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Original poster

Alternating Christmases - what to do if you miss one?

18 replies

talalia · 24/12/2023 14:30

Hi all - sorry, I know the dust is far from settled on this Christmas but I'm already being quizzed about this 🙈

DH and I were due to host my parents for Christmas this year. Since 2020 we've alternated, so went to his parents in 2020, hosted mine 2021, and went to his last year. Unfortunately we've both come down with COVID and my parents aren't comfortable coming (totally fair!).

DH's family have said we're fine to come to them tomorrow. They live round the corner from us. We have a young baby and they're keen to see her. However, DH thinks it would be nice to just keep things simple at home while we're all recovering and enjoy a quiet first Christmas with DD.

I'm inclined to agree, but on a selfish note, where does that leave us for next year? DH says we'd be expected to "stick to the schedule" and go round to his parents. They've already been talking about their plans for it with DD being slightly older. But I feel bad that my parents would then have another Christmas just the two of them (the 3rd in four years). They also live a couple of hours away so we don't get to see them all that often, and are a bit older.

I pondered about hosting all the grandparents at our (small) house but DH's parents always have his other siblings and any partners too. DH also says his parents are quite particular about the food etc. so it's either go to theirs or nothing. His preference is we have Christmas day just the three of us and see family from Boxing Day, but again I feel like that risks leaving my parents out a bit as we'll realistically end up in and out of his parents'.

What's worked for others? I expect this situation came up for a lot of families during the pandemic?

OP posts:
minipie · 24/12/2023 14:55

Your DH and his parents seem to do an awful lot of laying down the law.

What do you think OP?

In your shoes I would say let’s see DH’s parents this year and yours next year.

Tinkerbyebye · 24/12/2023 14:57

But you are seeing DH parents tomorrow? So next year it’s yours

CharmedCult · 24/12/2023 14:57

You’re seeing DH parents tomorrow, so see your parents next year.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Events & celebrations Families
Tykwai55 · 24/12/2023 15:00

You stick to the schedule, i.e. Your parents next year because they've missed out on this year due to no fault of their own. Sounds like your DH is prioritising his parents over yours. But it also depends what you want to do.

RandomMess · 24/12/2023 15:00

You have your own DC now, time for new traditions.

What works for you now you have DC - no more traipsing about?

Your parents staying as they live further away? His coming around for a few hours/the day. Big day with his family for New Year?

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 24/12/2023 15:02

Christmas day at home every year and alternative Boxing days with the families.. Try and think how you will feel as the years go on dragging dc away from their new gifts to go and appease grown ups...

Gizlotsmum · 24/12/2023 15:08

Could you do Christmas at new years instead? We alternate between in-laws, my parents and just us. We then try to do new year as the opposite alternate. If we miss one it normally works out that we catch up with the new years ( we alternate as SIL does the Christmas we don’t) we have skipped a year this year as have a new dog so did an early Christmas with my parents and will do new years with inlaws, next year will be my parents and then we should be back with in-laws.. it seems to work out somehow

Whataretheodds · 24/12/2023 15:14

You can invite both sets of parents without inviting all the siblings.

DH can't expect his parents to dictate where it is, who is there and the food choices every year.

Smithstreet · 24/12/2023 15:15

I remember my sil and mil saying to me when I was engaged to now DH - make sure to coordinate it right so we are all in sync on Christmas each year. I said I have never done that as a child so wont be starting now as I have no idea what we are doing next year we may want to go on holiday, may want to see a sibling, may want to do nothing etc etc so will just be doing each year as it comes and we can chat in October. 17 years, 3DC later that is what we do depending on what is going on. I have 4 siblings and my DH 3 we get on great and at Christmas sometimes we see them sometimes dont, once went to a wedding abroad and this year are at home with my parents coming over who are then off to the airport for a holiday. Dont commit to anything, have a chat next autumn about what works.

UsingChangeofName · 24/12/2023 16:08

Can you not "do Christmas" with your parents in a fortnight or whenever the Covid has gone ?
Like people do who work shifts, or like other people who have already got all the "stuff" in and then can't do Christmas on Christmas Day because of illness.

However, as an aside, I wouldn't get tied in to sticking rigidly to a pattern of alternate years. As your little one (potential future siblings too?) get older, life looks different. As well, of course as your parents getting older. Make decisions year on year. If might be you go to different siblings, or invite them to you on different years.
If your PiLs refuse to ever come to you, then they can't really complain that you don't go to them on a strict 'every other year' basis.

Original poster
talalia · 24/12/2023 16:14

Thanks, all. Sorry, my OP was a bit confusing! We've been invited to DH's parents' tomorrow instead but DH doesn't want to go. We have a fridge full of food and he figures it would be nice to have a more chilled day as a three. His parents and siblings can be also be a bit full on with the baby and we're still feeling quite grotty with COVID.

My preference would be to do as @Tykwai55 says and have my parents next year given that it wasn't their fault they missed out (and more generally given how much less we see them), but wondering how hard I can push that.

OP posts:
ofestivetree · 24/12/2023 16:18

Say it's up to him he can choose his parents or he can choose to stay at home. If you see his parents then you see yours next year.

Ps. Hope you don't feel too bad with the covid

forrestgreen · 24/12/2023 19:35

I would say that you take it in turns
Last time was his parents
And the next time (next year) will be yours.

FourChimneys · 24/12/2023 20:00

One of the most valuable pieces of advice I was ever given was never to fall into a set pattern about Christmasses.

Don't get into alternate years, don't agree anything months in advance. Don't be afraid to go on holiday or say you're just staying at home in your pj's this year.

Honestly I know so many people who tie themselves up in knots about one day out of 365. Just see them another day, they will look exactly the same and so will you. I know our adult DC are grateful that we have absolutely no expectations and never will.

FoxClocks · 24/12/2023 20:09

Go with your DHs preference of having a family Christmas day at home from now on, but make more time for seeing your own parents throughout the year.

Original poster
talalia · 24/12/2023 20:55

Thanks very much everyone - really appreciate the input. You steeled me up to have a good chat with DH and happily we both agreed that having such a rigid system of alternating probably won't serve us well going forwards. For next year we'll be open minded but leaning towards staying at ours and saying grandparents are welcome. Tomorrow will be a nice trial run of team cooking the dinner with a 5 month old who won't be put down (😅) but looking forward to whatever the day brings. Hope you all have a really lovely Christmas, however you spend it! 🎄

OP posts:
Bunnycat101 · 24/12/2023 21:03

It depends if there are other families alternating. We have a schedule with my sister and brother in-law so if one person buggers it up it tends to affect multiple families. It has worked well so far as it has meant big family Christmas get togethers work with no side being left out. but since we’ve had children we don’t travel on Christmas day. Rest of festive period is fair game and we tend to see one side early and one side late around the various bank holidays.

Ladyj84 · 24/12/2023 21:16

Nope I wouldn't be going near anyone if I had covid or was just getting over it. We had to do this last year had a lovely our own family day tbh it was rather nice for a change

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