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Original poster

Teenagers and pressure from family

14 replies

elliejjtiny · 29/12/2023 00:34

We have 3 teenage boys aged 17, 15 and 13. All 3 are autistic and are ok academically but huge struggles with social skills. Older 2 have friends, younger one struggles with that. 15 year old tried asking a girl out once, ended in disaster with her traumatised and him in hdu at the hospital. I don't think he is keen to repeat the experience. 13 year old has hormones with a capital H if you get my drift but he doesn't know how to express his emotions. It's quite stressful actually.

Anyway, as it's Christmas we have been with extended family more than usual. I feel like I've spent so much time asking various relatives to stop asking my boys if they have girlfriends. Mil met FIL when she was 17 so she's been saying to ds1 that he should have a girlfriend by now etc. Ds2 got given unwanted dating tips and DH's nan went on and on about how she saw ds3 talking to a girl last week and how it was lovely to see 2 young people in love etc. They are not in love. They have met each other 3 times and they both have quite serious issues.

I remember similar things happening to me when I was about their ages. Relatives at weddings telling me it would be my turn next etc. Acceptable banter in the 90's but not appropriate now and I'm not having it. So I keep telling them no, and getting eye rolls and being told I'm being silly and over protective. I'm getting flashbacks to when I was unreasonable for not letting them give ds1 mashed potatoes and gravy at 5 months old.

Thankfully normal service has been resumed and I don't have to see them as often but I just wanted to check it was normal to find that kind of thing totally unacceptable? Apart from anything else, the dc have done so well to have the social skills they have. Ds1 didn't understand what a friend was when he was 4 but now he has 7 friends who he sees outside of college. I don't want them to think that they are not doing well because they haven't got girlfriends or boyfriends.

OP posts:
FannyFifer · 29/12/2023 00:38

What on earth happened in asking a girl out that ended up with her traumatised & him hospitalised in HDU?

Original poster
elliejjtiny · 29/12/2023 00:47

He took an overdose. Sorry, I was trying to do the short version as I'd already typed a really long post and then I touched the wrong but if the screen and the whole lot disappeared.

OP posts:
Talipesmum · 29/12/2023 00:53

YANBU. I’ve got 13 and 15 year old boys. None of our extended family has asked them that kind of question. I can only imagine someone v v out of touch or socially inept asking that. I always hated that kind of question as a teen, wanted to turn inside out with embarrassment.

Can you teach them that it’s a stupid invasive question people will sometimes ask, and arm them with a short response? Frankly if people aren’t taking obvious cues I wouldn’t know what to do. It’s not nice to be around those who are trying to embarrass others.

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Talipesmum · 29/12/2023 00:55

And also, it’s a bad q to ask as “fun banter” because how do any of your relatives know if they’re straight or gay? Being quizzed about girlfriends if that’s not your interest is doubly awful, and would just serve to make the poor kid feel extra excluded.

FannyFifer · 29/12/2023 00:58

elliejjtiny · 29/12/2023 00:47

He took an overdose. Sorry, I was trying to do the short version as I'd already typed a really long post and then I touched the wrong but if the screen and the whole lot disappeared.

I'm so sorry, poor wee chap, totally not appropriate for relatives to be asking daft questions about girlfriends then.

14Q · 29/12/2023 01:03

It's really stupid for them to ask your kids about girlfriends. How do your boys react? Have you told them it's ok if they don't want to answer.
Have you explained to your relatives why it's not ok?

Dizzy82 · 29/12/2023 01:05

My son's just turned 18 and has ASD, I'm fed up of my mum asking him about girls and his dad winding him up if he mentions a girl he's talked to. Some people are oblivious of how they come across when talking to others.

user1492757084 · 29/12/2023 01:27

Explain to the boys that their relatives all love to see them but will sometimes ask them awkward questions from the olden days. They grew up in a different era. They are just trying to start a conversation.

Get the boys to practice answers to confronting questions.
Get them to be good at changing the topic to something they feel comfortable talking about.

Do you have a girlfriend...
No, do you have one?
No, and I'm not looking for one yet. I like to play soccer ...
No, but I'm saving for a car ....

You're old enough for a girlfriend..
No, I don't want one yet. Would you like a sandwich?
No, when you were my age you had more time for play. I work, I study and I have a hobby that takes lots of time .....

TheTecknician · 29/12/2023 08:10

The answer to all these noseyparker questions is 'Mind your own business'.

whatthehellnow23 · 29/12/2023 12:09

To be fair to them I think it's generational but they should listen and stop when you say it makes the kids uncomfortable.
My MIL is always asking our older 3 about partners (16 yr old has a girlfriend, 20yr old has never had anyone and 17 year old is still figuring out who she likes but has not held a torch as yet)

I politely mentioned to MIL not to go on about boyfriends to 17F as we get the impression she may not have decided on her preference's yet etc so it might make her feel awkward that it's always boys mentioned but she still says it all the time which is annoying.

Lalalanding · 29/12/2023 13:06

Some people suggest ND people struggle with social skills but that a whole other level of intrusive behaviour by the extended family members. I think you need to teach the boys a response to these questions that stomps a boundary down.

Original poster
elliejjtiny · 30/12/2023 17:01

Thankyou. Ds1 and ds2 are both really good at comebacks. Ds3 doesn't often listen unless it's about star wars so most of it goes over his head anyway. Tbh I know how to deal with it, I just wanted reassurances that I wasn't being overprotective as my in-laws often say I am.

OP posts:
Starboy14 · 30/12/2023 17:16

Even as an adult, those questions regarding boyfriends/girlfriends bug the hell out of me. It's like you are less of a person if single. God help anyone who asks my kids those questions when they are older . Putting any kind of pressure on young people to conform is a definite no no for me.

I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties your son had.

ilovebagpuss · 30/12/2023 17:26

I know it's not seen as appropriate now but I do think if they are usually kind and loving relatives then it can be dealt with, without fall out if possible.
We get this sort of thing from my older relatives and I often intervene and say "oh this generation aren't all for settling down young, they just have friends" or my DD's just say "no not seeing anyone, I'm enjoying my subjects though" or if they can ask them about when they met their love/first date and get them reminiscing.
It's painful for the youngster's but it is just a stock question to try and start a chat I find.
If they won't give it up then maybe you have to say before the next get together not to go on about girlfriends please.

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