How / do I try to patch things up with my Dad?

[BumbleNova]

TLDR - my Dad told me to fuck off and stormed out the house after I asked him not to discipline my 5 year Old.

I am upset and shocked TBH. From my perspective, it really came out of nowhere. Not to drop feed, We lost my mum to breast cancer 5 years ago. My Dad has refused to do any form of counseling and really isn't coping.

I have a DS5 and a DS3. I work full time and we are about an hour and a half away. We don't see my Dad all that often. He is very isolated after mum died. My DS5 is a handful, high energy, very bright, not a sleeper and I've had my hands full.

He was playing nicely with his new toys for Christmas and his younger brother came over. He shared for a bit but little brother was being a pain. He got v cross and tried to hit me. I defused it and told him off. I can't remember how / why but my Dad said something to DS5 and DS5 hissed angrily like cat. My Dad angrily/ nastily shouted at my DS5 and really upset him. I scooped him up to comfort him.

As background, I have raised with school whether he may be neuro diverse. If you shout at him, it just doesn't work. He has a complete meltdown and you can't reach him.

So I asked my Dad - please don't discipline DS5, please let me deal with it. He just exploded, told me to fuck off and left.

WTF do I do now?

Nothing.
You were defending your DS in a way that comforts and calms him. Your Ddad escalated it and therefore any patching up should come from him. I hope the rest of your day is peaceful.

@just

Nothing. Let him apologise for telling you to fuck off in your own house.

Give it some time and let things calm down.

It may be that you will have more successful meetings with your dad if you meet in a neutral venue eg National trust place, kids farm etc.

If you feel it would help then feel free to apologise to your dad but I'd keep him out of your house for a while.

Agree with pp. This would be for him to apologise for. The only thing you could do would be to prompt that apology, but I'd want it to come because he's reflected on his behaviour at means it.

Where did he go though, had he driven?

@auntmarch yes, it was literally 10 am so no alcohol had been consumed.

My brother stayed. Awkwardly he had left critical things in his strop. Like his iPad so my brother had to drop them off.

He is like an unexploded bomb at the moment and apparently this is my fault for generally focusing too much on my sons. My Dad expects to be waited on, like my mum did and I don't/ can't do that.

My brother said he threatened to drive him yesterday. I actually wish he had. I'm so sad that it's come to this.

Many men don't cope well with losing their wife and want any available female to slot into the emotional support/maid/waitress slot.

Sounds like he is one of those.

I'd keep some distance. He'll learn eventually.