Needing to get this out

[Superproud]

Married over 20 years, divorced 2.

XH serial cheater for 10 of those 20 years, both online and IRL.

I ended things as I found the evidence on his tech of online wankbuddys and local hook ups... I discovered he'd had many through the years. He'd recently taken a shine to one particular WB abroad... I found he'd declared his love for her after 3 weeks of cam wanking. I also found his love declarations to 2 other WBs in the 2 years before. No evidence of online conversations of love with the local hook ups found.

When we separated, he ditched fav online WB when he got a local girlfriend within weeks. He declared his love for local GF on FB, Insta and Twitter 2 months after I'd ended our marriage. When local GF broke things off with him after 6 months, he went back to the online WB woman.

He has visited online woman 6 times in 2 years. She has visited him once. Each visit is no more than 10 days.

He's visiting her at the moment. Knowing XH like I do, I wrote a note to myself last week saying "he'll propose on Christmas Day or NYE. Be prepared for your kids emotions" Sure enough, DS (20) told me several hours ago his dad got engaged today. Can't believe I was out by a day. 🤣 DS was factual and said he was fine with the news.

My heart was pounding for 30mins or so while I let it sink in for me. Not from wanting him back, but from processing it, if that makes sense?

I was having thoughts including "good luck to her", "she's so very welcome to him", "are they really stupid enough to think they know each other well enough after only 7 times of seeing each other IRL?" "They've only met enough times for it to be considered a holiday romance by normal people", "He's so predictable" "The sad sack is just desperate to be loved"

My thoughts for the rest of the day were for my children. DS seems non plussed. DD (18) has seemed to want me around her a lot today for watching comfort TV together. She's not mentioned it, and I won't unless she does.

XH tried to push them into meeting local girlfriend when they were dating. Both refused. On WBs visit over here, XH put DS in a position where he couldn't refuse to see her. DD wouldn't be manipulated in the same way, so has never met the woman.

Because of how XH was through the split, DD now sees her dad about 4 times a year. Max 2 hours each time. The property he purchased didn't have a bedroom for her. She even said during the separation one day "why is dad having such a horrid mid life crisis?" And she listed all the ridiculous things he was doing, all the new weird behaviours he'd taken on, and laughed her head off. She idolised her dad, so he had far to fall in her eyes. I can't imagine how she's feeling knowing her dad is going to marry a woman she's never met.

WB also has a tween daughter, so I imagine he's shared plans with DD and DS about how he'll be moving abroad soon. Knowing him, they'll be married this time next year. What a shitty thing to do to move abroad, an ocean away from your children.

WTF is wrong with some men?

Not sure what I want from this post. A handhold? Advice for supporting my children well through this? A congratulations for not being arsed he's got engaged? Maybe I just want to speak all this into the wind and see what flies back.

Thanks for letting me share.

Handhold OP. It sounds like you've truly emotionally moved on from this pathetic arse of a man. Your DD sounds pretty clued up too. All you can do is support your kids, as I'm sure you do, and whether they want to attend the wedding or not you go with their choice and make no criticisms. You sound like a fab mum, and you're right, she's welcome to the trash!

I disagree with the previous poster that you’ve truly emotionally moved on - you don’t sound like you are anywhere near having moved on. That’s not a criticism! It’s still very recent. And it’s a horrible thing to go through! I think it’s better to acknowledge how you feel. You can’t say you’re not arsed that he’s engaged but also say that your heart pounded for half an hour of processing it! And writing notes to yourself about him… if you try to persuade yourself that you’re not bothered, you don’t allow yourself the space to work through the fact that you are bothered. There’s no shame in being bothered by it.

The note was written to remind myself to be on the alert for my children's emotions and to prep running through different scenarios of what the best individual support would look like for each of them in the emotions they could have displayed. I wanted to be prepared for their sake and to offer them what they needed in the moment. Turns out comfort TV all day with DD was something I hadn't prepared for!

Heart pounding was running through so many things, including if I was bothered. I can honestly say I'm not. But it was a surprise that I needed to process. I disagree that processing information means I'm bothered.

My heart pounded for ages and I cried when I heard George Michael had died. I'd never met him. It was my way of processing the information.

Well the scales have fallen from their eyes and yours. It’s horrible when you see your ex behaving in such a horrible way …. However, you just need to empower them and not speak ill or comment neither negative or positive. Just neutral and be there for them. If he moves abroad I would imagine it Will be easier.

On the plus side, he’s going to be a great big long way away from you. At least your kids see him for what he is. And at least they are old enough to get it - not a 4yo wondering why daddy isn’t home. Focus on the positives and have a good Christmas without this twat.

But you clearly were bothered that George Michael died, or you wouldn’t have cried. That’s not “processing”. You don’t need to “process” a celebrity death if it means nothing to you. It’s OK to be bothered by the actions of someone you were with for 20 years, whose actions continue to affect your children.

We'll agree to disagree @Testina

Indeed!
We can agree to agree he’s an arsehole though.
(Your XH - not George Michael 😉)

Definitely not George

It's going to take some time for them to process it.

What's a WB...?

Wank buddy

some sort of online/camera wanking with someone

I’ve no advice, just sending positive vibes.

I also cried lots when George died.😢

Wow 😳 what a bellend. You're well rid, but way too invested still. I guess that comes from having shared DC though. I hope you can forget about him soon once you've processed this latest bomb drop.

Your children sound quite sensible about it so I wouldn't worry on their behalf. If he moves abroad it'll be easier for them to go NC and avoid his manipulations, which sounds like it's for the best since having a decent person for a dad isn't an option. If your DC end up choosing to go NC you won't have to hear his news either.

I'd delete and block on SM/email/phone right away, there's no reason for you to be in his life at all with DC both grown up and if your SM is linked then you are. If you don't want to look petty do it at some random time like middle of January or whenever that's nowhere near the wedding or engagement, as part of a general new year SM cull of people who aren't in your life any more.

He was blocked on everything years ago @AshleyBlue Why would you think there's still that link? 🤣

I'm never going to stop worrying about my children. They are fab and sensible and will always be worth worrying about and being concerned for until the day I die. Again, a strange thing to say.

Because you said he's announcing this that and the other on Facebook and Twitter. Figured you were seeing these posts 🤷

Ok fine, if you enjoy worrying about this shite I'll leave you to happily stew over it.

I think if your DC aren't bothered unduly, you don't need to be. All this thinking up potential scenarios for support to the nth degree and having what sounds like anxiety responses to shocking information (heart pounding for half hour) made me believe you were in some way distressed. Was trying to show kindness and help you.

You asked for people's responses. If you don't want them why ask? [Rhetorical question not interested in your answer]

Edit due to internet glitch.

How do you know so much about his sex life?

No clue about his current sex life @MulledWineBeMine

Loads of pictures, videos, texts, tributes, contacts, weblinks and information on his phone and laptop found at the end of our marriage about his secret sex life for the previous 10 years. I found videos and pics of WB I'd rather not have seen.

Friends felt the need to update me about XH SM posts in the first year of our separation, so I knew about the local girlfriend and his later return to WB. Kids asked me to contact XH over the pressure they felt in the early days about his insistence they met the GF.

DS will mention things here and there, like he did today about the engagement. I think it's his way of processing it. I'm glad he did, as it helped me be present for DD. Had DS not said anything today, I'd have been busying myself with Christmas prep and not given DD the support she needed from me. I wouldn't have been aware.