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Original poster

Handhold...Horrible comments by DM about DS

24 replies

yoshiblue · 26/12/2023 16:09

Please can I have a handhold, feeling so fragile today...

We've had such a challenging couple of days with family and their reaction to my neurodiverse DS 10.

Caught my Mum bitching at the table about him; saying he 'wasn't normal' and 'can't interact properly with other people', saying he's 'rude'

He was sterling yesterday; coping well in a busy household of 10 adults and children, and generally quiet/using screens to help regulate. No undesirable behaviour at all.

I didn't confront her at the time but have woken up so upset today. I have no idea how a grandparent can say such awful things about a child. We were at my siblings house and have made the decision to travel home early and chill at home.

Feel like I'm processing so many feelings at the moment about having a ND child, with a further assessment coming next year and didn't really need this on top. 😢

OP posts:

nutster · 26/12/2023 16:11

OP you need to start advocating for your son.

And fast

in your shoes, this woman wouldn’t be getting within a 5 mile radius of my son.

And you meant to say no other person at the table confronted her either?

nutster · 26/12/2023 16:12

. I have no idea how a grandparent can say such awful things about a child.

are you saying that this is completely out of character for her?

i suspect - it is very much expected behaviour from her. So you need to shield your son from her OP

BumbleNova · 26/12/2023 16:13

Here in solidarity OP. I had a horrible row with my Dad yesterday about my eldest. We are at the very beginning of exploring an ND diagnosis for him. the comments my Dad made about my son and my parenting were unforgivable. My DS is kind, funny, very clever but challenging. Just horrific.

Interested in this thread?

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Families

AgnesX · 26/12/2023 16:14

Your mother needs a flea in her ear and told that if she can't say anything useful that she won't be welcome again.

Is she usually so lacking in emotional intelligence?

Darkandstormynite · 26/12/2023 16:16

You need to keep her away from him until she can demonstrate she's not a bullying arsehole.

These sorts of comments can have a long term impact on a child's self esteem. Protect him from her, she's not a safe person to be around a ND child.

allofthelove · 26/12/2023 16:23

I would have gone off like a firework , at my parents if I heard them saying anything like this about my child .

I wouldn't be inviting them for Christmas at all after that . I'd make it very clear as to why as well .

My ND child gets so overwhelmed at Christmas , we have the Christmas tree up and no other decorations . Yesterday opened her presents and we packed them all away , before lunch .

Today had a meltdown at Boxing Day buffet at my mums because of amount of food on offer was overwhelming.

I'm beyond lucky that my parents and step parents , know this and would never make any comments about her behaviour.

Original poster

yoshiblue · 26/12/2023 16:28

Thanks for your comments, I just wanted to be heard.

My mum has form on being quite bitter and spiteful full stop. TBH, she is currently being very verbally abusive and bullying to my DF but that's a whole other conversation. She's not a nice people but I have lumped along over the years, helped by not being local.

It was a side conversation I heard between her and another family member. I was at my brothers and didn't want to start a massive row in the moment. And also my DS is blissfully unaware so it's not affected him in the slightest.

She's crossed a line as far as I'm concerned and I'm going NC to protect both my son and me. Not really the Christmas present I wanted!

OP posts:

nutster · 26/12/2023 16:31

Not really the Christmas present I wanted

if i had your mother, it sounds like it would be a perfect christmas present tbh

INeedCharcoalPants · 26/12/2023 16:32

Your DM sounds like a cunt. In fact, she reminds me a bit of my late MIL who went crazy at us when we told her DS nursery suggested he was likely ND (which I'd suspected for a while). She refused to discuss it, then every time she met up with us, was at pains to point out how every mundane thing DS did was, in her words, 'normal'. We used some of the money she left DH to pay for DS private ADHD ax, and enjoyed spending every penny of it.

I'd put your DM in her place on this one OP, I bitterly wish I'd done it with my MIL.

Easipeelerie · 26/12/2023 16:34

Sounds like you need to go no contact to protect your son. What a truly nasty woman.

Gnomegnomegnome · 26/12/2023 16:36

Sounds like my mother. The first time we heard her speak poorly about asd dc (one bit was the R slur) she was frogmarched out of the house (our home). I have never in my life done something like that but hearing her say such awful things made me see red.

That was around fifteen years ago and she’s never been welcome since.

rwalker · 26/12/2023 16:46

Say nothing send her a letter explaining what you heard and some books on ND
and tell her to educate herself before opening her mouth

I ‘d be reluctant to confront as some people thrive on that and some how end up the injured party to anyone that will listen

Original poster

yoshiblue · 26/12/2023 16:47

@INeedCharcoalPants you made me laugh 😂

OP posts:

Original poster

yoshiblue · 26/12/2023 16:50

@BumbleNova your DS sounds like mine, he's so clever and funny, but yes challenging!!!

Happy to help if you need a chat re: diagnosis options. We've successfully come out of ADHD diagnosis, medication and ongoing support in NHS Paediatrics. Now starting part 2 with Autism assessment.

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 26/12/2023 16:50

To whom was she speaking and did they not pull her up on it? I can’t imagine sitting listening to her and not stopping her in her tracks. I had to do it to my own ‘d’m yesterday (happy bloody Christmas, you bitch!) who decided to bitch about a family member. I just don’t know why she started, I told her it wasn’t appropriate. 🤷‍♀️

Cornishclio · 26/12/2023 16:56

Horrendous behaviour by your mum and sounds like she doesn't understand ND at all. Your poor DS and you to listen to that. I would have to challenge her on those remarks. So nasty to say he isn't "normal". I am shocked a GP should say that. Is it just ignorance of ND or is she usually difficult anyway?

Prawncow · 26/12/2023 17:01

Not really the Christmas present I wanted

It must have been horrible to hear but now you know, you can protect him from her. It sounds like your DS managed a busy, noisy environment really well using his coping strategies, so that’s something to celebrate .

DC1888 · 26/12/2023 17:05

AgnesX · 26/12/2023 16:14

Your mother needs a flea in her ear and told that if she can't say anything useful that she won't be welcome again.

Is she usually so lacking in emotional intelligence?

That's it...a lack of emotional intelligence.

Some lack it so much they need their inappropriate behaviour spelt out to them.

Original poster

yoshiblue · 26/12/2023 17:09

@Cherrysoup the other family member wasn't agreeing with her and was telling to look at it in another way. Too late I heard it.

All in all, she's a spiteful horrible woman. She's got numerous health problems but that is no reason to be mean/horrible to anyone else.

OP posts:

Crikeyalmighty · 26/12/2023 17:18

There really are some horrible people out there - I never fail to be amazed at how rude some folk are towards others. It reminds me of an 80 year old uncle at the time ( a fan of Enoch Powell, Farage etc) which when at a family gathering in early 2016 when we were explaining how Brexit was likely to impact our business adversely said 'well so be it- you will just have to both do something else then ' if it wasn't for the fact my FIL was there and other relatives my H was all for telling him to go fuck himself

Treewizard88 · 26/12/2023 17:27

Sorry OP that's horrible. I have a primary aged son with ASD and have had numerous hard discussions with my dad over his poor understanding and behaviour towards him. It got to the point this year where enough was enough and I now don't allow my dad to see him. You are your child's safety and advocate stand up for him and don't allow people who don't see him for the wonderful person he is to have contact if they aren't willing to adjust and acknowledge their poor behaviour.

Xmasblues · 26/12/2023 18:16

Your mum sounds like a complete bitch!

Do you not see her very often?

I’m surprised she would have this opinion of a 10 year old and would have thought she’d be used to his personality by now and actually think as he’s got older he’s got easier, which many kids tend to do (until they reach the teens).

Original poster

yoshiblue · 26/12/2023 18:28

@Xmasblues I don't see her often - 3/4 times per year as we live in a different part of the country.

She compares him unfairly to her two local gc who can do no wrong (and are also neurotypical)

I feel so much better having talked to you all on here. I know I wasn't being unreasonable for any reason, it just hurts. I'm better on accepting life without having a mother really.

OP posts:

DontListenToWhatYouveConsumed · 26/12/2023 22:19

Will you be able to maintain other family relationships when you've cut her out?
Definitely not saying its a reason not to cut her out, just hope for some support for you 🌺

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