How to ask colleagues personal questions

[KimGa]

I’m starting a new job next week which is hybrid remote. My last job was hybrid remote too and I joined a team in 2021 who had worked together pre-pandemic in the office full-time. One of the things I found hard was that as a result they all knew lots about each others’ lives and on the odd days we were all in the office I would often hear them talking about personal stuff I felt I just couldn’t join in with as I hadn’t got the background knowledge on stuff e.g. living situations, reasons for house moves etc. I’m an introvert so struggle sometimes socially anyway. I feel I should have asked more
polite but non-intrusive questions early on.

So now I’m joining a new team I’ll only see a day or so a week how do I avoid feeling like this again? I want to ask my new colleagues basic stuff like who they live with / if they have children etc etc but I think I’ll be too worried about sounding nosy/phrasing it wrong. I also obviously want them to see I’m focussed on learning the new job first and foremost..but I think I did this at the expense of forming personal connections last time.

saraclara I’m sorry to hear about your husband, but 99% of the people on this thread have suggested “what are your plans for the weekend” as a great opener, and you’ve basically then said not to do that. What would your suggestion be instead then?

It really puts me off when people I don’t know well enough ask me personal questions.

For example, I live in a country different to the one I was born and raised in and I don’t like it one bit when people ask me how I came to live here when I’ve only just met them. Not for any reason, it just feels intrusive. You have to earn people’s trust over time.

Ask generic questions about weekends and work adjacent ones, like how long they’ve been working there, where they were before, what their degree is in, etc.

I wouldn’t say asking who someone lives with is basic, I’d wait a bit and wait for them to offer that up. It’s a hard one, my colleagues are intrusive and it makes me close up more. One in particular is always bloody digging.

@MrsHughesPinny totally agree! I used to be open and chatty about personal stuff, never again! Two viscous colleagues used it to bully me with. Now you earn my trust.

Ouch no!

As someone who takes time to feel comfortable with new people this would do the total opposite of what you intended.
A formal-ish meeting of you asking personal questions would make me freeze.

Yes, that's a terrible idea! Do you really need to know anything about them? They are work colleagues not friends

@MargaretThursday and the other people who commented, maybe we work in very different industries but I'm quite senior at work and I appreciate the people I work with who do so much for me. 15 mins for a chat isn't much I don't think?

But if you're the boss, those 15 minute chats will probably feel a bit like an interview to your team members. And what are you going to do? Grill them about their family lives and their hobbies? I'd find that excruciating.

Formalised 15 minute 'let's chat' appointments are seen as a good idea to managers, but unless purely about work, not so much by junior team members.

And as a pp said, giving too much of yourself can be a risk.

Personal chats should just evolve, not be scheduled. My bosses and team members did eventually know a fair bit about my personal world, but only because that built up over time with things mentioned when it seemed natural or necessary to do so.

I had close relationships at work over time, but in general I'm a compartmentaliser, and being put in a situation where I was asked direct questions about my family and interests, would absolutely not be my bag.

@saraclara thank you for sharing your view point. I did mean from a work point of view that having those check ins that it then may evolve and that it's then much easier when you walk past that person in an office to recognise them and engage.
I totally recognise that experiences and industries vary so always helpful for me and the OP to hear.

I do think it would be good if it's from a work point of view. That would be useful.

Please do not do a 15 minute interview with new colleagues asking them (what may be to them) intrusive questions about their personal lives. I personally would die inside, freeze, be forced into generic lies and then despise you for it.
Maybe a general finding out what work role each person does. As it's a workplace. Where is good for lunch around here? Etc. Keep it light and relationships will come in time.

@KimGa just clarifying my most as it's clearly gone down badly! I didn't mean to grill anyone- I work in an industry like many were work relationships are really important, in a organisation that prides itself on values and behaviours and I think finding what makes people tick is part of this.
So the 15 min thing what I meant was where you can say 'hi my name is x, I joined recently from x place. What I really liked about the job I applied for here was was y; what do you like about working here? ... oh that's interesting; do our teams interact much...useful to know; I work part time as my partner is deployed at the moment etc etc' only of course if this is relevant or helpful.

For hybrid or remote roles, you do have to put more deliberate effort into building working relationships. Having an informal intro chat is one recommended way to start doing that when joining a new organisation.

Obviously it shouldn't be an interrogation about people's personal lives, but there's nothing wrong with talking to new colleagues about their working styles or how you'll work together and sharing a bit about your own work history / background / whatever etc.