Insults from DM

[Londonlass819]

I love my mum to bits but she just can't help get a dig in. I thought I looked nice today in a maxi shirt dress with pockets. Nope, I looked matronly and middle aged. I am middle aged so I won't take it as an insult but it's hardly a bloody compliment either!

Anyone else's mum/mil like to throw out a criticism whenever they get chance?

My mum is similar, always finds something to insult. I spent too many years getting upset about it so now I insult her back. This year it was "gosh you've gained a lot of weight, you're huge". She knows I'm currently unhappy with my body and am dieting. I simply fired back with the fact I've had two children and asked what her excuse was seeing as she's never had children. Double blow as she's infertile. I probably wouldn't recommend it if you want to have a genuinely good relationship with her but it does the trick

No thank goodness

Oh yes! I had a comment re ‘I would just chop it off’ about the overhang on my ankles-I had a dvt and my leg literally swelled up to twice it’s size plus was diagnosed with lymphodoema following the dvt. Loads of comments re ‘When you get to a size X, you can have this’ whilst showing me she might wear while she put herself in hospital this year due to not eating/drinking. She has very disordered eating, it’s no wonder I do too!

Why do they do it? It's as if they lose their filter. My mums never rude to anyone else, she just saves it up for me!

How about, “I am middle aged and as my mother you’re middle aged + Xyears so I don’t think you should be making any comments about age!”

I put up with this for decades, for the ridiculous reason that if I ever objected she would be upset that I was being mean to her!

Same as others on the thread - endless comments about my (actually pretty normal and healthy) weight, going on about my spare tyre, thunder thighs, "This is too big for me so you can have it", slagging off my clothes, my "hunchback", etc etc etc.

But somewhere in my mid 40s I got pushed over the edge when she asked me why I hadn't told her I was pregnant. She knew I wasn't - it was her way of saying I looked fat. From then on I stopped taking it and would always answer right back "That's really rude and hurtful. Why did you want to say something so nasty? Would you say that to a friend? No? Why not?" and just kept on at it. Every time. She bloody hated it. She tried all the crying and accusing me of being mean and nasty and I pointed out she didn't seem to give a crap about my feelings and said whatever she liked, and I was just replying.

She has stopped! We're never going to have a great relationship but at least I don't have to brace myself for the insults. She actually doesn't say much to me now - she doesn't have much to say when she can't just insult me.

And I actually feel happier and better about my body even though I'm in my 50s now. I didn't/don't even see her that much but it really had an effect on me deep down.

Yes, though I no longer see her and she certainly isn't invited into my home. Life's too short to have people in your home who are purposefully hurting you IMO. They know what they're doing and I'm quite sure none of us here would say things like that to them. I just can't tolerate it as an adult. If my mum wants to be bitter and miserable she can do it at home by herself.

A DM classic recently was "are you going to grow your hair long like some old crone?"

She has said far, far, worse but I try to forget about it

Some mums are cows.

Oh yes, hair as well. "Well that haircut is a bit SEVERE" "When are you going to do something about your hair?" "X's daughter has short hair but it's more feminine than yours somehow"
Fuck off!

Gosh, these are awful! It is bizarre isn't it, I wonder where it comes from?

I've remembered last Christmas she said I was 'all furr coat and no knickers' because my house is always tidy but when I'd shampooed my carpet the week before, the water was really dirty. She said that in front of everyone at the family get together.

It really bloody hurts when she does it, I take it to heart.

Is it just the truth, maybe I did look middle aged and matronly and everyone else is thinking it but she's the only one who says it. It certainly deflated my confidence.

Oh yes, the hairs another one. Im starting to go grey and was happy to just let it come in naturally but she said its very aging yet she did the exact same thing at my age!

My mum would t say anything hurtful to me in this vein, but my MIL doesn’t hold back. She’s not a terrible human being. She is just riddled with insecurities and regrets, and she’s a judgmental woman who retired to the country where she knows nobody and where her siblings never visit her. So, she stews all day/week/month, and when she sees someone it all comes out. She’d never dare say anything remotely unkind to her son or grandson. But her DIL and DHD are fair game. It’s so pitiable and laughable that that’s really all you can do: pity and laugh. I feel bad for her, fundamentally.

My DM told a totally made up story in front of my two teens which basically implied the only reason I got in to the very good Russell Group uni I attended 25 years ago was due to an email I sent to the Professor who took me on for "being so cheeky." No , mother. I didn't have email in 1997. I got on on merit, and no thanks to you who would be delighted if I'd not gone and instead got a job in a local office and stayed there for ever.

Having cooked a 3 course lunch yesterday for 12, which included 10 home made dishes cooked from scratch, as she left today she said " Don't ever think you didn't do a good job, because you did". Says the woman whose idea of cooking is fish fingers and boils vegetables until they are puree. 😯

Is it just the truth, maybe I did look middle aged

It doesn't matter though - it's not kind to say it in a nasty way, to hurt or humiliate you, and as you said, she doesn't do it to other people so it's not that she can't help it. I felt like you too - it really does hurt. I really recommend standing up to it. Not getting angry, no drama, just matter-of-fact pulling her up on it.

When my mother's old 'friend' (more of a Stockholm syndrome really because the women had literally no friends or family talking to her because of her 'forthright opinions') said to me .. on my recent marriage 'well you did well he is a bit of a looker ' .. and I questioned why she would say that .. she replied

'well you have never been someone I would describe as pretty' ..

I was able to have the presence of mind for once ) to haul out a MN favourite there and then (instead of two hours later whilst kicking myself) .

Did you mean to be so rude. ?

I can confirm that it is an absolute floor stopper . My mother looked terrified.. her friend spluttered like Boris Johnson on speed.. and professed she didn't consider it rude just honest . I followed up with . 'I'm sorry but it's not only rude it's insulting and you owe me an apology. (Which she gave incredibly ungraciously but an apology nonetheless)..

God it felt good. 17 years ago now and still makes me feel good about myself. My mum later confessed sheer delight and used it on her a few times in their remaining years.. to good effect.

Try it people . It really works.