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Original poster

Is this weird behaviour?

23 replies

Bepopp · 28/12/2023 19:07

Someone in our family often expresses their upset that there is no one interested in spending time with them, their other half and their DC who is not yet 18 months. They claim they constantly make an effort with others but it is not reciprocated and they don’t understand why not.

Just before Christmas we had our annual wider family meet up at someone’s house. Their DC was pottering around as toddlers do, trying to play with the older kids, grabbing the host’s dog‘s tail, running round the lounge. At one point their toddler DC stumbled over to a relative and put her arms out to steady herself. Relative caught her under the arms and lifted her onto her knee for a cuddle. Toddler cuddled back. One of DCs parents leapt up and snatched them back from this relative’s arms. Relative didn’t react and just looked a bit confused.

It was so awkward, everyone went a bit quiet as they didn’t know what to say. DCs parent loudly told the room, ‘I don’t want her mixing with strangers that she doesn’t know, in case that wasn’t clear.’ For the rest of the night the DC was carried by one parent or the other, and they were twisting and turning and trying to get down and then crying in frustration that they weren’t allowed to get down.

DC parent is now blaming two other adults in the family, one of which is toddler’s grandparent for ‘allowing’ toddler to run up to the relative who she doesn’t know very well. Apparently it’s their fault they were allowed to mix and it’s crossed a line and is disrespectful. They have said they won’t be allowed the privilege of seeing DC again until they apologise for not stopping them going to that relative, or any other unknown person as they don’t like strangers and get freaked out by them. I didn’t see any evidence of this personally

I can’t see how anyone has to apologise here but am I wrong?

OP posts:
PTSDBarbiegirl · 28/12/2023 19:12

Yes, it's very odd. Is this usual behaviour or could the mother be suffering some MH post birth? If this is within their range of normal I'm afraid I'd be steering well clear. Don't want to be accused of something. Possibly take family member aside and explain its not acceptable and why. Must have been upsetting for gp's. Very odd, over the top, selfish behaviour.

Original poster
Bepopp · 28/12/2023 19:14

PTSDBarbiegirl · 28/12/2023 19:12

Yes, it's very odd. Is this usual behaviour or could the mother be suffering some MH post birth? If this is within their range of normal I'm afraid I'd be steering well clear. Don't want to be accused of something. Possibly take family member aside and explain its not acceptable and why. Must have been upsetting for gp's. Very odd, over the top, selfish behaviour.

Usual behaviour, they have a tendency to be passive aggressive and fake sounding but it’s one of those 50/50 where I never know how to interpret them

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ANightmareBeforeChristmas · 28/12/2023 19:17

They have said they won’t be allowed the privilege of seeing DC again until they apologise for not stopping them going to that relative, or any other unknown person as they don’t like strangers and get freaked out by them.

Tell them they and their DC will always be welcome, but you won't be offering unneeded apologies.

Don't pander to this attention-seeking behaviour and game playing.

Interested in this thread?

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Families
PTSDBarbiegirl · 28/12/2023 19:19

Sounds obsessive and the sort of things that will shrink the child's life, in turn shrinking parents life experiences. How will they cope when child goes to a school and is completely in the care of strangers. Ime this is the type who can't cope with their child adoring teachers. Presuming one child?

Original poster
Bepopp · 28/12/2023 19:25

PTSDBarbiegirl · 28/12/2023 19:19

Sounds obsessive and the sort of things that will shrink the child's life, in turn shrinking parents life experiences. How will they cope when child goes to a school and is completely in the care of strangers. Ime this is the type who can't cope with their child adoring teachers. Presuming one child?

Good question. Only one so far

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mindutopia · 28/12/2023 19:26

It’s odd, yes. My assumption would be one of two things:

(1) there is some underlying anxiety about physical contact with adults they don’t trust that comes out of personal experiences you may not understand.

(2) there is a particular concern about this specific family member or even another one in the room.

I have to say I wouldn’t feel comfortable with a random adult who I didn’t know well or didn’t trust sitting my child on their lap. Now I wouldn’t announce it to the room, but I would step in and intervene if someone did something that made me feel uncomfortable. This comes from my own personal experiences with people in my life who weren’t trustworthy.

Similarly, we have family members who we do not allow to have contact with our dc. Some of them, we absolutely would never see, no matter the occasion. They just wouldn’t be allowed in the same room with us. Another we have been on an occasion attended a family event were the person was there, but we steered clear and they knew to stay away from us. If one of them had picked up my child, no I probably wouldn’t have put them down again. These people have previously been convicted of CSA against a child in the wider family. Many people there wouldn’t have known the backstory so probably would have thought our behaviour was pretty weird.

My guess though is it’s more likely to be #1 and comes from anxiety about the parents’ own experiences. It’s not as uncommon as you’d imagine.

Original poster
Bepopp · 28/12/2023 19:30

mindutopia · 28/12/2023 19:26

It’s odd, yes. My assumption would be one of two things:

(1) there is some underlying anxiety about physical contact with adults they don’t trust that comes out of personal experiences you may not understand.

(2) there is a particular concern about this specific family member or even another one in the room.

I have to say I wouldn’t feel comfortable with a random adult who I didn’t know well or didn’t trust sitting my child on their lap. Now I wouldn’t announce it to the room, but I would step in and intervene if someone did something that made me feel uncomfortable. This comes from my own personal experiences with people in my life who weren’t trustworthy.

Similarly, we have family members who we do not allow to have contact with our dc. Some of them, we absolutely would never see, no matter the occasion. They just wouldn’t be allowed in the same room with us. Another we have been on an occasion attended a family event were the person was there, but we steered clear and they knew to stay away from us. If one of them had picked up my child, no I probably wouldn’t have put them down again. These people have previously been convicted of CSA against a child in the wider family. Many people there wouldn’t have known the backstory so probably would have thought our behaviour was pretty weird.

My guess though is it’s more likely to be #1 and comes from anxiety about the parents’ own experiences. It’s not as uncommon as you’d imagine.

Thank you for your reply.

They resent the specific relative for not ‘being present’ enough. But they also say that about everyone, including their in-laws.

OP posts:
LakeTiticaca · 28/12/2023 19:32

I think they have answered their own question about nobody wanting to engage with them. Little wonder when they kick off when a relative stopped the baby from falling and gave them a little cuddle. It's hardly child abduction is it?
I wouldn't really want to be in the company of people who behave that way

Original poster
Bepopp · 28/12/2023 19:40

LakeTiticaca · 28/12/2023 19:32

I think they have answered their own question about nobody wanting to engage with them. Little wonder when they kick off when a relative stopped the baby from falling and gave them a little cuddle. It's hardly child abduction is it?
I wouldn't really want to be in the company of people who behave that way

I am starting to feel just the same

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Original poster
Bepopp · 28/12/2023 19:45

I worry they could have PND but tbh they were like this long before they had the child just in other ways

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Original poster
Bepopp · 28/12/2023 20:37

ANightmareBeforeChristmas · 28/12/2023 19:17

They have said they won’t be allowed the privilege of seeing DC again until they apologise for not stopping them going to that relative, or any other unknown person as they don’t like strangers and get freaked out by them.

Tell them they and their DC will always be welcome, but you won't be offering unneeded apologies.

Don't pander to this attention-seeking behaviour and game playing.

Yeah I definitely don’t want to get into a back and forth.

OP posts:
Tighginn · 28/12/2023 20:40

Abused by someone in the wider family?

dontgobaconmyheart · 28/12/2023 20:44

Very odd and provocative behaviour. They sound unpleasant to be around, and are clearly the problem.

I agree with those making clear that no apology will be forthcoming but they are always welcome if they want to amend their behaviour, which made everyone uncomfortable.

Tittiesthattouchmytors · 28/12/2023 20:44

They sound hard work.

Original poster
Bepopp · 28/12/2023 20:45

Tighginn · 28/12/2023 20:40

Abused by someone in the wider family?

No. Claim they love everyone and put lots of effort in but it’s never matched so they always feel it’s one sided. You can see them looking annoyed when people pay less attention to their DC and turn their focus on an older child or the dog or whatever

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Original poster
Bepopp · 28/12/2023 20:54

Tittiesthattouchmytors · 28/12/2023 20:44

They sound hard work.

They are, I almost hope that they are just thinking a bit weirdly right now rather than inherently bad in character

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Deathraystare · 29/12/2023 08:51

Well the relative would not have been a stranger if they had introduced the child to them!

DobbyRuth · 29/12/2023 08:59

On the face of it, I would find this behaviour odd.

However, I suspect something has caused this sensitivity from the parents. My friend told me recently that she has a pedophile in her family, I’m not sure when it came to light, but she said she remembers sitting on his lap as a child! It has made me think twice about trusting people just because they are a ‘family friend’ / distant relative.

Original poster
Bepopp · 29/12/2023 09:01

Deathraystare · 29/12/2023 08:51

Well the relative would not have been a stranger if they had introduced the child to them!

Relative has always been interested but apparently not enough. Seems like one of the parents is also jealous of relative (who only knows why… they have no need to be!!) but the parent has always made digs at this relative.

Nonetheless, the DC was beaming to see everybody so no obvious sign they were ‘freaked out’ by strangers…

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Silverbirchtwo · 29/12/2023 09:10

What did they think the not very well known relative was going to do? As others have said do they know something you don't know? Anyway nothing bad was going to happen with the whole family watching.

And why then stop the poor child getting down to play with anyone, sounds cruel. Embarrassing for all concerned, but no apologies necessary except from the parents who should apologise for over reacting.

Original poster
Bepopp · 29/12/2023 09:19

DobbyRuth · 29/12/2023 08:59

On the face of it, I would find this behaviour odd.

However, I suspect something has caused this sensitivity from the parents. My friend told me recently that she has a pedophile in her family, I’m not sure when it came to light, but she said she remembers sitting on his lap as a child! It has made me think twice about trusting people just because they are a ‘family friend’ / distant relative.

I would agree with you however it’s quite a close relation (think cousin, step sibling, niece) that kind of thing and there is no negative bad history other than the parent not liking them!

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Original poster
Bepopp · 29/12/2023 09:22

Silverbirchtwo · 29/12/2023 09:10

What did they think the not very well known relative was going to do? As others have said do they know something you don't know? Anyway nothing bad was going to happen with the whole family watching.

And why then stop the poor child getting down to play with anyone, sounds cruel. Embarrassing for all concerned, but no apologies necessary except from the parents who should apologise for over reacting.

So it turns out the parents - we will call Bob and Sue - didn’t want relative interacting with their child because they feel like the relative doesn’t actually care about talking to Bob and Sue, and hadn’t said hello to them in the 20 minutes they had been there. They were annoyed they interacted with their kid but hadn’t had a conversational them. It wasn’t intentional, just the way things went. Apparently in order to know and spend time with their child they need to show more of an interest in the parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bepopp · 29/12/2023 15:30

I think I just have to stay away from them, tbh. They seem to have lots of issues. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it though as it just seems weird to me

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