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Original poster

Best way to deal with this before it gets worse?

21 replies

satohbs · 23/12/2023 11:40

Writing here because I have never known anyone to do this before so have no idea how to deal with it, I wouldn't say its a new thing but it is getting worse and more frequent and being honest its pissing me off.

Was in a shop with my mum, We were on opposite ends of the shop, Mum asked guy working there if he had something in stock so he went into the back to look, mum went to look at a display of items and ended up knocking the entire thing to the ground, Guy comes back out to see what happened and as soon as she saw him she said (made up name referring to me..) "Amy!! Why did you do that?" Basically making out it was me that did it..

In Tesco using self service, She ends up putting cash into where the card goes and someone had to come to open up the machine to get it out.. When he arrived.. "Amy, Why did you LET ME DO THAT" I was on the next machine over from her but still I got the blame in some way.

Cleaning her kitchen recently and I just happened to be at her house, She dropped a plant pot which smashed, I was upstairs doing something else and I heard her say from downstairs 'Oh ffs I just dropped this now with you fucking rushing me Amy' I hadn't said a word to her..

Also adding this which isn't me being blamed for something she did but is also something she is doing a lot lately..

Sat in her car, She was driving and I was in the back, I got a message from mums sister saying 'Tell your mum the thing she ordered from eBay arrived, hope you are well' I read the message out to mum and her reply was 'You know, You can be a right manipulative bitch sometimes you' I ended up getting out of the car and walking home as she wouldn't give me a good reason why she said that to me. I got called a manipulative bitch for reading a text out to her..

I have loads of examples but gave the above because the rest are just variants of the above, Basically she messes up or does something wrong and I either get 'why did you do that' or 'why did you let me do that' or 'I wouldn't have done that if you hadn't done xyz'

Best way to deal with it when it happens? If I try to defend myself in any way I then get 'Stop it with the woe is me bullshit'

OP posts:

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 23/12/2023 11:42

Best way is stay away.
Been nc with dm for best part of 20 years.
Def stress free Christmas for me!

Gnomegnomegnome · 23/12/2023 11:43

When you say it’s not new do you mean that she’s always done it or that it’s been going on for a few years?

How old is she and how is she health wise?

MrsSkylerWhite · 23/12/2023 11:44

Aggression can be a symptom of dementia. Has her behaviour changed in other ways?

Unicorntastic · 23/12/2023 11:45

She doesnt sound well to me, unless this has gone on for many years.

Original poster

satohbs · 23/12/2023 11:46

Gnomegnomegnome · 23/12/2023 11:43

When you say it’s not new do you mean that she’s always done it or that it’s been going on for a few years?

How old is she and how is she health wise?

Last two years I would say, I didn't really notice it at first and if I did I would sort of go 'Wtf mum it was you not me!' then noticed it was happening with everything she ever does wrong.

Health wise she has mobility problems but is fine in every other way as far as I know. She is late 50s.

OP posts:

BiscuitsandPuffin · 23/12/2023 11:46

Why do you keep spending time with her? You're an adult and can choose who you see, don't see etc. Going Tesco shopping with someone who treats you like this sounds very enmeshed. Time to disentangle and leave her to it.

BiscuitsandPuffin · 23/12/2023 11:48

You're her scapegoat now. If you think back, there was probably another one before you, and if she pulled off the trick, you'll come back with "oh she left her husband 5 years ago but he was really useless and abusive and always rushing her and doing things like knocking down displays in shops and embarrassing her all the time" because people like her make you believe that about other people.

GFB · 23/12/2023 11:51

I would also question whether this is a symptom of early onset dementia as if it's something completely out of character over the last 2 years.

Behaviour changes are one of the most common symptoms of dementia before the age of 65.

MadeOfAllWork · 23/12/2023 11:52

Does she have a partner? Is there anyone else who she spends time with?

How is she towards them? It’s hard to tell if she is unpleasant or this is dementia.

CountTo10 · 23/12/2023 11:57

I'm sorry but I'm not sure it will get any better. The best way to deal with it is challenge her on it every time or just completely ignore.

My mother is like this. She never, ever accepts responsibly for anything. Everything is always my Dad's fault. They're in their 80's and if we ever suggest something they may enjoy doing/going to see she always says she'd love to but your Dad won't want to when it's really her that won't do anything. When you mention it to Dad he's always really up for it but then Mum makes loads of silly excuses why they can't generally blaming Dad in some way. It's infuriating.

Lesina · 23/12/2023 12:00

How old is your mother? Sounds like dementia to me.

determinedtomakethiswork · 23/12/2023 12:06

Did she used to accept responsibility? The text message one seems really odd.

Why did she say you were manipulating her by reading a simple message? I can understand the others in a way in that she didn't want to be embarrassed so put the blame on you. Obviously it's wrong but you can see the reasoning behind it. I can't see the reasoning behind the text one at all.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 23/12/2023 16:56

Why is everyone shouting dementia? My dm was a cow from an early age. 73 and still not got dementia... As a dc i got blamed for stealing her stuff. I knew it wasn't me and there was just us 2 in the flat. Some women just aren't up for motherhood...

DilemmaDelilah · 23/12/2023 19:31

I also wondered whether she was in the early stages of dementia.

Gerwurtztraminer · 23/12/2023 21:44

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 23/12/2023 16:56

I think people are suggesting early onset dementia as OP says it only started a couple of years ago and hasn't suggested it's just an escalation of 'normal' nasty behaviour. I agree if mother has been horrible for years then that's different.

OP, if your mum won't agree to some assessments (mine adamantly wouldn't) then scaling back contact may be the only way to protect yourself unfortunately.

tomatoontoast · 23/12/2023 21:54

It doesn't sound like dementia at all but you'll always see that on any thread when a woman over the age of 50 is being a bitch.

If it was your Dad doing any of what you've mentioned he would be called abusive.

I can only recommend you spend less time with her. If this has been going on for years she's obviously embarrassed by making mistakes and uses you as an excuse. Eventually it might escalate to blaming you for something like her finances and you'll be between a rock and a hard place then.

hellsBells246 · 23/12/2023 22:29

Why us everyone saying dementia?? Afaik a symptom of dementia is not blaming other people for things they do wrong!!!

She just doesn't sound very nice, op.

ElfieMcElfFace · 23/12/2023 23:17

My sister does that to me, and my mum did it to my dad. Been going on as long as I can remember. Not dementia in either case though. It seems to be more about controlling behaviour and bullying.

Sorry you're experiencing this, it's horrible.

Aubree17 · 24/12/2023 05:48

I would call it out every time when it happens.
E.g. when she dropped the item - "no I didn't make you drop it. You dropped it"
The text one is weird. I wouldn't have dropped that until I got an explanation of exactly how I was being manipulative. What a horrible thing to say.

Aubree17 · 24/12/2023 05:50

Another technique is asking her to repeat what she says. As in "sorry what did you say"

Makes people think about what they said.

AndSoFinally · 24/12/2023 13:23

Why us everyone saying dementia?? Afaik a symptom of dementia is not blaming other people for things they do wrong!!!

Actually it is. The very early stages just look like someone under stress. Knee jerk blaming of others, difficulty with fluid thinking and changing plans on the hoof, becoming quite "prickly" about things, subtle changes in behaviour, difficulty getting out of your comfort zone or learning new ways of doing things.

The early stages are very subtle and much more to do with cognitive function, especially frontal lobe function, rather than memory.

Late 50s would be early for these sort of changes, but not way out of the ordinary

(I am a psychogeriatrician, so this is my area of expertise)

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