Dating after being widowed

[InstrumentsofTorture]

I've been on and off mn all day today and have seen several threads where bereaved people have gone on to date. I'd love to have a discussion about dating in these circumstances. Or about finding people to date!

I'm 59 and its now nearly 7 years since I lost my dh. I'm not entirely sure that I'm ready to date even now - but my question is where do you find partners that you actually want?!

I have had a very short relationship since dh died and I was admittedly sad about that one ending. And I've had several invitations which I've declined, and various compliments which I've appreciated - but they've not been from people I'd be interested in dating.

I just can't see that I will ever find anyone who will tick the boxes I want ticked so I'm really interested in where people find new partners particularly at our age.

I don't even really know if I actually want a partner, and I wouldn't do online dating. But I also am not sure I want to live the rest of my life without love and intimacy.

I wonder how you met the person you did have a relationship with?

I chose online dating because I wanted my dating to be private and separate from my friends, neighbours and work. I met only with people who lived in a different place.

If I'd wanted to date locally I guess I would have put the word out among everyone I knew that I was dating, and I'd have said yes to invitations.

But you don't have to; you don't have to date and it doesn't have to be a relationship that looks like what you had in the past

Thanks for your reply @PermanentTemporary . You know people say that it won't come knocking on your door - in the case of my short relationship, it did! He was a plumber who came to fix a leak.

It's interesting that you say you chose online dating because you wanted to be private. One of the reasons I don't want to use it is because I don't like the thought of my picture being up on a site for people I might know to see.

Have you found a partner/partners can I ask?

Yes.

I spent a year doing casual sex dating (doesn't sound like it's for you) with occasional relationship dates to test the water, and then Covid happened. I was still in touch with a few of the casual guys but gradually found i didn't want to go back to that. I did three different relationship dates, met dp, binned off the casual guys and we just kept seeing each other.

My 'difficulty' is that I'm not prepared to live without sex. Maybe I also have quite a practical view of relationships.

I'm pleased you've found someone - was your dp an online find?

It's not so much that I don't do casual sex, it's more that I rarely see anyone I'd want to have sex with. I think maybe the plumber has spoiled this for me - apart from late dh, he was the only man in decades I looked at and found attractive, and wanted to have sex with! And the sex was very good, and I'm struggling to think I'd be lucky enough to find that again.

To me the sex comes first and the attraction kind of follows that; to me at least at that time, sex was a hobby. Anyway, yes I met dp online. By that time I do think I was fairly good at reading between the lines of online profiles - I'd had all sorts of ups and downs including being scammed, luckily not for long.

He i actually did fancy from the start though. It's never been a struggle with him.

Why did you and the plumber not work out ? Curious.

I think I panicked a bit @FishPie2. It all felt a bit too much too soon, and bizarrely, the fact that I had apparently met someone eminently suitable so soon, felt too easy. I know that probably doesn't make sense!

As it happens, he is now back with his long term partner after being apart for about 18 months.

Well I'm glad you're sorted (as it were) @PermanentTemporary and thank you for sharing.