Sad about my family but can't complain

[Justabitsad1]

Name changed for this post as it's really not in the same vein as my usual username.

I'm not expecting any replies but if I write it down here, I'm hoping I might be able to put it to rest in my head.

Crux of it is, I put all the effort in to thinking about other people, but no one thinks about me. And it just makes me really sad that I'm not worthy enough for anyone to care about, or for anyone to want to do anything nice for me.

Just me, DH and 3 kids ( 2 X teens and an 11yr old) at home yesterday. Kids all have stockings and 4/5 presents to open, DH has 3 things to open, nothing big or expensive but things I think he liked. All sorted by me. I had nothing to open. DH had 'warned me' a few days earlier it would be a bit light under the tree for me. I had said a few weeks ago that if he couldn't think of anything for me, I was planning on going to the theatre to see my favourite show with some girl friends so that could be my present. All thought of booked and organised by me. He took that as an ok, abitsad is all sorted, he didn't need to think any further.

My parents are abroad but left their presents to us with us before they went. So at least I had them to open. Was looking forward to it and we opened them later. DH got £40 theatre tokens and some sweets from them. I got a pair of black ankle socks and a box of malteasers. I love going to the theatre but I had told my mum I needed socks so socks I got.
At that point I did go and have a little cry upstairs, my entire Christmas presents amount to a pair of socks and some malteasers.
We did have a lovely day, DH cooked, kids were all happy, played some games, watched a film together and even the teens who usually live in their rooms joined us, so it was nice. I couldn't spoil the atmosphere or complain as that would just make everyone feel shit rather than just me.
DH genuinely thinks 'we' did a great Christmas.

On DH part, there is form for this. 25 years together. I have had a birthday where I got nothing because I hadn't told him what I wanted. He finds other people birthdays and Christmas very stressful, it's just thinking of and buying a present but it stresses him out. He had a girlfriend at 16 who didn't like a gift he got for her so that scarred him for life apparently. He hates buying gifts. He would also be fine if no one gave him anything and we just forgot the whole gift giving thing. He's never helped the kids with mothers day and I stopped doing father's day a few years ago because I just get sad every mother's day when it's not even acknowledged. Though I do remind the kids a few weeks before father's day and they can do something if they choose to. My birthday last year became all about how stressful making a cake had been for him as it went wrong twice. I hadn't asked him to make the cake, a shop bought one would have been fine but the whole evening was brought in to a grumpy mood because of how he felt. Oh and no one in my house even wished me a happy birthday until 9.30pm.
This year there was no cake. I had asked for tickets to a show, gave a few options for different shows. For weeks beforehand I got told how expensive tickets were, and asked what did I think he should do, which seats would be ok etc. Again my birthday became about how much stress it was causing him.

I don't want to cause people to be stressed. I'd just like them to actually want to make me feel good, to feel appreciated, to feel loved. To want to do something nice for me. Like I do for them.

It's not a money thing, we can afford to do nice things. I'm not asking for big extravagance. Heck, a box of chocolates wrapped would have been lovely. Some earrings or a jumper someone else had chosen. Just a bit of thought from someone that wasn't me.

My parents have been super generous to us financially this year so I can't be sad at just a pair of socks.

We have several friends who have been widowed in the last few years, with kids the same age as ours, so I am very lucky that we all still have each other. Being sad over a stupid gift feels horribly materialistic and petty.

I'm just a robot, with no feelings, that does all the drudgy family tasks, taxis people around, organises things and will always be there.

His signature on divorce papers would change your life op... Best gift ever... He sees you as simply staff doesn't he?

He can't be arsed. I understand how this feels as have experienced it myself. Everyone knows gift buying is difficult. He just tells people it is too much hassle for him and he gets away with it. It is pure laziness. My ex did it too.

His shite about the gf at 16, is just that shite!
Does he hold down a job? so is capable of managing tasks, so fed up with men being thoughtless arseholes and getting away with it.
You've been together 25 years, he knows what you like plus you told him, I'd go right through him.

You've said that gifts mean nothing to him. Therefore you shouldn't be surprised if he thinks the theatre tickets are good enough. You need to spell it out sometime, that a box of chocs/earrings would mean a lot to you. Or get one of your teens to tell him. He cooked the dinner - is this a way of showing he cares? Does he make you feel loved and appreciated? Do you enjoy spending time together? Some people just don't understand gifts and their minds are elsewhere when it comes to putting the thought in. Don't be sad!
It's taken me a very long time to train my DH. One year on my birthday he pulled up outside Sainsbury's, pulled out a fiver and told me to go in and get some flowers. I have had to spell out to him that a new household gadget is not a present for me and I like nice bath stuff. I've got through to him at last though. So as with lots of things, I think communication is your problem here. Tell him!

There is truth in all of your replies. If it's researching a new fitness watch, updates on a computer game or tyres of a bike, he will spend hours or even days pouring over the pros and cons. That's worthy of his time. He has just checked out of the gift thing. Put it in a box as too hard for him.

There is definitely a communication issue, we don't talk, I think we both find it awkward. I hate an argument, I know I tend to just say nothing if I think we won't agree. I wonder if he does the same. There might be a lot of unsaid things on both sides. We've never really done feelings type talks.

I can't bring it up now and spoil everyone's Christmas. However I could save this thread and show it to him in Feb/March to open the conversation about how I feel. Though I suspect I'll just get 'well that's just the way I am', but you're right, we need to communicate better.

I wouldn't put up with that. How hard is it to go down to the jewellery shop and get something lovely along with a return receipt in case you wanted to change it. Ditto any number of shops.
Fucking selfish. Thinks of you as the family servant obviously. Wanker.
For three of my birthdays in a row my first husband got me a child's plastic telescope. A nice man's bike for him and a plastic bracelet for my 30th. For his birthday I presented him with a divorce petition.
Nobody treats me like that.
Do something about this OP. Throw a tantrum, move into the spare room, threatening divorce. He cannot be allowed to do this. And don't cheapen yourself. A box of chocolates is NOT a gift unless there are diamonds with it.

You deserve so much more than that, your DC could choose presents and he could pay for gods sake. He is cutting you out of the whole Christmas and birthday experience on purpose. That’s bullshit. Tell him today this is his last chance to improve.

But how come your children didn't get you anything, OP? That's really mean of them and your husband.

He's totally selfish. If it means he has to think about you, then he can't be bothered.

Why did your parents give him £40 and sweets and give you a pair of socks and sweets? That's really unfair.

I'm sorry you had a terrible time on Christmas day. One way to feel better is to plan how yesterday is the LAST Christmas you're EVER going to feel unappreciated.

There is no need to save this postcode show to your husband two or three months down the line. If I were you, I would call a family meeting TODAY (uess you have guests) and let them know how their thoughtlessness is making you feel.

I would also mention the birthdays and Mother's Day gifts and ask them for more recognition. Make it clear you are not pleased, and if they love you, they will change their ways. Your husband may be a gone case, but at least you will be teaching your children how to appreciate people and their future partners.

It's not a money thing, we can afford to do nice things. I'm not asking for big extravagance. Heck, a box of chocolates wrapped would have been lovely. Some earrings or a jumper someone else had chosen. Just a bit of thought from someone that wasn't me.

I think some people are rubbish with presents.

What struck me most about your post is how little your requests are. Eg socks. Why would you even ask for socks. It’s like asking for tissues. You’re seemingly ok with this as your parents have helped you financially but the tickets they gave your DH are also for you. He surely wouldn’t ask somebody else to go with him?

When the kids were growing up did you and your DH take them to the shops to let them choose gifts for other people? I think that is really important. I bring my kids to Tiger and ask them to go around choosing gifts under a certain amount for family members. It is important to teach them the act of giving.

As for your DH, you already know and have years of experience of either getting rubbish gifts or none. So buy yourself gifts. Give them to him to wrap and open them in Xmas day. This year I bought perfume, trainers and a coat. I wrapped them myself and opened them. There is NO way I’d suggest something ‘easy’ as I may as well just do it myself and the past has taught me that what DH chooses is not what I’d choose for myself.

Your DH sounds like he deliberately makes life harder for himself. Do either tell him what you’d like and let him stress all he likes or else buy it yourself?

For my birthday last year I had asked for a specific thing and my DH decided it wasn’t fun enough (or that he thought it was a waste of money), but in a weird reaction, then didn’t get me anything. I made it clear how hurt I was and that it felt that he couldn’t be bothered to spare me the time to think of something.
This Xmas he put a lot of time and thought into a perfect experience present for me and I was over the moon.
It doesn’t need a be a row. I don’t like rows either but I just said to him calmly at bedtime “I was a bit sad that you didn’t get me a birthday present, when I told you what I wanted anyway” and he was sorry about it.

My daughter works in a high end shop. On Christmas Eve the men flock in, not a woman in sight, they ask the women on the floor what gifts to get their partner. DD was telling me the girls on the shop floor pick out the most expensive nicest gifts for their partners. Your husband could be prompted to try that next year.

"Feb/March"??? Why?

You will wait 2 to 3 months to address your feelings? You are worth more than that.

You are worth so much more effort and time @Justabitsad1. The absolute nonsense about being scared of present buying because of something that happened when he was 16, I wouldn’t have been able to stop laughing. You do so much for everyone else and you deserve to have things done for you. Buying you a present is the very least of that - putting some thought and effort in.

I don't get why his 'it's just the way I am' trumps the 'just the way [you] are'. Tell him now; don't wait until February.

Sorry to hear this, op. I feel quite sad for you actually. I think, as PP have said, you need to talk to him now - today actually. Don't worry about spoiling Christmas or the atmosphere, you won't - he's already done that with his thoughtlessness. Tell him. Also tell your parents about how you feel regarding the disparity in gifts. I would if it was me.

You’re behaving as though everyone else is more important than you are, and then being angry and said when other people accept this unquestioningly. Centre yourself, and other people will follow, because there will be consequences if they don’t.

What about your children? Didn’t they give you presents? My eleven year old got me something really thoughtful.

I was volunteering in my local charity last Friday, we were full of men (normally it's 80% women) and countless asked me what they could buy the mum/grandmother/girlfriend/wife! We had some antique silver jewellery which I managed to sell all of and i sold all the new socks, handbags, scarves and plenty of vintage goods. I also directed them to the jeweller, the boutique and the sports shop based on their descriptions of loved ones, next year I think I should offer a paid consultancy!