No card. No present. Not even a text.

[toodledo]

Backdrop: rocky relationship with mum for years, we speak every now and again. I haven't spent Christmas with her for years due to her abusive partner. She's made it clear she wants to improve our relationship though, I recently had an apology letter from her for all the horrible things she's put me through in my childhood.

I have 1 DC, 15 months. No presents this year for either of us, was told 'he doesn't need anything does he, you don't want more clutter in the house'. Which is her way of saying she's too broke to buy presents. Which is fine, I dont need anything and he doesn't know what Christmas is yet, except in the same breath she was talking about her upcoming trip abroad.

Christmas Day unacknowleged- no text, no call. I was in bed with norovirus, she would have known this as I told my brother who spent Christmas with her.

Is this non communication pretty crap or am I being sensitive? Mixed signals IMO, she wants to improve things but then doesn't do the bare minimum...

Did you text or call her? Did you se d a card or presents? Has to go both ways and sounds like she’s been making an effort recently

I don't think you're being over-sensitive. This would have hurt me, too

And frankly, if she can afford a holiday, she could afford at least a selection box, or a small light football for her grandchild.

I'm afraid that you will just have to accept that she is selfish and not rely on her getting him anything for Christmas, birthdays or any other occasion.

Personally I would return the compliment, snd not get her anything either.

Unless, of course, her abusive partner is the one manipulating the situation behind the scenes.

Pretty crap but it sounds as though she barely knows how to human. Is she in therapy? Are you? I’m sending hugs.
I’m sorry her behaviour is bound to hurt your heart and trying to protect yourself from hurt whilst also opening yourself to any gestures from her will inevitably create more pain. I hope you have sources of love elsewhere and can mentally put your mum in a box marked, ‘Broken, Can’t rely on’.

@Velvetbee yes very well put, thank you. I don't know why I always feel the need to check with others if this is shitty behaviour; probably because I don't have a solid reading of what normal looks like. I can't ever imagine not wishing my own DC merry Christmas!

@MiddleagedBeachbum interesting view, thanks. No I didn't, I actually don't really want a relationship with her, partly because she's so erratic. But she's made it clear she wants one with me, but only sometimes... I'm even more annoyed at myself that it bothers me.

@Emotionalsupportviper no call or text on my birthday either... I'm starting to keep track now. agree it wouldn't take much to send something small, although I also don't believe Christmas should be this overfrenzied spending spree.... but even a text would have been nice. Very possible her a-hole partner is puppeteering, he has done for years - but again, more fool on her for staying with him.

In my own experience bad mothers never improve they just mess you up even more as time goes on. Best left to get on with their own lives. We all hope things will be different and long for the love of our parents but there comes a time when we need to let go because it isn't going to happen. You will just be hurt again and again.

Agree.

She should decide who is important to her - the DD and grandchild she wants a relationship with (when she feels like it) or a manipulative abusive man.

Youneed to protect yourself and your child fro her - and he situation she is in - because she is toxic, and it will get worse when your child is old enough to realise that she is blowing hot and cold.