Vicarious enjoyment?

[QuietlyInTheCorner]

I'll caveat this by saying I am autistic but I wondered of anyone else - ND or NT experiences this. I don't think it's an 'autistic thing' but I also don't know anyone else who feels like this.

I don't really know how to explain this so I'll give examples.

When I was a child, I went to a birthday party at a theme park. I didn't go on any of the rides but opted to stand with the adults and hold coats and watched everyone else on the rides. I had no desire to go on myself - I just enjoyed watching my friends having fun, smiling and enjoying themselves.

Now, as an adult, I'm not really much different. I like to go to places and do things but my enjoyment is derived mainly from watching other people have fun rather than experiencing it myself.

I'm asking because my partner and I have been invited to a NYE party. It's fancy dress. I like the idea of fancy dress. It's just fun and people enjoy it. But I have no desire to take part. It makes me feel really uncomfortable.

I went to a gig last night. I must have been the only person in the room not dancing. I find the crowd a bit overwhelming and the way I deal with that best is to just shut of into own world. But it means I don't move at all. I realised when my back was aching that I'd not shifted at all for about an hour. And then I went an sat outside where I could still hear the music but wasn't part of the crowd. I love seeing and hearing other people enjoying themselves but have no desire to get into the middle of it in any way.

My garden backs onto a train station. Sometimes I lie in bed listening to the sound of people laughing, talking and singing as they get off the train after night out. Again, it doesn't even bother me if it wakes me up. I love hearing the sound of people enjoying themselves without needing to be part of it or experience it first hand.

My partner knows amd understands this but I do worry it must be a bit boring for him especially when I can see other people having fun with their partners and I get more enjoyment from watching other people participating than doing so myself.

I definitely have this and can relate to these exact examples! I don’t mind going on a few
rides but don’t want to be thrown about on massive roller coasters - but I do really enjoy seeing the DC go on them, their faces afterwards, them chatting about it. And while I do dance occasionally I do also very much enjoy sitting at the side and seeing everyone else have fun. I don’t feel left out or morose at all!

My mum is like this in a way, but she's not there to see it, she just hears about it.

She hears from her relatives about their grandchildren and she enjoys it immensely. It's all she talks about. If someone she has met maybe once or even not at all goes on holiday or has a day out she is so excited. It makes her so happy.

The problem is when she expects her own children and grandchildren to not go on holidays, days out or meals out because they don't need to because she can tell them about someone's else's day out. The message being that fun is for other people.

It's affected all our confidence tbh. I have at various points felt tempted to tell the people who are telling her this stuff what she is doing and then they might not tell her the details.

I do think my mum might be on the autism spectrum but I am not trying to slap a diagnosis on her.

I'm sure you are not imposing this on anyone else so it's all good.

Interesting.

It's not a choice I make because I don't like an aspect of doing it though. I just enjoy watching other people doing things more than I enjoy doing them myself. Regardless of who it is.

I can see why you'd get enjoyment from watching your own children do something but I have no emotional.connection to complete strangers

No, I'd never impose it on anyone else.

There have been times I've stayed at home and let my partner go out to gigs without me because I know that if he's there on his own/with friends he'll dance but if I'm there, he usually stands with me. That makes me uncomfortable. I tell him to go and dance if he wants to but he always says he doesn't.

I've always loved it when my children have gone and done things on their own. They've got tickets for Taylor Swift next year and so are going for a weekend in London.

I do go to places and do things but I'd rather be able to see other people enjoying themselves. If I'm doing it myself it's not the same.

I like to be there but have no desire to participate.

Yes, I'm a bit like this. I say 'a bit' because, while I do have certain oddnesses that suggest ND, I'm not diagnosed with any - and I love 'doing' as well as observing.

It seems many people share this capacity. It's normal to enjoy watching dancers, for instance, or skateboarders. If I'm on something like a fairground ride, most of my kicks come from sharing the response with other riders - and that can be done from the ground as well!

It's part of everyday human empathy, I think ...