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Original poster

How to ask colleagues personal questions

38 replies

KimGa · 27/12/2023 19:19

I’m starting a new job next week which is hybrid remote. My last job was hybrid remote too and I joined a team in 2021 who had worked together pre-pandemic in the office full-time. One of the things I found hard was that as a result they all knew lots about each others’ lives and on the odd days we were all in the office I would often hear them talking about personal stuff I felt I just couldn’t join in with as I hadn’t got the background knowledge on stuff e.g. living situations, reasons for house moves etc. I’m an introvert so struggle sometimes socially anyway. I feel I should have asked more
polite but non-intrusive questions early on.

So now I’m joining a new team I’ll only see a day or so a week how do I avoid feeling like this again? I want to ask my new colleagues basic stuff like who they live with / if they have children etc etc but I think I’ll be too worried about sounding nosy/phrasing it wrong. I also obviously want them to see I’m focussed on learning the new job first and foremost..but I think I did this at the expense of forming personal connections last time.

OP posts:
WonderingWanda · 27/12/2023 19:26

I think you ask generic non personal questions but listen out for details they might offer up about themselves. E.g. Did you do anything nice at the weekend? Yes I took my dd to the beach. Oh, how old is your dd? Or If they say ' Well I did a park run and then some diy' say 'Do you run a lot? And then talk about sport or exercise. I find you can't shut most people up, they are desperate to talk about themselves.

TheSnowyOwl · 27/12/2023 19:27

I would just try to make a point of chatting to them about the weekend whenever you are in the office and seeing where that conversation naturally takes you.

EmpressaurusOfCats · 27/12/2023 19:31

Or casually mention your partner / children / pets & see if they tell you about theirs. A guy joined our team at the start of Covid & it was about a year before we met him in person. I think at the first team meeting our line manager got everyone to go round & introduce themselves ‘Hi, I’m Empress, I live in West London with cats & like crochet’ - that sort of thing, so family circumstances all came out then.

By the time we met him in person he was just one of the team.

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Jennyjojo5 · 27/12/2023 19:34

I’m a huge extrovert and I find that complimenting people works a treat when you’re getting to know them in a new office )So something like ‘gosh I love your shoes!’ Or ‘I found your presentation to the team the other day so interesting!’ usually makes them feel at ease and gives you the opportunity to then open up a convo with them. It will also make them feel good and leaves them a positive connection with you.

TodayForTomorrow · 27/12/2023 19:39

"Did you do much/got much planned at the weekend?" Is the absolute bread and butter of workplace conversations. It springboards you into anything and everything and people will generally be happy to share little bits about themselves that you can then circle back to on another day.

"How did you get on with the estate agents?"
"Is your daughter feeling any better?"
"How was your weekend away?"

etc.

Beckafett · 27/12/2023 19:40

Could you ask for 15 mins with each person? And ask them what they like most about the job and how you can work best with them and any tips? I say hi to everyone in the office when I go in one day a week and ended up having chats making a brew which has then directly helped me- the 'oh you work with Jen don't you, she's only been back from maternity ten months' type stuff.
Or perhaps if you have a team meeting introduce yourself and your circumstances and others may follow?
I'd also mention to your managers as some are incredible at this type of stuff.
Hope you enjoy your new job!

LegoHeads · 27/12/2023 19:43

Did you have a good weekend? Any nice plans for Christmas? Can't wait for my summer holiday- what are you up to? etc etc. All easier questions to ask than "do you have children and/or a partner?", can elicit the same information and allow your colleagues to tell you about their private lives if they want or dodge it if they prefer (not everyone wants to share this stuff).

All2Well · 27/12/2023 19:44

Please don't ask questions like, "do you have children?", "are you married/in a relationship?. Wait for personal information like that to be volunteered and if it isn't, don't ask.

Professionallytorn · 27/12/2023 19:44

We write a little bio about ourselves with pics, or whatever we want to share, saved in a SharePoint file. Maybe ask if new Team do this ?

JenJenJenJenJenJen · 27/12/2023 19:47

Could you ask for 15 mins with each person? And ask them what they like most about the job and how you can work best with them and any tips?

I’d be really annoyed if a new recruit decided to take up my time to interview me.

Agree with others, OP, ask very broad questions and pick it up from there- “did you have a nice weekend” type questions.

OrigamiOwls · 27/12/2023 19:47

Beckafett · 27/12/2023 19:40

Could you ask for 15 mins with each person? And ask them what they like most about the job and how you can work best with them and any tips? I say hi to everyone in the office when I go in one day a week and ended up having chats making a brew which has then directly helped me- the 'oh you work with Jen don't you, she's only been back from maternity ten months' type stuff.
Or perhaps if you have a team meeting introduce yourself and your circumstances and others may follow?
I'd also mention to your managers as some are incredible at this type of stuff.
Hope you enjoy your new job!

I'd find it a bit odd if I got asked to what sounds like a 15 minute interview by a new starter tbh.

OrigamiOwls · 27/12/2023 19:49

I think start with open questions, about weekend plans etc - they are easy low pressure questions and not too intrusive

BeaRF75 · 27/12/2023 19:49

You don't. There is absolutely no need to ask "personal questions" at work. If people want you to know stuff, they'll tell you. If they don't want you to know, then they'll be offended by your questions. Let's face it, you're there to work not chitter chatter.

CanaryCanary · 27/12/2023 19:51

You really can’t ask people if they have children/who they live with. It would be weird and intrusive.

Go for open questions: were you up to much this weekend? Oh you’re on holiday next week, going anywhere nice?

Then let the conversation flow, and see what info they volunteer about their lives.

Rosecoffeecup · 27/12/2023 19:53

1 to 1 intro meetings have always been the done thing in places I've worked in, mostly to understand each person's role but I find it also helps to have "met" everyone before you see them in the office or start to have actual work meetings with them.

Just ask casual questions - how long have you worked here, are you local, any weekend plans etc

BlackBean2023 · 27/12/2023 19:55

BeaRF75 · 27/12/2023 19:49

You don't. There is absolutely no need to ask "personal questions" at work. If people want you to know stuff, they'll tell you. If they don't want you to know, then they'll be offended by your questions. Let's face it, you're there to work not chitter chatter.

Wondered how long it would be. You sound like a dream.

OP, I agree with PP. Just the odd question "what are you up to at the weekend" that you can follow up with a couple of other q's then ask how it went the following week. I work in a senior role and actually keep a note, on my phone, of things staff have told me on my travels around sites so I can make sure to ask things like "how's your puppy getting on?" "Did Rosie have a nice birthday party?" - for the most part it makes people feel like you care which is important for feeling like you belong at work.

christmaspawpaws · 27/12/2023 19:57

TodayForTomorrow · 27/12/2023 19:39

"Did you do much/got much planned at the weekend?" Is the absolute bread and butter of workplace conversations. It springboards you into anything and everything and people will generally be happy to share little bits about themselves that you can then circle back to on another day.

"How did you get on with the estate agents?"
"Is your daughter feeling any better?"
"How was your weekend away?"

etc.

That ^^
You pick up a lot by listening too
What are you having for tea/lunch also seems a popular one where I work!

I'll chat to anyone but I seem to have the "work mum" position which results in people often asking me way too personal advice GrinBlush

Morrisons00 · 27/12/2023 19:57

Some love to chat about themselves eg weekend activities etc, personally id begin with small chit chat eg weather then weekends etc and branch off on the topics they chat about

calamariqueen · 27/12/2023 20:02

I think getting to know your new team and wanting to find stuff out about them as people shows a huge amount of emotional intelligence OP. This is a skill that will definitely see you well with life. I was recently given the advice to write stuff down as I learn it, so that it doesn’t all have to be kept in your head. Useful for when you’re learning about lots of people all at once, but keep it password protected!!

Listen to the clues people give you & try not to get too worried about collecting information, just try and keep the conversation going.

rainbowbee · 27/12/2023 20:12

You never ask personal questions. You wait to be told what people are comfortable sharing in a workplace. Things like 'doing anything nice at the weekend?' are good generic questions to build on.
People will vary. We have a woman who will literally shout all kinds of really inappropriate personal stuff given half a chance. And others like myself who have a strong boundary between work/personal life.

Original poster
KimGa · 27/12/2023 20:19

Thanks, lots of useful tips to consider here, especially just asking generic things and going from there. Sounds obvious but I’m not a natural at that!

For me it’s definitely about hoping I can feel a sense of belonging within the team. I never fully felt this in my last role so I need to approach the early days better.

Compliments are a great suggestion. I am very aware that direct questioning is the wrong approach so will avoid and hope when I ask about their Christmas breaks they will all be keen to share!

OP posts:
Baffledandalarmed · 27/12/2023 20:20

TodayForTomorrow · 27/12/2023 19:39

"Did you do much/got much planned at the weekend?" Is the absolute bread and butter of workplace conversations. It springboards you into anything and everything and people will generally be happy to share little bits about themselves that you can then circle back to on another day.

"How did you get on with the estate agents?"
"Is your daughter feeling any better?"
"How was your weekend away?"

etc.

This!

‘How was your weekend?’ ‘Doing anything nice this weekend?’ Etc

Things like that come up naturally and people can say as much or as little as they want. Eventually you get to know them and can ask more specific questions.

I’m a v. private person and find probing questions uncomfortable but I open up a lot more with more generic ones.

BlackPhillipa · 27/12/2023 20:23

Becoming part of the team and getting to know people needs to be organic, not forced. I'd hate a new colleague/manager coming in and asking me questions about my home life. They're a stranger!

I choose to tell people things about myself as and when I choose once I've gotten to know someone. It has to happen naturally. I'd find it very intrusive if someone straight up started asking about my living situation and family.

saraclara · 27/12/2023 20:23

What did you do at/have you got plans for the weekend?' are questions I've hated for a lot of my life. Often I'm not doing anything, and I know they're going to come up with super exciting and busy stuff themselves.

The till staff at my local supermarket seemed to be trained to ask this stuff: "how's your day been?" (Shit actually, so what do I say now?)
"Got plans this evening? (No, just cleaning and the TV, but I really don't want to have to say that)

When my husband was dying these conversation starters were agonising.

christmaspawpaws · 27/12/2023 20:25

Just keep it light
TV/books/films/food/weekend plans/hobbies type stuff
Then if someone says "I went to watch X with my daughter/went for a run" it gives you more of a lead
Honestly most people are happy to talk about themselves if not the personal stuff

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