For those of you who check your DC phones

[Sleepdeprived42long]

DC is 11 and has recently got his own phone. He knows I check it regularly and hasn’t got any issue with that. I don’t see anything mean or concerning so far but I can see what (as an adult) I think are some insensitive comments and he’s recently created and named a group chat ‘balls’ 🙈 I suppose I’m just asking where you draw the line-I mean do you talk about stuff that maybe is a bit inappropriate or just concentrate on checking if there’s anything unsafe/unkind going on?

I don't check any more as DS is nearly 16 but I used to. Honestly the "balls" thing wouldn't bother me at all. It's the type of silly "humour" I'd expect from an 11 year old.

When you say insensitive what do you mean? I pulled DS up once for telling a girl rudely to stop messaging him, nothing terrible just a sort of "go away/leave me alone" kind of thing, I just told him it's fine to ask her not to message but to be a bit politer about it.

Just keep an eye on what's actually being said in the chat.

Social media is the worst. DS asked for Snapchat at that age and I said no way.

I check regularly though less so now I've blocked Snapchat etc on it. He's 14 but not good with judging social communication "norms" and got it wrong a few times. I would talk to him about OTT swearing, anything remotely resembling misogyny or sharing memes etc that might be offensive. The school he attends is very on top of cyber bullying and online behaviour, if reported by a parent is taken very seriously which helps.

I strongly recommend a family app like Google family where you can control access, downtime, get alerts when things are downloaded, set age limits etc.

I wouldn't be bothered with a group called balls, it's just 11 year old humour. We have the family app so DS 11 can't download anything without us approving it. He's not allowed any social media and we do check his messages although he often shows us the 'funny' messages his friends have sent 🤣
He did get a text from someone calling him a dick but when we looked at the context of the messaging it was clearly meant in good humour but we did have a chat with him about it and cyber bullying.
To be honest we had more issues with bullying when he was playing fortnite online with his school friends, it got toxic, and he remove himself from that.

Hi, I check my DD 12 phone, we also have use Google family to manage app etc.
I have seen some comments on snapchat that I have spoken to her about that were said about her and her friends.I have ignored other comments.Keep talking to him about anything you feel he needs a chat about.

Thanks all. I do have parental controls on his phone and thankfully he’s not interested in social media (yet!). I think it’s just not quite knowing how far to ‘police’ the content of the chat itself but helpful to know that these aren’t things others would have pulled up (that’s how I’ve left things at the moment). I have spoken to him about being careful about what you write but the things I wouldn’t say as an adult I’m not sure an 11 year old quite has a grasp at yet (eg talking about the money he got for Xmas when I know from the mum of one of his friends that they’ve struggled this Xmas 😞). I can probably mention to him that he needs to be more sensitive about that sort of stuff without specifically mentioning the group chat though.

I check my son (13) phone from time to time and apart from every other word from his friends being “fuck”, it’s fine. And they aren’t mine to police. It’s normally stuff like “how the fuck did I fail biology” “what’s the fucking point of this fucking maths, it’s fucking impossible”
I don’t even mention I check it and I don’t do it very often as I figure at 13 he’s entitled to some privacy.
My 11 year old I check more regularly and have mentioned a few things, again, things his friends have said and how it’s not nice to talk about people in that way, even though it wasn’t him doing it.

I think one of the most important things to impress on him is that anything he writes or sends is eternal. It can be screenshot and sent on, posted online, kept for years. A handy and quite effective tool for this is "how would you feel if Grandma or your headteacher read / saw that? Anything you'd be embarrassed, ashamed or scared of them seeing is going to be a bad idea." As he gets older he'll be able to differentiate more easily what is appropriate in which context but for now, that's quite a good guide for him.

I just look for anything that could/does cause harm,to her or her friends.

The odd swear word or silly jokes I let them pass. If they weren't there in black and white, they would still think it/say it ,we just wouldn't know about it.