Feeling so stuck in the middle, awful mum

[tm123x]

Hi all - I’m just looking for reassurance I guess that I’m doing the right thing. For background my mum is a massive narc, she’s made up things about my partner to cause issues between us (all proven false) and used to keep notes of what I was doing - my movements etc when I lived at home with her when I was a teen/early adult. E.g if I was late home from uni one day she’d note it all down in a diary 😳 very bizarre.

anyway, I have since moved out and had 3 children with my partner. She hates him and excludes him from every event - he’s banned from the house and isn’t allowed over for Christmas etc. I’ve stopped going because of this as it’s not fair - she’s a snob and doesn’t like him as his background is being brought up on a council estate (she’s awful). He works hard and we have a lovely life because of him, so her hatred is just ridiculous.

Anyway, she’s text to say that she’d like me to bring the kids over tomorrow so she can give them presents and so I can have a drink with them! I don’t drink anyway and I just feel so awkward now as I truly don’t want to go over but I feel guilty as she’s bought the kids presents (she never spends time with them otherwise her choice). Am I being evil to say no? I would happily go no contact with her but I don’t even know how to go about it

Don't go. You sound like you are handling her well and are low contact anyway - keep doing that. Your husband and children are your family and your husband sounds fab - they come first.
She is just trying to wiggle her way in. Make up an excuse and grey rock.

You are definitely not being evil. Write back to say that unless your other half is also invited and made to feel welcome then you won't be able to come. Ball is in her court. But if you'd just prefer not to have contact, don't respond. With a bit of thinking time you might ponder if/how you might want to send a final message to confirm that you will be no contact going forward.

Assuming your husband loves you and puts you first, do the same for him and that means upsetting the Apple cart with your mum.

I had the same at one point with my parent and just said that without my husband I wouldn't be visiting at all. I eventually rebuilt the relationship over a long time but it has meant that contact is low and pretty much just me. My husband isn't bothered and my child has grown up not knowing their grandparent. No regrets.

Is she just give gifts to save face if someone asks if her grandchildren enjoyed Christmas and what she bought then?

If she does not engage with them to rest of the year why is she allowed to pick them up at Xmas and drop them for the rest of the year?

I'd put her on the back foot and invite her to yours instead to see the kids. If she is pleasant and makes the effort, good. If she wants it all her own way and refuses, well it's her choice and you can go LC or NC knowing you gave her a chance.

One November my dm flounced from my house.. Didn't see her for 10 years. She doesn't see my dc either.

In your shoes suggest a cafe and dh goes with you. If she chooses not to go that's her loss. Don't bow down to the promise of gifts for your dc.

Why would you go? Now is the perfect time to stick up for your husband and tell her the invite is for both of you or neither of you go.
He sounds like a good man and they are in short supply, find your backbone and fight for him.

Text back - ‘Thanks for the invite, Mum - is DP invited too?’

When she confirms he’s not, you know what your answer is.

Presents for the kids is dangling a carrot. Unless you really want to see her, do not bother. Surely your kids do not NEED presents under these circumstances.