Annoyed with dad - rant time

[Joanasword]

I’ve always been close to my dad. Since he met his new girlfriend 2 years ago we’ve gradually got distant. She doesn’t like me because she turned up to a family BBQ with all of her family without asking first, I didn’t have enough food and it was awkward. Since then we haven’t spoken as she expects me to welcome her to everything and never have time with just my dad. If I invited him round and not her she has a tantrum and becomes abusive to my dad. I won’t allow her in my house anymore.
So this year my dad started complaining she’s clingy and obsessed and he wants to end it. He is still with her but badmouths her at every chance. i told him I don’t want to get involved and to stop mentioning her.
The plan this Christmas was for my dad to come here so he wasn't alone as his girlfriend was planning the day at her parents hours away and there wasn’t space in the car for him.
He didn’t turn up for Christmas lunch. I FaceTimed him and he was at his girlfriends parents house having lunch. He hadn’t even told me and I’d made extra food just for him. So cue the awkward video call of him showing us each other while they all sat in silence angry I had disturbed their meal. I made my excuses and hung up.
I know this has turned into a lengthy post (sorry!) but I’m getting fed up with how my dad prioritises his girlfriend and her children and grandchild over his actual family. He doesn’t even like them.
The 3 year old grandchild of his girlfriend has been told to call him grandad, he gets personalised grandad gifts from the child and his house has photos of him in every room. I’ve never met the grandchild’s parents but they were in the background of facetime whispering something and pointing while his girlfriend rolled her eyes and walked out.
He gave the grandchild £100 for Christmas but my 2 children got £20 and the baby got nothing.
I feel like he’s purposely not interested in maintaining a relationship with me anymore as he has his new family who see him as step dad and grandad. It wouldn’t surprise me if he speaks badly about me to them and this is why they all turned their nose up.
i don’t know how to approach this situation, I need some time apart from him for the disrespect about lunch firstly, but the rest is boiling my blood. Over reaction or would you feel the same?

I think what you might not be seeing because you are simply too close to this is that he is in a controlling relationship, and a lot of this is not behaviour he would choose if he had a more laid back partner.

I don't suppose he is being given much choice in the matter. He would have been told how much to give the grandkid versus your kids. He has been told to go to her parents at the last minute on Xmas day.

Try to support him from getting free as much as you can, and in the meantime, try to have some tolerance and patience.

Just imagine the abuse he must get when he wants to do his own thing. It takes time to be strong enough to push back on that and say 'no more, I am leaving.'

He is also between a rock and a hard place because you have specifically told him you don't want to discuss her/a split. So who else does he turn to for emotional support to leave this awful situation? Does he have anyone else?

Keep the lines of communication open with him, one day he will break free and need you.

It sounds like he is trying to confide in you by complaining about this woman. I wonder does he regret letting you know about how bad things are with her? Re the presents I'd be upset too, it's hard to know if he is really rejecting your family in favour of her or is this just another sign of coercive control. I suspect the latter. All you can do is talk to him and hope he sees sense.

If you were bad mouthing your partner to your dad at the beginning of the year and saying you were in a controlling relationship would you expect his reaction to be 'don't tell me about it'?

Thanks, some good points I hadn’t considered, but he’s not in an abusive relationship. They don’t live together and have nothing connecting them together like children/mortgages etc. my dad choses to stay with her so he’s not alone, he badmouths her because he doesn’t like her (calls her fat/lazy/dirty) etc and I don’t agree with talking about a woman like this so I told him to stop the first time. As he still hadn’t left her after constantly moaning he doesn’t want to be with her I told him to not mention her again if he doesn’t intend to leave her. All he has to do is tell her it’s over and block her. If he lived with her and she was mentally/physically abusive of course I’d step in and help but this isn’t the case. He choses to spend every day with her and her family over us, he travels 40 minutes there to see her then the same time back. If he genuinely didn’t like her he’d have left and prioritised his actual family by now.