that he can keep his family happy and treat you with respect. So for example they can’t slag you off in front of him, and he doesn’t come home from seeing them and start big rows with you or walk out.
he doesn’t need to be coming back telling you what they’ve been bitching about because firstly they shouldn’t be bitching and secondly if you have both agreed your boundaries already (eg them not in your home) there’s no more discussion to be had on it.
If he loves you and respects you and loves his family then you should be able to reach an agreement, but that means they need to treat you with a level of civility too.
Alternatively you all try to make up and find a way forward.

But honestly if dh thinks it’s ok for them to treat you poorly though, and his mum has raised him to be her partner (and not yours) and he doesn’t want to remove himself from that dynamic, you're going to struggle. Good luck with it, I know it’s a nightmare when you don’t get on with in laws

Coyoacan · 30/12/2023 15:00

Sugargliderwombat · 30/12/2023 13:53

I think you are deflecting your issues onto his sister. Your issue is him. Plenty of people have difficult in laws but they muddle through because the husband usually has at least some loyalty to their partner.

I agree with this entirely.

I don't say you should LTB, that is up to you, but it would help solve the problem if you identified where the problem is.

DeeLusional · 30/12/2023 15:52

And yet you had 2 more children with him............

Original poster
katiekay85 · 30/12/2023 16:07

DeeLusional · 30/12/2023 15:52

And yet you had 2 more children with him............

Yes I had 3 more actually and one died 18 days old, what is ur point? We love each other we are a family and I’ve highlighted an issue we have with his family and looking for advice not to be judged or insulted by someone who knows nothing about me or him or what we’ve been through so thanks for ur input but fuck off

OP posts:
LangMayYerLumReek2024 · 30/12/2023 16:17

DH problem

Although the family sound unhinged too. His behaviour to you is appalling

DeeLusional · 30/12/2023 17:42

katiekay85 · 30/12/2023 16:07

Yes I had 3 more actually and one died 18 days old, what is ur point? We love each other we are a family and I’ve highlighted an issue we have with his family and looking for advice not to be judged or insulted by someone who knows nothing about me or him or what we’ve been through so thanks for ur input but fuck off

Show quote history

No offence meant. Condolences for the loss of your child.