Can't get over ex.

[filthypride]

I have really tried. REALLY TRIED!

The relationship wasn't great. He wasn't nice to me. He resented me for being unwell. He couldn't handle the symptoms that came with my issues, which I totally understand. He felt stifled, held back by me in many ways although I never stopped him doing anything he wanted, he even went away several times.

Despite him hating me, cheating, making me cry all the time and dumping me so often I lost count, gaslighting me and being unkind, he was the love of my life. It sounds stupid writing it out, but some people get under our skin, and he definitely did mine.

It's been years now and I can't forget him. No matter how hard I try. We have no contact. He blocked me everywhere.

This isn't an 'I want him back' post cause I know he's happy with his partner which doesn't make me jealous at all, but I don't know what to do with the love that's still there.

He made me feel so unloved that I am terrified of meeting someone else. He pointed out how hard it was being with me and I always felt so guilty that he was put through that hell of being with someone like me.

I'm stuck in limbo and alongside everything else that I am going through, it's a lot.

What exactly is it you miss OP? It sounds like there was just a lot of negativity.

@FortheBeautyoftheEarth

That's the worst part, I don't know. All I know is that I adored him despite the shit bits. He couldn't have made it any more clear he didn't like me and I definitely wasn't a priority. I was right at the bottom of his list.. but he was the first man I truly loved.

I've had worse relationships where I've been beaten, had the verbal and mental abuse and I suppose because he didn't hurt me physically that was a huge bonus for me. Mentally and emotionally, broke my heart countless times.

I just miss him. We were engaged too, but I had to end it, not for me, for him. He wasn't shy in telling me how miserable he was, and that's why I had to go, I didn't want to make him feel that way. I know having mental conditions is challenging that's why I made the decision to end it, for him.

Is it more pronounced this time of year OP? I have a shit exh who I have been so happy without but Christmas he definitely got to me in my head again. I resisted the temptation to reach out and have explored what's missing in my life that I want him to meet needs of mine that he just can't. What is missing in your life and how can you fill that hole without it coming from an external source?