I'm in deep pain and need a holding hand

[shininglight16]

I need some strong advice here as I've been going through a lot since a very long time. I'm not even sure if you all will be able to understand me or relate to some of the things I say as I'm South East Asian and our cultures differ in many ways.

I grew up in a European country but spent a few of my teen years in my home country and those were the best years of my life. In my European school, I was bullied for my race, my looks, my name, my culture and for being different to them. Prior to the bullying, I was a bright child, academically gifted and had a spark in me to make it big in life. I was creative and enjoyed doing/learning different things.

At home, things weren't that great. I never saw my mom happy, my dad was either working or gambling and there were lots of fights. My dad never succeeded in life although he did provide us with everything he could. I was going through an inner turmoil because of the bullying but couldn't make my parents understand what I was going through. I did write them a letter which they were sad to read but they couldn't understand how to deal with the bullying and it was never fully resolved. My mom would and still does many q times compare me to her friends daughters for being stronger, smarter, brighter. It hurts, I know I'm not that great but some appreciation/encouragement/motivation would have really boosted my confidence.

In short, I grew up having no role models, very low self-esteem and lack of confidence. Now in my late 30's and still the same, as I've had so many set backs.

I didn't date the right men and was always treated pretty poorly. My bad choice in men knocked my confidence down further.

I've also done everything late in life, got married late, had kids late, started my career late etc. I feel like an absolute failure. I have been experiencing clinical depression and I don't know what's keeping me going on. Had issues with my husband and terrible in-laws, who ruined my breastfeeding journey as well.

I feel everyone sees me as a weak individual who they can bully and take for granted. I'm unable to focus on things, unable to enjoy life, have put on 6 stone (no kidding) and find comfort in food. I'm spiralling into a dark zone and I don't know how to come out of it. I moved to the UK after marriage and haven't been able to make friends. It's hard, very hard. I'm an empath with a very high emotional quotient and I seek happiness from people, but they end up disappointing in some way or the other.

I also feel I can't cope living in a country that's grey, gloomy and dark half of the year. I was the one who made the terrible decision of moving to the UK, we had pretty decent jobs back home but we thought our quality of life would be better here. It has only been worse, leading to the deterioration of my mental health.

We can't go back to our home countries as we wouldn't be able to get those jobs back or anything remotely similar. No point doing other jobs where the income will be significantly lower and there will be no work life balance in the private sector.

I also hate my MIL, for her constant criticism, for jeopardizing my breastfeeding journey and for trying to dominate me in every way possible. She's a despicable woman, and my blood boils everytime she calls, which is everyday.

I also have had issues with my husband, mainly his lack of career progression. He's dyslexic and hasn't been able to get good jobs. We can't survive on his income alone
Had we been able to do so, I could have focused on my health. My parents too are getting old and they depend on me for a lot of things. I spend most of my time trying to please others, but they're never satisfied or happy, especially my mom who's very bitter and has a sharp tongue. She's always displaying anger and getting worked up for small things. I wanted to make her happy, I failed. I wanted to succeed in life, I failed. I wanted lovely in-laws, that too failed. I want to live in my home country not in the UK as I find it very depressing and unsafe, but that plan has failed too.

I have a small baby who I want to do everything for, but my mental health has been so poot that I'm failing as a mother too.

I want to be happy, I want to achieve all the things I've always wanted to do in life, I want a happy family, I want to go back and I want to see my parents happy before they're gone.

Please help me, I need a holding hand and I need Mumsnetters to share their wisdom and tell me what should I do. I can't live my life like this, I'm in deep pain.

Hi @shininglight16 , so sorry to read of what you're going through. I hope someone will post soon with some constructive advice for you but I didn't want to read and run, just offer a handhold really. One thing I will offer is that, throughout your post, it feels like you have lived a lot of your life feeling like in one way or another you're not good enough. That in itself can be a very painful mindset and will partly be because of all the bullying you suffered, which damaged your self-concept and your basic feeling of being secure in the world. Now you seem to be telling yourself that it's your responsibility to make your parents happy, but that simply isn't true and doesn't help you feel better about who you are. As a parent yourself now you might be discovering that, if anything, it's the other way around. Your child won't thrive if s/he feels deep down that your happiness is her/his responsibility, and it was the same when you were growing up except that nobody ever told you that. Now you can start to put your happiness before that of your parents, maybe for the first time in your life. They are as happy as they make their minds up to be. Are they concerned about your happiness? Have they ever shown any genuine curiosity about what would make you happy? I realise your cultural background might be a factor here but even so, it could be really helpful for you to notice women from your culture who have managed to somehow challenge some of the prevailing expectations of them and focus on their own fulfillment first and foremost.

Although that's only part of what you're struggling with, it's somewhere to start. If you put your own happiness (and that of your child) first, you'll begin to feel less of a failure. You're only afraid to think of your happiness as a priority because you've been conditioned, one way or another, to think everyone else's needs take precedence over your own, and that has very understandably beaten you down. Live for yourself in any way you can!

I agree with the previous poster, but I also think it’s a bit unfair to criticise your husband lack of career progression. Why should you survive on his income alone? Most families need two incomes these days, that’s normal. I hope this doesn’t sound too mean but your post sounds very passive, as if you are blaming everyone around you for your place in the world. I think you should take ownership of your own life - stop relying on other people’s feedback for your self esteem and happiness. Do you want to stay in your marriage? If so then what would improve it? Do you want to leave the Uk? If so then what does that require?

your happiness is in your own hands, no fairy is going to wave a wand and change your circumstances so you have to be pro-active and make some decisions to change the situation you find yourself in. Your breastfeeding journey may not have worked out the way you wanted but if it’s over then you should focus on the other benefits you can give your child- optimism, resilience, strength. Don’t be a passive people pleaser, that’s not a good role model. Take control of your own life.

I don't really mean to blame anyone here @Countessofcrisps I'm just very depressed to be able to do anything. My mental health is in a bad state and I can't seem to come out of it, hence, the holding hand needed.

With regards to my husband, I don't mean to say that I'm going to live off my husband, but his lack of effort in progressing further and not being focused/wasting prime years has made it challenging for us to grow. I'm the higher earner with a stable job whereas my husband's career has always been erratic.

I'd like to get on with life without feeling this pain inside me, I wake up with a feeling of unhappiness, pain in my heart and a sense of melancholy.