How far do you go with "enforcing" good manners?

[Illbefinejustbloodyfine]

For want of a better word. Dc2 - I am really struggling with the tone of voice and manner he uses.

He just wanted something that was behind dc1. He said , in a kind of aggressive tone "give me the X, get off it" . I asked him to try again. He said "GET OFF IT".

So we enter into this back and forth. You can have it when you ask for it in a reasonable manner. He knows what I mean. "Can I have the X please/please could you pass the X" any variation thereof. He just absolutely refused to. While I find it infuriating, I left it at "you can have it when you ask nicely" but he will not stop back chatting.

This is just one example, it can be multiple times a day.

People say ignore the bad but really?? I should ignore this? To me that gives the impression that it's acceptable.

@RancidRuby yes I should probably have put that in the OP. Why do the few hours a week override tge 6.5 days of "good manners modelling" from me?

I don't believe in ignoring unwanted behaviour. I don't think it's fair on children. If my children speak to me rudely, I calmly tell them that I don't appreciate them speaking to me like that and that I expect them to speak to me respectfully. I won't give them what they want if they are rude. Manners are very, very important to my husband and I. Our kids are 6 and 8.

It's probably just a bad example in the OP... But like hell I'd be cheerful at the prospect of having to "please" my sibling for anything! We were of similar age (my sibling and I) and around 6yo you could pick a random time of the day and it would be within 10mins of our last fight.
I was very polite at school and elsewhere but at home it was akin' to Succession and Hunger Games wrapped in one, where time wasted on every pleeeease could be better spent aiming the kick just right and not losing the face&status in the process. Had the best childhood 😁 😂

This is where I simply keep saying "pardon?" Until they ask nicely!

It works if they've been taught and modelled good manners because they know how to ask properly and it's just a game of wills.

I often joke with the kids I work with that I love their stubborn streak just as they love mine 😂

Omg, you've just described their relationship 🤣

Yes not the best example, but yesterday I did expect him to "ask nicely " with please and thank you to his grandmother. And to me

And if he says "no"

Just shrug and say ok and ignore. He's making that choice and has to live with the consequences of it 🤷‍♀️

Yes you're right. It just doesn't seem to be improving. And then some days it "pushes my buttons" and it all goes to pot.

Manners are very important to me. I wouldn't tolerate ds's being rude to me, and would say to them that I don't expect them to speak to me like that.

Long time ago now, but I used to keep saying pardon until my ds did it right!

I see you think that he's picking up the habit from your ex. It might be worthwhile being upfront with your son and saying something along the lines of, in your dad's house you follow his rules. In this house, you follow my rules and that includes asking for things nicely and using the manners I have taught you.

I feel like you need to be VERY clear of your expectations.

Only time cured the sibling rivalry - we stopped competing in our early teens, which was aided by me having a brother and thus quickly diversifying interests between us. If I had a sister... I'm sure the manners would be lacking for some years still 😂

I remember loving the praise from adults of being a wonderful and polite child, so it became my "thing"... I believe that everyone wants to be liked and acknowledged (particularly a child) so I'd lead this battle with excess praise and reward for kind and polite behaviour and ignore/divert from the bad. Worked on me. And the dogs. 😁